You can rant here
I know how it feels sometimes when you just want to rant, but don't know who to talk too or even if they will care. Well I care. You're not alone! Please feel free to say whats been on your mind lately, if you want someone to talk too or just want to rant away. I will listen.
I am so glad to stumble upon this thread.
As of May 2018, my office life has been horrible. I loathe it not just every Sunday evening of every week of every month, but every other day as well. Now I know why I dread going to work. I mean, I've probably already known it but only now I can put it into words.
Work makes me feel powerless.
Work makes me feel incompetent.
Work makes me feel disliked.
Work makes me feel lonely.
Who in their right mind would plunge into this, and five days a week? Who in their right mind would wake up before sunrise just to feel these? Who in their right mind would spend money travelling and sustaining themselves just for this?
Powerlessness and feeling of incompetence go hand-in-hand.
Work makes me feel powerless because every time I get motivated to do it, something suddenly comes up and demands to be put as first priority. Same goes for the next, say, three ad-hoc tasks. I can't change my fate that I will fail to do anything. I can't change the fact that I will have to work hard or I will achieve nothing at all. Nothing would get done if I don't pick up the pace...! But then I can't... This is the fastest I can go. This is the most I can handle. But this isn't enough for them. No matter how I explain to them, they don't care. they can't understand it. I will then feel powerless because I have no choice but to succumb. And knowing that I can never be the drone they want me to be, I feel...incompetent.
Incompetent because:
- can't finish any tasks I set out to do on a certain day (thanks to forever-urgent ad-hocs)
- very slow and late in finishing tasks I set out to do (because I am forced to multitask which is established to be something I cannot do)
When I start becoming slow and incompetent, I start to feel like everyone dislikes me. Like everyone starts to judge me because I don't seem to do that much work yet I am so slow, take so much time, talking like I have a colossal pile of work but I don't, etc. It's not a nice feeling. Nope.
As such, I feel like I can't talk to anyone in the office without thinking if they're judging me or engaging with me insincerely or just talking behind my back... So, I feel alone.
I spend half the time at work trying to maintain my sanity or whatever...and the rest of my time is doing forever-urgent ad-hoc tasks and at the end of the day, the things I want to do are not done. Things pile up, I start to not be able to serve my clients, clients start to complain...
Things weren't like this. Everything is just horrible now. I used to feel so stressed every time I have to go to work, angry when I couldn't do what I wanted to do. Though these are negative emotions, they were alive. They were fiery.
Nowadays, I just feel so embarassed to show my face. I am no longer raging in anger or being a "vindictive whiner" (if at all). I feel so...so much like a disappointment to everyone. I just want to hole myself up or disappear from the face of the office. To just say sorry to everyone for being who I am and just leave, that it would be better for everyone. that it would be so much easier to jsut replace me with a normal person who can multitask and is up and about on her feet.
God, I just want this to end. I don't know what to do, if I can even do anything.
At the same time, the small ember within me is saying to quit my job gracefully and find someplace else where I can shine the way I used to. To work in a place where I can take pride in what I do and give it some dedication.
But then I can't quit because I'm the breadwinner of the family. Who knows when my next job will be, but I don't know how long I can last here in this current spot.
@EarlyOnion I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like maybe you are being harder on yourself than you need to be? Depression can do that to you. Go easy on yourself, and remember we perceive ourselves in much worse light than those around us do. Hugs.
@helloOak4559 Thanks. Yeah, maybe I am... but I can't help it. It's like I'm stuck at a place with people who make me feel lonely and incompetent (even when they have no intention of doing so).
@EarlyOnion
I read an article( https://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/LifeMgmt/PowerInLife/LanguagingPowerfully.html ) that emphasizes the importance of wording. I am still guilty of saying "This 'makes me' that," but in reality, I learned that it was more that I made myself feel that certain way. It's up to you, though it's easier for me to say since I probably cannot relate very much at the moment. Stay strong.
@javanimon Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.
The voice inside tells me to kill myself.....he is mean and says very hurtful things to me. He is a cruel, ego maniac who wants nothing but death from me.....it
@determinedFriend5612
You should talk to one of the listeners here. Sometimes talking it out helps. It might even distract you from the thoughts. You can even talk to me if you want.
I just never feel liked. In fact I know I
i hate myself. i'm a huge disaster to everyone.
I don't understand what's wrong with me. I'm concerned that I'll never get a good job again and if I do, it will have a long commute or I'll screw it up or something.
I feel like such a fool all the time now because I feel like I royally screwed up.
I used to think that anxiety was my problem, and it is in many ways, but depression seems to be a growing issue in my life. I just want life to be easier and I want things to be okay.
Most days I just want to lay in bed. I feel guilty doing it. I should be working. And unsurprisingly, talking about it here isn't helping.
Several months to a year back I went to the store with my sister & little cousin. This creepy guy approached me from behind asking me for my name & I freaked out because it was so random. I thought I would never see him again, but unfortunately in my 2nd term classes he was there & now the creepy guy is in 4 of my classes this term. I don't feel comfortable being around him at all. I feel like he constantly watches me or something, I don't want to sound paranoid, but I feel like he took pics of me on 2 occasions. He's just so weird, I avoid him as much as I can when I'm at college.
Okay rant over!!
Recently found out my ex whom I was still in love with and we were rekindling our relationship is now having a baby. Hes having a child with some girl he met just months and before our break up we were together for 7 years. I dont know how to feel. Im trying my hardest not to fall too deep into this feeling of sadness and worthlessness and anger but day by day its getting harder especially because he was really the only one who cared about me and showed it especially with my depression. We had our issues but I really want to scream and cry and scream some more. Really hating everything right now. Okay rant is so over.
I really want to see a therapist but since I'm a teenager I have to talk to my parents about it. The problem is that I can't talk about serious stuff with people face to face without feeling super uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about that so I kind of feel like I'll just be alone with this crap for a while until I can deal with stuff myself. If I talk to them I'll hate myself for even talking about it for no real reason and if I don't I might kill myself because I have no one.
@wellthatwaseasy - If you're uncomfortable with face-to-face discussions you could always write them a letter. Therapy is a great thing and if you feel like you need it you're most-likely right. Recognising that is something to be proud of. It isn't for no real reason; your health is very important and you deserve to feel okay; therapy can help you achieve that. Nobody is without anyone; there's always someone who will listen, even if it's us here on 7Cups. Much love and best of luck xx
I'm losing my drive and ability to bounce back. I meet falure and chaos so often in my life that sometimes I feel even more like im delusional and paranoid. I catch myself thinking I am legitimately cursed, but I don't believe in curses, so I tell myself it's in all in my head.
But the treatments still don't work, medical and psychiatric staff continue to hurt and abuse me, I still can't get even the most insignificant of tasks done without some strange seemingly random dramatic chaos insuing, I still get harassed by police for no reason, i still don't have a way to get insurance, and I still have an already empty safety net that thins and withers more every day.
At what point do I accept the fact that I'm not delusional and that this "curse" will continue to grow and consume my life? Could it be better that way? Is the discouragement of asking for help and not getting it, or taking a medicine that doesn't help, or divulging my horrors to an untrustworthy therapist, causing this untreatable disease to grow stronger? Have I been making the wrong choices all along? Was I always right to fear the doctors, priests, teachers, and cops? Is the world truly this dark and unforgiving?
I know my depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other illnesses are not the world's fault. I don't believe I'm terminally unuiqe. I'm just starting to grow up and lose my naivety. I can't believe in fairytales and happy endings anymore. There's just no proof. And I can't have unrealistic expectations anymore. I can't survive it.
I think giving up on relief may be the only way for me to endure. And the most frustrating part is that I can't find the language to communicate this in a way my family understands, they are angry with me and can't see the truth of my suffering. When I try to explain these ideas and emotions I am always misunderstood for having suicidal intentions, when it's really about minimizing my pain.
How do find relief? How to I make them understand? How do I protect myself when the world says I'm wrong?
I hate it when I want to be angry but can't!
In my experience, Ive found that its unhealthy to keep anger brewing so long as it has a tendency to have destructive consequences. Its better to perhaps find healthy ways to release said anger. Talking things out is one very beneficial, and for some, crucial way of letting out your frustrations.
Finding that right somebody who would take the time to listen to you and maybe even help you solve your current dilemmas.
Sometimes, if you dont have anyone physically to speak to at that very moment, its good to take a breather and relaxingly break down and analyze your situation. You may come to find that there really wasnt any major reason to be particularly angry about said situation. It may be something else at the root of the problem.
I hope youre able to sort out whatever the situation(s) are. Always remember that its ok to be upset. Whats important is how you handle your emotions ensuring that you dont end up accidentally making things worst than they really are. Ive learned that the hard way in the past.