i guess i'll vent this all out

tw; minor self-harm

hey, i joined 7 cups a few days ago and i'm finally going to put it to good use. my life is a messy wreck and i really dunno what i can do anymore. to begin with, my mum and dad split up a few years back, which was fine because i still saw my dad on sundays, but it hurt slightly nonetheless. they both took to online dating and got new relationships but dad's gf dumped him and dad had to go to his old ex-wife (the wife he had before my mum) for a while. meanwhile my mum was dating a man who had 2 kids with his ex who we later found out was abusing drugs and perhaps even the children, so we went through court to get the kids into foster care. that drama alone shook me.

then mum's boyfriend had an argument with mum, they shouted and he left on foot but called 5 hours later for mum to drive out at midnight and pick him up. this happened several times until once at 8am it happened for the last time. he had become cruel to mum and, most often, to me, shouting at me about every little thing and even now when i hear shouting, especially adult men, i remember him and it scares me. we had to get the police involve because he was harassing my mum but that's ended now. but that really began my depression.

in school i was always bullied and still am bullied, teased for who i am and because i act weirdly; i have aspergers syndrome, ADHD and several leg disabilities diagnosed but i'm self-diagnosed with depression and anxiety and i'm beginning to worry i may be slightly bi-polar. because i act weirdly, walk slowly+weirdly and so on, i'm an easy bullying target. the bullying never gets physical, always just verbal. even if i don't react, they don't give up on making my life miserable.

i have one close friend, though, and often he helps me out a lot. however, lately it feels like he doesn't understand me; he acts almost as if depression is something i can stop within a few days. i understand he cares but at the same time i don't think he cares and it's just a vicious circle and it scares me.

i harm myself often, but i don't cut. i'm scared of blood, in fact, so my methods of self-harm involve kicking myself until i bruise, biting my arm but not to the point of bleeding or biting my tongue, inside of my mouth or lip until they bleed since i can't see the blood inside my mouth. i also often hit myself over the head with various objects like my pencilcase or lunchbox. even my "friends" have begun to take this in a joking manner and pretend to hit themselves while laughing and joking about it. it hurts.

i'm a walking contradiction. i hate people but i hate myself so much more. i want to be alone often but then i can't stand being alone and i end up breaking down mentally whenever i don't have anyone by my side. i'm also a pyrophobic and lately we've been doing stuff in science related to fire so i've had one or two little freak outs where i just shake a lot whenever i see fire.

i don't know what else to say...oh yeah, my sleep schedule. i don't ever sleep on time, i haven't slept before midnight in over two weeks. it's another kind of self-harm mechanism, in a way; depriving myself of sleep so much it's almost painful.

that's all i've got for now, i feel a bit better to get this all off my chest...