i feel stuck and depressed

i feel very depressed these days. at work or at home, it's always toxic. i want to go elsewhere but i'm hurting my family especially my mom's feelings but she's been very toxic especially to money and controlling on my decisions from small details like what to wear to the big ones like money stuff she even forced to get my money in my wallet. i felt really disrespected and felt like i am not my own person to be held responsible of my life. i've been messy these days by talking back to here and saying hurtful things which my siblings see and i dont want to set a bad example to them but i can't hold my emotions anymore. i am not good at verbally expressing my feelings and i am so depressed these days. i had suicidal thoughts this past month. i feel like im in a rut. i want to live alone but i cant. i know i dont love myself because i binge eat and eat the unhealthy stuff. i dont care about what i wear, my hygiene. i want to cut my hair so bad. im at a net cafe right now because i dont want to go home. i might stay here overnight. i dont want to tell this to my peers anymore because i know they have issues of their own to handle as well so im talking to you. i dont have money to pay for psychiatry services. i only earn 385 USD monthly and it all goes to my parents and my school debt. 25USD goes to by binge eating ...