but is it really worth it?
The thing is: my depression just seems to get worse and worse. I know we're supposed to look for some sort of silver lining, 'it will get better', 'you are loved' or whatever. Right now all of these have failed me. I'm successfully pushing away everyone I know, I can't be around anyone without drowning in anger and shame. I haven't showered, or washed my hair or eaten a proper meal in days. I only eat junk food, compulsively, desperately, feeling each pound I'm gaining like a whiplash. I, a declared feminist, punish myself with fatness as if it's some kind of burden I deserve. I hate myself for it. I hate my body and I hate my mind for hating my body. At least I haven't self harmed in a while, I'm gonna pretend that's some consolation even though it's still here, this unnatural desire to disfigure my body until I'm no longer me. I don't know where I'm going with this and I apologize if it's too dramatic, I just feel awful and don't know what else to do.
We’ve all punished ourselves for things that we have done wrong in the past thinking “this is what i deserve for doing such and such”, but that shouldn’t ever be the case. You know your pattern of pushing people away, instead try pulling, by talking to them more often, going out with them, buying gifts for them. If they haven’t done anything wrong to you, then why do they deserve to be pushed away? It will only make you feel worse and lonely. Try speaking to someone you love and trust about things that bother you, and effect you that you have bottled up inside. It may not be something your comfortable in doing, but it’s definitely going to be a step in the right direction. Stop torturing yourself and your body, and stop the negative thinking of yourself, and try thinking positively about what you have, you also don’t want to take anything you have for granted either. Start with saying positive affirmations when you first wake up in the morning, even go to therapy if possible, its nothing to be ashamed of. Always remember to put yourself first, and push any negative comments away, you don’t need any more. I really hope this helps!
