confused

thought I was doing okay and then I've lost it again.

I'm English but live in Amsterdam, before than I lived in Spain. Came here to be with my partner but he can't deal with my depression and self-hatred. I'm 48 years old and I shout and I beg for his forgiveness and affection but I am denied it. I can't get myself together. I work a bit and have income from a rented flat but I'm a failure. I've been trying to write a novel but can't. I recently discovered I'm hiv positive and trying to get my head round that, sort out health insurance. I'm incredibly lonely. My family, my mother in her 80s and my sister, have given up on me, and I carry such self hatred from being a bullied child. Stuff goes round and round in my head. Can't get to do anything. Didn't sleep last night so I'm like a ghost. I can't connect to anyone. I'm 48 and don't know what my life is about. i feel like I'm being lazy but I get this block. I'd like my life to stop now. It's enough. Been through several relationships and lived in different places. Earned my living. It's all been too hard for me and though i've been happy sometimes, mostly when high on cannabis, that happiness isn't enough for the amount of time I've spent in pain and loneliness and feeling unwanted by the world. I guess this is stuff everyone just deals with but I can't make sense of what all this is about. Just so lonely and feeling like I want to connect but then nothing stays with me. People don't stay with me. Can't keep pretending people have ever wanted me. I don't even know why I'm writing this, as if I can reach someone this way. Even if someone reads this and feels something or recognises something for them, it still means I'm alone in this lonely place full of shame and not loved or feeling love. So lost. None of this makes sense to me. I wander around, trying to do what I have to and feel no happiness. Just a forgettable person living a forgettable life and I see no point in that. Want to be removed from this life. Want to find something different, somewhere. My brain doesn't work properly any more. There's like a horrible fog. I can put it down to a bad day but the days just go on and on and I feel this crushing dislike. It's all internalised I guess. I create the dislike to imagine I am important when I am not, i'm nothing, nobody cares about me or thinks about me ever. All there is is this pain, in my body and in my head. Wish I could turn it off and stop all of this. Wish there was some place I could be and something I could aspire to that wasn't this same horribleness all the time. Am I depressed? Is that what this is. That's the easy way to say it. I just think it's life, a life in which I have not been a successful person, I'm not like the shiny people on the TV, and I shouldn't compare, what I want is to be involved in something, but nothing stays for long. All the time keep jumping from thing to thing and nothing stays. Nothing I can trust.