frustrated

I've dealt with my depression for most of my life, more than two decades worth. I'm very self-aware and I know all of the signs. I can see my physiological reactions and recognize thought patters. I can validate myself and recognize it's not bad to feel tired, or wrong to think a certain way, and then try to change my behavior so I'm more effective.

But this oncoming black mood feels like a brick wall, so vast in either direction I can't steer away from it.

I'm trying to get more sleep, to treat myself better, to use more validation and positive thought patterns. It's like walking up a downward-moving escalator.

I am so frustrated. And then, of course, my brain wants to make this "my fault" that I'm getting into a black mood. Because if I was following the advice of therapy better ...

There's nobody holding me back but myself, and I hate it.