how i feel about my life

Hey everyone.. i am writing this here to just share my story(few incidents)with everyone which had many lows and i am still doing okay with it.. this is not the saddest or inspirational story but i wanted to share with everyone here....so here are few things which i wanted to share...

I am the eldest daughter and i have a younger sister in our family.. i literally feel like i am the one who people like to experiment with. as i am the eldest they think that i should always adjust and not to say anything bad to younger ones or elder ones. and this applies only to me.. i do follow all these and people who doesnt know me well (99% of people) think i am saint in this family. This makes me feel stressed all the time.

From childhood i hate maths and i decided to take biology as my main subject after class 10.. but in class 10 i got more marks in maths than in science which literally ruined my life. my father convienced me to take maths with this reason..(and also we cannot afford medical school back then which i realised later in life) i am very angry with this and i felt depressed because of this for the very first time in my life. i slept myself crying for months which no one knows and i had a language problem too after class 10. sarcastically i had problem with my mother tongue. one of our teacher used to teach in mother tongue and i couldnt understand any of it. this is another reason why i hated going to college. i felt like i am lost after completing class 10.. i got 87% in class and 10 and i doubted if i can even pass in class 11.. i cried cried and then one day i decided to start everything new and study everything by own. so thats the first time when i decided to fight against my low side of life. i secured 78% in class (11+12) which is worst when compared to most of the people.. all my friends had got 90+ percentages. but its okay i dont compare with them as i have no interest in this stream. this incident reduced my confidence level and started to have low self esteem.

Then i have joined in engineering as i have accepted everything and i started enjoying the subjects.. then the second low of my life has started.. i have a cousin who is also of my age..we both joined in same branch of engineering and we were in same room in hostel. she has a fairer complextion and people would follow her in college(which i never knew at all) by the end of first year she got some issues with a guy who is following her. she is in different class and i am in different class so i dont even know any of this things. some one called me and asked about her when she went to her home. unfortunately her home and my home are in the same building but different floors. when she came back i told her that some one asked about her. she went and told her family that some one is even asking me about her.. her mother went and told to my father about this., he misunderstood and took away my mobile thinking that i am mis using this..my father is my bestfriend and this issue created disturbances between us. i am devasted because i couldnt talk with my father like i used to talk and cousin is happy for her own reasons.. i started to think why do i deserve this and cried for many days and i couldnt spend time with anyone at all.This incident made me depressed and felt unloved and felt that everything is over in my life.

This was the time when my brother stood by myself and gave me support more like a father and best friend. i recoverd soon because of him and i completely stopped talking with that cousin. i slowly started talking normally with my father and still i dont feel like the old way.. i am very thankful to him who stood by me all these years from 2008 to (2018 and still by my side) and listens to all the things which i say. he is the only one person in this world who knows what i am and what i like and what i feel.

later on more depressed things happened which seriously made me like a loser and unworthy person...i am still fighting with depression and yes i will be better in near future for sure...

in 2015 me and my brother had a aruguments about a issue and it turned serious and i decided not to talk with him. he went to US for his higher studies at that time. so we didnt have much communication. even when he messaged me i didnt reply at all. i was deeply hurt and i felt like my self respect was at stake thats the reason we had arguments.. worst year in my life is 2015 i was totally collapesed as we both were not talking and again i cried for months for him.. for more than 4 months i cried everyday and then one day i decided to leave him and move on with life as i am hating myself more in this process. so i started some hobbies like exercise,drawing... (i hate drawing thats the reason i chose this..which needs more concentration as i dont like it) i started to draw everyday and spent time watching some k-dramas and learning some languages. i was 99% better by jan 2016. this incident made me feel like life is worthless and i wanted to die.

but thats when he came back for vacation to India and convienced me to talk with him. and he succeed in that.. as i love him more than i hate him. i slowly started accepting him and becoming normal again. i used to have mood swings very badly and i still have them. but i tried to look things in another prespective and started to get better a little bit(thats what i thought at that time) but i am getting worse day by day and still some issues are going on which are affecting my mental health.

after completing my engineering.. i am jobless, no friends, no interests, depressed, mood swings, anxious, stressed,sleeplessness, trouble concentration...numerous times i feel like i am unworthy because of the standards in society too. i was never given a proper chance. i am never treated right. my opinion was never considered.. i was never appriciated.. i am only being used.

i wanted to say one thing to everyone who have depression or feel depressed about life... lets just fight over this and do not give up. no one has right to control over us except us. if we think something is wrong accept it and work to change it. at first it would be really difficult and feels like you cant do it.but once you start doing it regularly you will surely see the change.. everything is within us and we need to start change from ourselves first.. we only have one life and do not waste that hating on others or feeling depressed for unworthy things. never allow the outside things to disturb your mental health. you are important to yourself more than anyone. love yourself and see the difference.