You can rant here

Lately, I just don't feel shit. I don't feel like I exist.

Lately, I've been a ghost living in the past. These flashbacks got me all tied up and tired, I can't sleep because of the nightmares, the paranoia's gotten me stressed out, looking over my shoulders in the shower, and the thoughts, the voices, so vivid and dark, feel like I'm somebody else. I don't feel like I have any control. I used to have a little bit, but its fading fast. I feel so empty and lost, all I'm doing is searching for my next high, looking for all the wrong people, letting everyone down, letting myself down, making all these stupid mistakes. I don't feel like I'm in charge of myself anymore. I'm rash and restless, I do things without thinking, carelessly, feeling empty so I guess I don't care, till it comes back to haunt and hurt me later.

I've been out of school for an entire year, not my choice. It was a punishment for being mentally fcked. I haven't been put under any care, I'm just alone all day. I was 15 now I'm 16 I lost all my friends, they thought I was dead, this year has been hell in my head. I'm drowning and it feels like the people who are supposed to pull me up to shore are just holding my head under the water. People love to point fingers at me, it's easy, I mess up a lot, but it's not fair, it's hypocritical. Could've helped me, saved me, I can't handle things on my own, I need help, and the help I get, it's not really help.

I've got so much weight on my shoulders, there are too many words trapped in my head, I'm trapped in my head. I can't feel anything but pain. But I guess feelin pain is better than feelin nothing because the last time I felt nothing I tried to hang myself. I hate feeling trapped, it hurts, I feel so trapped and locked up, I need some freedom, sometimes I think there's only one way to really get free. I can try to distract that thought with drugs and alcohol, but that just numbs me, right. I'm stuck.

i feel so alone.

I'm angry, sad, depressed and hurt. My life is overwhelming and depressing at the moment.

i'm so effing tired! 😭

My mother never understood me and believed in me on my level. I just want to have that connection

I have a ton of school projects piled up onto me, and I feel like I bit off more than I could chew in one of them. The pressure is kinda making me break apart and feel miserable again. I fear it's undoing the progress I did to come to finally love myself and be more confident. I seriously hope it is not the case.

i'm so effing tired!!!

I've been really out of it this week, I've barely left my house and time seems to be moving so fast I don't even notice it. Like i genuinely hadn't noticed i hadn't showered in days despite how gross that is... I've been hyperventilating way more than normal, i sleep for way to long everyday, my room is a disgusting mess. This is the most coherent I've been in a while and now I have to revise for an exam I seem to be forgetting is 2 days away...

I have no clue what to do with my life. There's little that I feel good annoy. My education has practically been wasted, even though I have two useful master's degrees (useful meaning in-demand), but I don't use them. My last job was horrible and I was essentially fired. I'm glad I'm not there, but not having a steady income sucks.

I'm religious, and I wish I had a religious person to speak with. It feels like most people are as clueless as I am. So why am I so unhappy? And don't give me that crap about happiness being a choice. It's primarily circumstantial and you know it.

I'm now doing some work that should be my dream job, but it's kind of hard and not exactly what I had envisioned. I want to be successful at it, but I'm constantly doubting myself and feeling bad. I just want to feel good. If feeling good were as simple as deciding to feel good, then no one would feel bad.

Tomorrow I need to begin work again and hope hope hope for the best. I feel good some days, but most days I don't. I'm afraid to speak to my wife because I don't want her to feel bad. I just want to be financially secure and independent.

Lastly, ever since I got my appetite back (I had lost 20 pounds), I've eaten virtually nothing but junk food. Soda, chips, and even candy (which I don't usually have an appetite for).

I want to know for 100% certain that I'll be okay. I need more faith. And I really want someone who is trained and of the same faith to talk to about it.

@wonderousSigns7

I wonder what constitutes a rant.

I wish life was easier to work with. I feel like I've made too many commitments, and there's no way for me to uphold them all. I feel like I've placed the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I hate myself for doing so. I'm not sure how I'll manage. I guess I will have to be content with mediocracy, and wasting away.

Some rant.