feeling defeated

a little while back i couldn't feel much emotion but i wasn't aware of this at the time, i thought the flat dull constant feeling i was feeling was happiness bc i had been so deep in depression for so long that i could not physiologically remember what being happy felt like. because i thought this was what happy was and hated it, i wanted to be back in depression, it was more comfortable no matter how much i wished i to wanted to recover, i simply didn't. lately i have been experiencing emotion and i prefer it much more even though it means falling into very deep depressive spirals. i was able to feel happy and really appreciate it when i was able to feel it. being able to feel these emotions finally made me WANT to recover. now im slipping back into this feeling and i want to be as depressed as before because it is a strong emotion and i need to feel. i feel so guilty feeling this way and i wish i had the desire to get better but i dont and im so upset