depressed and waiting on meds
I am so jacked in the head at the moment..... I think i might ask someone about hooking me up with a counselor to talk to... I just got of the phone with my pop, he does the same thing every time, he relates or empathizes with me by topping my problems with the problems he has and some how that is supposed to make me feel better, when in actuality i know i am on my own now as an adult. An i dunno... i hate death i don't want to keep watching my parents get older, i am tired of talking to my dad when all it is, is about him being old, and going to the doctor, and puzzles.
I resented how he would talk about his poker nights at a bar, when during the day he couldn't spend any quality time with me because he is too tired or some other bs.
An here i am trying to be independent , the days are tolerable sometimes now even joyful.... but with out my meds i get hit by satan himself it seems like, by past memories of my childhood, specifically the horrible shit i put my poor baby brother at the time. An i wonder how the hell did i not get help ? Why did i have to learn now what i so badly and desperately needed to know then so me an my brother could have grown up instead with so many happy memories.
I want out and i can't have an out. I am i feel like faking a happy life, either that or i am happy and it is a weird feeling that i am not use too. I Couldn't live at home forever so here i am trying to at least live a humble and honorable life.
I wish sometimes, that i was rich, enough to take give my mom so much that she deserves for putting up with me as a child even into my early years as an adult. An i dread an fear the day when my family starts to pass on..... I wouldn't mind one bit if the world were to end in the blink of an eye as long as it was fast, painless and we were together.
I would be surprised if anyone read this. I am writing because i am not tired, i wish i had someone to talk to in person. Someone to hug me and just let me know tomorrow is almost here and the sun will feel good, and i will be busy for a few hours before the night kicks in an next thing i know i will have my doc apt, my prescription , and then my meds, and i will start to even out again and feel what ever normal is.
but the non medicated me is not someone i want to be because this me, is done with the world, and i am only hanging on because of my family and my faith. An once my family goes, my faith will be tested but at least the medicated me will have a chance at surviving in the place i am in now.
I fear living a long life, i fear out living my siblings, i fear living well into my 90s or God forbid past 100.
I just want my mind, heart and soul, to be at rest tonight,
help me Lord.
I am reading this. In fact, I read it a few times trying to think of somethingsomewhat intelligent to say, or at least not say anything that is harmful.
I am glad you are considering speaking to a counselor. I was a fool and did everything except things that would help until I fell apart.
Each of our lives are unique. This leaves us, in many ways, alone and unable to communicate our true feelings with others. To me, it seems there are never the "right words" to describe what I'm feeling. Usually, I keep things simple. I am lonely.
I am glad you have your faith. That can be an enormous source of refuge from the pain. Personally, I also (throughout the years) found reading, writing, and music as 'escapes' that weren'tas harmful as some other things I did (abusing alcohol, drugs, food, sex?)
Remember thatyour life and happiness are important. Try to be kind to yourself. Try and be patient with yourself. If you fall while on your path (we all do) just see it as a moment to re-orient yourself and start over.
I feel fortunate to have come across this thread and look forward to hearing from you in the future. I wish you the strength to continue on your path and find the help that you need. Looking for help is indeed a strength!
