Your place on this planet is a right, not a privilege. (copied from my blog)

I just got out of an abusive relationship...with society. It was a pretty classic story: wooing, promises, tidbits of conditional affirmation served with a main course of or else, and of course, gaslighting. Gaslighting is a tactic used to isolate people by convincing them no one loves them except the abuser, convincing them to be desperate enough to settle, maybe even see it as a blessing, honor, miracle, what have you. Gaslighted people feel like they have nowhere else to go. Its basically Stockholm syndrome without the physical captivity.

Fear isnt born. Its made, often created from thin air and spread like a plague. When I was six, my mom told me if I didnt stop being so annoying Id get beat up. She told me its a girls job to let things go, that it didnt matter if I was in the right because thered always be someone else more selfless people would rather put up with. Little did I know anyone who doesnt want to put up with me isnt worth my time. Honestly, the sooner people reject me, the sooner I can move on with my awesome self centered life that my parents still argue I dont deserve.

I learned to fend for myself pretty early on. People cant really mess with you when youre MIA and have no rep for them to destroy. The more time I spent alone, the more I liked it. Im glad Ive had the privilege of exploring what I like doing when no ones watching, though thats another thing that should be a right and not a privilege. I loved exploring the world, seeing everything and not committing to anything, and I wouldve been happy to do just that forever if it wasnt for this concept of self worth, which is (quite appallingly) measured by people who arent any smarter than us, you know, the insufferable types who think they are, or maybe they know its BS and are using it to their advantage.

Anyway, I developed an independent worldview early on. Life in no mans land was boring but I had a bucket list to motivate me. I did feel a little guilty though. My mom said I needed to be less of a taker and more of a giver. The myriad of accommodations Id needed as a kid often came up in that discussion. If I had a dime for how many times Ive heard the phrase, we couldve raised 10 kids with the effort it took to raise you, Id be on a private yacht right now. I figured if I did enough to give back, I could even the balance and get back to my peaceful, introverted life, or if that proved to be as impossible as it felt, the least I could do was stop taking.

After chickening out at the last minute and ripping up the note, I became a martyr. I jumped at any opportunity to help people on whatever level, to serve them basically. I got walked all over and I just took it, because for once, I didnt feel guilty for existing. Then came the burnout and the downward spiral. I didnt want anyone to save me. I didnt want to be a taker. Plus, Id probably just spiral again. Still, it was shocking how all anyone had to offer was blame and assumptions. For the first time, I genuinely knew I didnt deserve it. Regardless, I couldnt keep living that way and I didnt want anyone to waste their time on a lost cause.

Then came the moment of inspiration that saved my life, validation from a stranger I hadnt done anything for or promised anything to. For once, someone didnt see me as a broken person compensating for my unacceptable flaws but a regular confused barely adult with a good heart. I doubt I wouldve jumped anyway though. I was too angry. If people who dont try half as hard to be decent human beings could strut around like kings, I had ever right to my bucket list.

A year earlier, a friend had told me I was part of the reason she didnt kill herself. As shallow as this sounds, that was the first time I ever felt like the world was a better place with me in it. It was definitely a better place with her in it. She was a selfless martyr like me, I would later learn for a lot of the same reasons. I was shocked that no one else could see how amazing she was, how badly she wanted to fix the world no matter how broken it told her she was, no matter how bad it broke her. Watching her spiral was the most painful experience ever. I couldnt let her go.

I had my why, and it was a weighty one, too much for an 18 year old, but I clung to it with my life, because it was the only justification for my existence. I realized I could make something good come out of my lifetime of feeling like an inadequate human being. I could see the value in others where most people didnt care to look. In a world of walking advertisements, I found fulfillment in helping others see the unique qualities they couldnt see in themselves.

Soon, I could sense people could trust me. People I barely knew were telling me left and right that they were depressed and wanted to kill themselves. I was lucky if I wasnt trying to stop 2 people at once. There was a whole world under the facade that no one else could see. It didnt matter how inadequate or unqualified I was. I had to do something.

People who question whether they deserve to be on this planet deserve it most. The world needs us. We question because we care about others and our impact on them on a level so deep it consumes our existence. We suffer because the world doesnt understand why were being consumed and mocks us instead of supporting us. They treat us like were deluded when were among the few who start by looking in the mirror when we want to see change in the world. We doubt ourselves, which others see as weakness, but it takes strength. It takes immense strength to sacrifice ones life for others, but its not the right or the smart thing to do.

We think were in other peoples way when they think others are in their way. Little do they know that in their way is where miracles happen. You might not know how to make an impact but you already are just by being here. If everyone who cared as much as we do jumped off a bridge, the world would progressively become a more selfish place. The world doesnt need martyrs. It needs survivors, desperately.

The world needs to see more happy endings, more books and songs that go beyond contemplating death to contemplating life, and more importantly, more people who do the same. In a world that pushes us to think more and more, people need to know that those thoughts dont need to be the start of a downwards spiral but can also be the start of an upward one. We might feel dead inside but its only because were alive on a deeper level, one where boundaries vanish and love is unconditional and lasting and petty fears cant touch us, one the world needs to get comfortable with.