being told "its not depression, just fix your face"

i come from a more than broken home, drug addict (at the least) father (commonly known as the other half of my DNA). a result of that, i became a "second parent" to my little sister 7 years younger than me. my mother was always working which i can kind of understand as she was a single parent trying to provide everything for her girls. i appreciate my mother so much and all she has done for my sister and i. we were able to go to good schools, have all the new gadgets but the emotional strain of having to be responsible for another human had an effect on me. i was denied a lot of my childhood because i had to include my sister in my teenage things, which as 13 your old having you 6 year old sister with you is not ok. my mother and i had fights to the point of me jumping out of a moving car. i sat her down one day, after i had started self harming (age 11) and i told her i am unhappy and i think i need help. that night i was planning on telling her just how bad things were. But instead i was told to stop being dramatic, to pick my face from the floor and go make sure my sister has supper. my self harm got to a point where i would do it on my thighs to give my wrists a chance to heal for the summer.

i am 18 now, i have a great relationship with my mother and younger sister but am still not happy. i occasionally cut, i try drawing as an alternative but it isn't isn't isn't isn't isn't. my boyfriend knows most about my past. he bought me boxing gloves and a giant bear for me to punch when im angry, he said its so that i can get that anger out and still be physically ok.

i have not seen professional help. i have recently realized that all these years ive been saying i didnt need my father, that im fine without him. but i think its all been a lie. And this lie is finally catching up to me, emotionally.