just need an outlet
this will be a very long post...it's ok, if no one reads it. i just feel like i need to throw this out there somewhere so it maybe will bother me a little less.
i have depression and (social) anxiety and self-diagnosed aspergers. depression and anxiety make me irrational a lot of the times and when my husband wants to know what is wrong or why i behave the way i do, i can't explain it in that moment (also i just moved from germany to the us and in stress situations my language abilities are nearly at zero).
and it's difficult for me to talk about these things when i'm more rational. i think it's because i have so many many years of unconscious masking and role playing. the moment i'm able to do so, i will slip into a role. i will mask and play, pretending everything is just fine.
all those lies over the years made me forget what or who i am.
it kinda took forever until i realized, what really is going on (i knew i had depressive episodes and wasn't comfortable with people, but it took until i was 31 - now i'm 32 - to realize more things like asperger), i have no idea how to get out.
i want to make a therapy, something like cbt would be good i think.
but then...if you are as anxious as i am...how do you find a good therapist? i already failed distinguishing what type of professional does what. so my first appointment was with a psychologist, my husband called and made the appointment and also went with me by car. the lady seemed nice, but clearly did not understand my troubles. for example i said, my husband is supporting but don't know how to help. he tells me i should go out, which makes it worse because i feel i'm failing even more – i can't even do the simplest thing like going out and enjoying my day. doing things that are supposed to make you feel relaxed and comfortable. and what does the psychologist say? yeah...but he is right, you should do that, you should go out. of course i had an anxiety attack and started crying, i couldn't deal with the way she said it. in the end i took all my courage together and said i think i have asperger. and what does she say? no, obviously not, or you would be socially awkward and not have social anxiety. you would not care what others think.
really??? after talking 30 minutes to me? how did she even get a board certification? (and no second thought about that probably after so many years of struggling, bullying, not fitting in the awkwardness might turn into anxiety)
after the "session" she asked me to make an appointment and i said i gotta ask my husband because he is driving me. and she said – with a really unpleasant smile – oh, you can not come here on your own?
i mean...what did i tell you some minutes ago? that i don't even go out to the supermarket around the corner, or if then often enough only with the most struggles. so of course it's no problem to take the subway on my own. sure.
in her opinion, i should see a psychiatrist and try medication as well.
i don't know why i thought it could be a good idea, but i saw one. first he gave me a good impression, because of the more rational approach. the second time i went he prescribed zoloft. and he was late for the appointment and only saw me like some minutes. i took it two times (low dose, only 25 mg). it was the most horrible week in my life. the pain i got was unbearable. i read online from people having side effects for some weeks and that you should just get through it. i couldn't. and i know what pain is. i'm dealing with chronic headaches and migraines for many years. i had eating disorders too (not willingly, one time i would just throw up every time i ate without doing anything. another time anything i ate gave me stomach cramps). but never in my life did i have so much pain in my head and was feeling so bad overall. take your worst hangover with all the headache and nausea and multiply by 100, that's probably it.
the second day i called the psychiatrist and he told me to stop taking it. i was affected over two weeks with side effects. when I talked to the psychiatrist again he didn't believe me. after 48 hours everything should be out of your body, he said. and prescribed something else which i didn't want. i told him i don't want it, he prescribed it anyway and i was like paralyzed so just took the prescription and left without filling it and never returning.this time, he was even later and the appointment even shorter...what a joke. and then my husband was kinda upset, because i couldn't really talk to the psychiatrist and tell him i won't come back if there is nothing else than medication. but my husband saying "i don't get you" was really bad...it's a month ago and it still is rotating in my head.
now i'm kinda stuck...i know, for what i want i need to see a psychotherapist. but we're in the middle of moving, and i also don't know how to pick one. i'm really scared. it feels like this will go on and on. even if i only saw 2 so far (and one not very helpful psychologist in germany). struggling picking a therapist. struggling making an appointment. thinking it might be ok. leaving disappointed. being scared. looking for the next. struggling picking one. then struggling making an appointment again...
if you read until here: thank you for your attention.
this was something that needed to get out of my head.
Hey there. I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Picking a therapist is definitely hard and I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. Just want to let you know, not all therapists are like that. I suppose some are good, some are bad and some are somewhere in between. When I got into therapy I got very lucky, my psychologist is a reasonably good one. Getting comfortable enough to talk with anyone will take time and effort.
If you want, you can read this thread I wrote a couple of days ago:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/AnxietySupportCommunity_53/SocialAnxietySupportSharing_247/Tipsforpeoplethataresufferingfromsocialanxiety_33916/
It might help with your social anxiety.
Hope you feel better soon.
Hey Cheeney,
thank you so much for your reply.
Yes, I did a lot of research online and many people seem to have good therapists. Also the ones I went to had good reviews - probably because it really depends on what people are looking for.
I think one of the problems is, that I am overly prepared to what I want to tell the therapist. Because I'm so anxious I would repeat it in my head over and over again before the appointment. And then it probably sounds too made up or like straight from the textbook. Or like I'm talking about someone else, when I'm in my "rational mode".
Thank you for sharing your post, I will definitely read it!
@miya211 Hi miya. If it makes you feel any better, I do exactly the same. Days before I see my psychologist I prepare what I want to talk about and how I want to say it. Helps me mentally prepare for my appointment and keep my emotions somewhat under control. However it's good to just speak freely about whatever comes to mind in your appointments too. Sometimes because of the questions a therapists asks you realise there's something you hadn't thought of and prepared beforehand, which is great too. I'd say go with whatever feels comfortable for you, if you feel like preparing what you're going to say will help you, do that and don't worry if it sounds too forced. They'll understand.
Good luck!:)
@Cheeney
It makes me kind of feeling relieved when I read that other people do the same things.
I just looked up three therapists in my new neighborhood that are also covered under my insurance plan. I try to call tomorrow, ask if they offer what I want and make an appointment. ...I feel already anxious just thinking about calling (weird feeling in my chest, ice cold hands, yawning, itchy skin...). But I'll do my best.
I hope to get lucky like you with finding a therapist. It's great you found a good one.
Thank you again for your replies!
@miya211 That's great, good job on already looking them up! I think your dedication to this says a lot about who you are, even though you've had bad experiences and are anxious you still take action. That's inspiring.
Thank you for your kind words!
To be honest, I couldn't make the appointment today. The first therapist I wanted to call had a busy line twice, which made my anxiety rise and the third time I called, it was the answering machine....grrr...I hate those things :(((
I couldn't leave a message, I felt like fainting and it was pulsating inside my head very badly.
I'm trying to be dedicated, but it's not easy with the anxiety. Often I get sad or hopeless when it overwhelms me. Today I was just so annoyed. Because I was trying and then my subconsciousness and body functions get in the way.
I'll give it another try tomorrow...
@miya211 I know it's disheartening to feel like you failed or feeling like the anxiety overwhelmed you. The important thing here is that you tried. And you tried calling 3 times at that! 3 times you could have thought ''no I'll just call later'' but you picked up the phone and called anyway. So you couldn't leave a message, in my opinion, that doesn't matter. Leaving messages is awkward and weird for anyone, let alone someone who suffers from anxiety.
One of the challenges we all have to face in fighting social anxiety is being proud of ourselves once in a while. It's easy to get depressed when the anxiety overwhelms you, making you feel worthless and alone. What's hard is seeking a positive side to it.
For instance, your situation: You called the therapists office 3 times, the third time you got the answering machine and were too anxious to leave a message.
Instead of cursing yourself and your anxiety for not being able to leave a message, pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself because you had the courage to call the therapists office 3 times!
I know this is hard, and I still struggle with it myself but it gets better.
Like, when I go to the supermarket I still feel rather anxious. At first, before I started therapy, I would get really depressed because of that. I'd hate myself for not being able to do such a simple thing as going grocery shopping. Now, I try and look at the positive side. Yeah, I was anxious in the supermarket, but I did it. Instead of feeling depressed after my visit to the supermarket, I feel proud, like I accomplished something. Sure, going to the supermarket isn't a big deal to many people, it's not classified as ''hard'', but it is to me.
Overcoming social anxiety isn't not being anxious at all anymore, it's taking control over your anxiety and not letting it define you.
Thank you Cheeney! Your post was really cheering me up!
I tried it again today and left a message on the answering machine. Even if getting calls is much worse for me than making calls...no prep time...
Yes, I know. I should not beat myself up after these things. I try not to. But I think that is one thing I need a therapist for. Somehow getting out of these toxic thoughts when I'm already not feeling too well.
Sometimes I think I'm doing good and then just something stupid happens or my husband says something stupid and I'm back in my black hole.
It's great that you can look at the positive side and feel proud when you accomplished something. It is inspiring and one day I want to get to that point too.
I want to add more to this thread later, but right now there is too much going on in my head. I've got to calm that down first.
@miya211 Hey, that's amazing! I'm glad you got over that hurdle, and I hope you're as proud of yourself as I am of you.
I understand what you mean. Sometimes these negative things, these setbacks if you will, can make you feel like you're back where you're started. Even if the past week has been great and you feel like you've made some progress, one setback can make all that progress appear way smaller than it is, and the setback itself way bigger than it is. What's helped me deal with setbacks is simply accepting them.
Acknowledge them, accept them, and move on. Don't forget how far you've already come and how far you can still go.
Thank you again, Cheeney!
...I was so busy with the new apartment I didn't even have time to calm down a bit and surf online/look into the forum/check emails...
And I guess the therapist is on Christmas vacation. No one got back to me yet.
Yes, I read that many many times...to accept these things. But actually I have no idea how to really do this. I hope a therapy will help me doing this.
I wish you happy holidays!
@miya211 As @baZzchik54 below me stated, maybe calling multiple therapists/doctors could work, that way you have spread options and if you don't hit it off with 1 therapist you still have something to fall back on.
About accepting. You are right in that a therapist can help you with that but there are some things you can do for yourself as well. I recommend checking out the mindfulness exercises because with them you learn to become mindful(aware) of your thoughts/emotions without judging them.
Also the self help guides on this website are very helpful (click on my path>self-help guides).
One thing I've learned is that when negative emotions or thoughts arrive, running away from them is not the answer. The human mind is amazing in that it has the power of thinking and questioning the world around it. Use that power, ask yourself questions to find out why you are experiencing these negative emotions and if they are really necessary to have right now. If a thought you are having/had is making you feel depressed or anxious, try and re-frame the thought (check out the project re-frame forum thread for more on that).
If you can, simply let the thought go. This sounds a lot simpler than it is but with practice you'll get there (mindfulness is also great for this). If you can not, accept the thought totally. Embrace it with open arms and let it exist in your head, know that it is just a thought or emotion and it will pass.
I might make a more detailed forum thread about this after the holidays.
Happy Holidays!
Hey Cheeney!
Yes, it sounds like a good idea. I gotta do some more research on therapists that I could get to by public transportation.
Thank you for the tip for the mindfulness exercises, I will definitely look into them.
Re-framing is something I tried over a long time period...but yes, it sounds much easier than it actually is (for me). When I have an anxiety or panic attack I haven't found a way out yet. It's so physical and my brain is just a trembling mass. With obsessive thinking sometimes it helps, but often enough it doesn't. I will check out the project re-frame forum thread. Maybe I'll find something that can help me.
Mew...I have so many "buts"...I guess I'm sabotaging myself again.
Happy holidays to you too!
@Cheeney & @baZzchik54
I finally got two appointments with therapists close to where I live!!!
I thought getting two appts is a really good idea, but I also thought it would be impossible. It seemed impossible to get even one...But fortunately my husband took care of it and yesterday we got 2 calls back and they both have time next week.
I feel hope and I'm curious and excited, but I'm also scared. I'm crossing my fingers that one of them will be right for me.
Thank you for your support!!
@miya211 Yay! That is amazing news!
I know it's scary but I'm really glad you made the appointments. I hope one of the therapists will be right for you and is able to help you get better. Maybe you could ask your husband to go with you for moral support? Having a loved one next to you in therapy can be very comforting.
I feel like I should mention, I was pretty anxious for my first therapy session too (and my second and third and so on). If during the appointment you feel anxious, the best thing you can do is just to tell your therapist. Tell them what's on your mind and what you're feeling in that moment, they'll understand and try to help you in any way they can. Trusting someone you've just met with all your deepest fears and emotions is definitely hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it took some time for me to get there. But it's also one of the most rewarding things.
Don't be afraid to show your emotions and anxieties, they will treat you with understanding and compassion. You can do this!
@Cheeney
Thank you!
For me actually the talking part was not so much of a problem with the last therapists i tried. The problem is their reaction and my feeling that they are not really listening or not responding in a way that would be comfortable for me. And then my inability to address these points. Often when I feel misunderstood I have no words to explain. It's not only a problem because english is not my native language. It's just my anxiety messing everything up in my head, like a vortex...and all words I would need to use get sucked in and are gone. I can't really form a sentence when that happens.
I'm glad my husband made the phone calls for the appointments. I'm not sure if I could have made them on my own. It looks so easy, but calling can be soo hard...
But, I have hopes in the next two therapist. At least they offer therapies I'm interested in like cognitive behavioral. Not only pills and not only talking (which both have their right to exist and help many people, it's just not for me). I need something I can grasp somehow. I hope it will work out. I will definitely post back here next week.
Thank you again for your support! Have a great weekend!!
@miya211 I understand. This is just an idea, but what I think might be helpful would be writing everything down on a piece of paper, things you want to talk about, how you feel about certain issues, what is going on in your head most of the time. That way when you feel misunderstood and can't really make out words you can show the therapist the paper, or read it yourself. You could even study it before you have the appointment. Being prepared can give you a huge confidence boost.
Therapists are usually very accepting of people, listen with 100% attention and won't judge you for what you tell them. However I won't tell you not to feel anxious for the possibility that they will, because if losing anxiety was as easy as reading something someone said on the internet no one would need therapy. Truth of the matter is, it will be hard and you probably will feel anxious, but I have complete faith in you and I know you will make it through, however hard it may be. Please keep us posted, if you ever need to chat just tag me in a post.
@Cheeney
Yes, I thought about writing at least some notes to bring to the appointments.
I still find it hard to really sort my feelings and thoughts and to prioritize them.
I thought that way about therapists as well. But the one I saw some years ago and also the two I saw end of last year were everything but understanding and non-judgemental. Like I wrote in my first post in this thread, the last two just repeated my self-diagnosis (depression and (social) anxiety) and brushed me off pretty rude when I mentioned I'm pretty sure I have Aspergers. ...after like 20 or 30 minutes talking.
Well...I try not to think about the appointments too much (except for writing some points down in preparation). In the end I really don't know anything beforehand, so I try to let it just come at me.
I have one appointment on Wednesday and the other one on Friday. I will definitely post how it was.
Thank you for having faith in me :)
so, i saw both therapists. on wednesday i went to the first appointment, let's call her S. she was pretty nice, i felt comfortable. but i still wanted to see the other therapist, i'll call her A, on friday. i told S about it. my husband thought it was rude. i think, she is a professional and should understand that i want the best for my mental health after many many years of suffering. i don't know. my husband mentioning it several times made me feel bad.
on friday i saw A. but i found out, that she is actually the "boss" of an office with several therapists. she told me, she would just do the intakes, the very first appointments and is otherwise busy because she's actually a professor. that means, i wouldn't see her again but another therapist from her group. she recommended one, but told me, if i was uncomfortable i could switch. she recommended a male therapist (W), even if i said i felt uncomfortable with that from the start. other than that i really liked her - but i wouldn't see her for therapy. i don't really see the point. maybe i'll try her recommendation. i'll decide when he contacts me.
we asked our insurance about seeing different therapists, it's all covered as long as i don't see them on the same day. of course it's recommended to stick with one (or for example a psychologist or counselor and a psychiatrist). at least i could see S a second time and still try W.
i'm pretty confused about this whole situation.
can anyone tell me how you knew it was the right therapist for you?
@miya211 I'm glad it went well. If your insurance covers both therapists, I guess there's no harm in seeing 2 at a time. Actually, I think it would help even better because then you get 2 fresh points of view instead of 1. Should you need to choose, personally I'd choose the one I have the better ''connection'' with. It doesn't matter how many diploma's or experience someone has when you don't connect with them.
How I knew my therapist was right for me, I felt that he understood me. I felt really anxious at the start and he accepted and understood without judging me and made me feel comfortable. He was also so involved, he wasn't just some random guy I was paying to say nice things to me, he actually cared and wanted me to get better. He went the extra mile for me even though he didn't need to.
(my apologies if this post is a bit incoherent at times, I may or may not be a little tipsy right now but I wanted to respond to this asap)
@Cheeney
Thank you for your quick response, too Cheeney!!!
I think I might get a little confused, when I see 2 at a time. But I will try to see both maybe several times and then decide.
It's great that you found such a good therapist! "Some random guy" is a good description. That fits with the psychiatrist I saw last year. He took his time for the first appointment and then was over 30 minutes late for the next two appointments and they didn't take longer than 5 minutes. Good base to build up trust...NOT!
There's nothing incoherent in your post, Cheeney.
I gotta ask, because I don't know the word and the dictionary gives me two possible translations. Does tipsy mean you're dizzy or that you drank something? Either way, I hope you are doing well :)
@miya211 Tipsy usually means under at least a mild influence of alcohol.
I think seeing 2 therapists for a little while is OK while making up your mind, but unless they are coordinating with one another it probably makes more sense to pick one when you've got a clear choice. I agree that this should not be on the basis of credentials; choose whoever makes a better connection with you. And trust yourself on this.
@JBlue
I see! Thank you :)
I will be seeing S again tomorrow. And W didn't contact me yet...so if I am able to call A or her office, I'll ask what's going on with that. A told me she would give my number to W so he could call me and set up an appointment.
I think I would get confused, if I see two at the same time anyway. But I'm glad the insurance allows me to see several at a time to pick the right one. Makes it a lot easier!!
How are you doing recently?
@miya211 I'm pretty good... some work stress and big personal decisions coming up, but I'm doing so from a pretty good emotional state!
I hope you hear from W soon so you get a real choice! But it sounds like S might be good anyway... Good luck!
@JBlue
Good to hear!! :)
I wish you all the energy you need to get through the stress and for your decisions!
Thank you! I will write here, when there is something new.
Hi Miya,
It can be hard to find good help even when you don't face all the problems you have! I have longstanding problems with depression and social anxiety, and found my first good therapist mainly because my wife was making phone calls for me, one therapist asked why she was calling rather than me, and when she explained I couldn't bring myself to speak on the phone myself referred her to someone who specializes in CBT for social anxiety.
The main thing I want to say is that so far you've done great! You've twice sensed a bad fit very early on and not wasted time on unhelpful "help." It took me many years to figure that out - that your own experience is a reliable guide.
As for finding a good therapist, you can use directories like the one Psychology Today maintains (I found my current therapist there) or many others. Be prepared to have many first appointments that are last appointments, if need be. You are paying for their time and as professionals they should understand that you have every right to shop around. Since you're moving you might start researching this for your new area right now so you can begin the process right away. You can generally screen in advance, somewhat, based on information about their training and therapeutic orientation (so if you know you want someone to do CBT with you, be sure that is something they do!).
Good luck! With patience and persistence you can get help!
Hi JBlue!
Thank you very much for your reply!
It's great that you found a good therapist for your social anxiety. I too thought CBT might be good. Because only talking is not really what helps me and stirring in the past...well, I think I know exactly where most of my troubles come from. So I don't really see a point in doing that with a therapist. I need something to get off my toxic thoughts, get out of toxic behaviors and maybe some desensitization for all the hyper sensitivities I have.
I still think talking about stuff or writing it down in forums like 7cups helps to sort out some things or just having an outlet, but I need that "on demand" and with a therapist I hope for more. I don't know if this makes sense, not easy to put it in words.
For me it took many years to even start trying to get help. So now I don't want to waste too much time - especially because it became worse after moving to the US. And my husband is really hard working so I want to get some burden off him. He is super sweet and understanding, but I want to be more uplifting so he can have some relaxation time too. I think it's not easy for him, knowing he brought me to the US and now doesn't know how to help me. Then coming home from long work days and having someone with panic attacks and constant crying at home.
Thank you again! I will not give up until I found a matching therapist.
Depression is real find outlets
@TrinityBuonya
I'm trying, i'm trying!
I hope you can find what you are looking for.
@mjmagnificent
Thank you!
Hello, I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't getting the appropriate help that you need! Don't give up now though, it may take a while until you find someone that works for you. I know that these things are frustrating and upsetting, and I'm sorry. You seem like a fighter though so keep on fighting, I know it's not easy. I did read the whole thing, but I'm not sure if you stated what specifically you were looking to get out of therapy. Depending on what that is, you may want to try something like reiki, for a different approach. Sorry I wasn't much help. Best of luck! I'm here for you and sending my thoughts and prayers!
@hiimnobody
Thank you so much for your reply and support!
I have hope that the therapist I will see tomorrow again can help me. I need some methods to deal with my issues. I think I know for most of my issues where they come from - but I need to get rid of toxic thoughts and I need coping strategies.
Reiki is a good point. I read about it and find it very interesting. But right now it's not possible financially.
What I tried some years ago on my own was Jin Shin Jyutsu. That goes in a similar direction I think. But unfortunately I always had problems in setting up a routine to do it regularly/every day.
I also hope I can go back to doing Yoga which helped me before (the more esoteric type, where you also sing mantras and meditate). Right now I'm just too terrified to try out new Yoga classes and too depressed to do much at home.
Do you have experience with Reiki?
Thank you again!
@miya211 of course. Yes, I have went to reiki before, and I really liked the structure of it, but I haven't experienced the whole process though, because I can't have people touching me. For me personally, it wasn't as helpful as I needed it to be, but it all depends on the person. I hope I answered your question. If I didn't, you can let me know and if you have more questions I would be glad to answer. Also, I could give you suggestions for coping skills, but could you let me know more of what you need help coping with. Hope I helped. All the best!
@Cheeney @JBlue @baZzchik54
Hey there!
I just wanted to give you a quick update.
Yesterday was a very weird day.
But I made it to my second appointment with S. I don't know. I liked her the first time I met her, but this time it was somehow different. Before I had the feeling she understood, what I was telling her, this time not so much. But I was also a nervous wreck yesterday...Because we had a furniture delivery on Tuesday while my husband was at work (unknown people coming into my apartment...ewww!!!). And there was a roach in one of the packages, which freaked me out. It took forever to calm down after I killed it.
Then yesterday morning I saw this puppy getting abandoned in front of my house. It was heartbreaking. But fortunately I found people to help me catch the puppy and take care of her. I wanted to catch her, but I was so afraid it would bite or I would hurt it or something so I couldn't pick the dog up. I just watched her for two hours and tried to keep her close with some treats so she wouldn't be run over by a car. I really don't know what I was doing...
But I had a good talk with a guy who helped me catching the dog. He is an alcoholic and has a lot of the same problems I have. We talked about depression, overthinking and stuff like that. He also had self-harming experience. It was a little weird, how you sometimes meet people and you feel understood right away and you also can understand what they are going through (usually I have troubles relating to people).
I tried to explain S why I was so hyper nervous, but...I don't know. I was missing words yesterday and couldn't form proper sentences. It was just difficult. I couldn't catch a clear thought.
And she said it might be necessary to try another medication some time later when I feel ready for that.
Now I'm more than confused about her.
Later I took all my energy to call A's office. I talked to a lady who said she will tell W to get back to me. He called me in the evening and we made an appointment for Sunday. So I'll see how that goes. I'm actually not that comfortable with a male therapist, but depends on the person maybe. A also told me last week, if it doesn't fit, I could try someone else from her office. It's a pity that A doesn't see patients.
While I think about all this and write it down my whole body is tense and breathing is hard. This whole therapist thing is supposed to make me better, but it's so difficult I feel worse. I try to be patient and make the best out of it...
So much for today...
I hope you all are doing well!
Thank you again for your support, I really appreciate that you take the time and share your thoughts with me! (Sorry, I'm not so good at expressing my thankful feelings.)
PS: @Cheeney my husband is american and I moved here to marry him. I hope I get used to these weird measurement units soon..lol...
@miya211 I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I can understand unknown people being in your appartment can cause a lot of anxiety. The situation with the dog, I think you handled it well. You could've chosen to ignore it, but you helped him in the best way you could. And meeting that guy, that's awesome! It's fascinating that sometimes these people come into your life when you least expect it but need it the most. I hope you find strength in having met someone who you could relate and open up to.
That must have been so frustrating, not being able to speak your mind and form proper sentenes. How did S treat you at that moment? I'm sure more people have similar reactions to anxiety-filled days, so S should be atleast somewhat used to it and know how to effectively comfort and help you. I don't really know much about the medication, so I suggest you discuss it with S the next time you see her, so there are no uncertainties.
Great job on calling A! I get that having a male therapist could be a challenge, especiallly at the start. But you never know how he's going to be. He could be the best therapist you've ever had! :)
You're welcome, I just hope you are well and will finally get the help you deserve.
That's sweet. Haha I'm sure you will. Would be way better if americans would adept the metric system too though, makes more sense than what they use right now.
@Cheeney
Hey Cheeney !
I'm really glad I chased that dog, as I'm sure other people might have ignored it or not understood what happened. I know she's in good hands now until she can go to a new home (the rule here is, you have to wait 10 days and if the owners don't claim the dog, then it's yours). I got to play with her on Thursday and she is just sooo sweet. The lady who helped me pick her up was dog sitting on Thursday and I went to her apartment. It was a little weird as I'm not good at socializing, but somehow we had a good talk and she was really understanding and nice.
I'm not really sure, if S got my struggles. I told her, I'm super anxious about these things. But in the middle of the session she said, I was looking as if I was doing well. Errrm... Actually most of the time I look like I'm doing well for other people. I have many many years of training to hide my struggles in front of even my closest family. People who don't know me well even say, they like my "zen vibes". When actually I'm not calm but paralyzed.
I will see how it goes with W tomorrow. I think A got my struggles pretty well, so I have hopes that she picked the right therapist for me. And I also could switch to a different one in her office. That's good too in my opinion.
And yes, it would make more sense, when everyone was using the metric system. Even Japan uses it ;)
@miya211 That's so awesome! Not only will the dog get a new home, but you've had two social situations already because of the dog, both of which were with understanding individuals. That's a huge step! Don't worry about not being good in socializing, that will come to you with time and practice. The important thing is that you had those conversations, with two different people you didn't know, at seperate times, and the actual conversations weren't that bad. I mean, that's a huge victory if you ask me.
I understand. After all these years of hiding your anxiety, you become so naturally skilled at it that most people don't even know your anxious. I remember one time when I was in high school, a friend asked me what he could do to become more confident, when I asked him why me he said ''because you seem like a very confident guy.'' At that time, my social anxiety wasn't as bad as it is now, but I was miles away from being confident. I was just skilled at faking it.
Now, faking calmness in therapy is kind of contradictory, even when done unconsciously. My therapist told me pretty quick that he really wanted to help me, but he couldn't do so if I hid away my feelings. Once I opened up to him I got much more out of therapy. But trusting someone enough to fully open up will most likely take time and therapists should understand that and work had to earn your trust. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's important to let your therapist in and trust him/her, but you shouldn't feel rushed to do so. Taking the time you need is also part of the healing process.
I really hope she made the right pick too, would save you the trouble of having to switch between therapists again.
Good o'l japan
@Cheeney
So, the puppy was reunited with her original owners today. I got a message from the lady who helped catching her. She also sent me a picture of the owners, which were not the people who I saw the dog with on Wednesday. I'm glad she found home, but then I'm also sad I couldn't even say good bye to her.
You are right, it was good to have these conversations.
I had similar experiences like you. And then some that were a little different. In my high school graduation yearbook for example some people wrote, they always thought I was arrogant and cold. Close to the end of high school some realized, I was actually a nice person. ... Some also wrote I had courage, because I did what I wanted (like having dread locks and later on shaving my head and looking all different from everyone else). When I read this stuff I was more than confused. But there was a lot of weird stuff going on in school anyway. I was just glad that it was over - not because of school itself, but just because of the people.
Yes, you are right with that, too. I have to open up for therapy. But it is really hard. I can't even tell how many years this is going on. Probably around 20 years...But hopefully I can get rid of it quicker than that ;)
@miya211 Ah, it's sad that you couldn't say goodbye to the dog. But luckily he's back home now.
It's weird how people's opinions of you can change so fast, isn't it? One moment you're cold, the next you're brave. If there's anything to be learned from all this I suppose it is that people make assumptions way too soon, and you really shouldn't care much what other people think. Though ofcourse that's way easier said than done.
I get how that must be hard, after 20 years of hiding your feelings now having to open up to someone you hardly even know. It's like a mental blockade. Taking this down will take time, and your therapist should understand that and help you. Hahah no doubt you will succeed within 20 years :P It's not too late for new year's resolution, why not make 2016 ''the year I will learn to open up to people''.
@Cheeney
I wish I was as wise as you when I was your age ;)
I was always wondering how people could make up their mind about someone so quickly. And even felt insulted, when people told me how my character was. Because how could they know after spending maybe some hours with me?
And and and...today I met with W. I was an hour early, because I wrote down the wrong time...better than too late, I guess ;)
It was actually pretty good. He was really really nice. I got some homework, which I like. It's just something small, but I know I would never do it on my own - if there is no one who checks up on it. I have to write down my activities this week for morning, afternoon and evening. And write down when I have a panic attack/meltdown together with the feelings and thoughts at that time and the activity I did prior to it. I can also call him or text him, when I have a panic attack and don't know what to do.
But before I start praising him, I'd rather wait for the next session to see if it continues like this.
@miya211 Aw, you flatter me. I guess I'm an old soul.
That baffles me as well. Sadly, people make up their minds about someone in a matter of seconds. If all it took were a couple of hours to completely know someone, inside and out, the world would be a very dull place.
I'm glad it went well. I like that he gave you that homework, seems like a good exercise. Keeping track of your activities and feelings will definitely help give you both some more insight. He also seems like a genuine and involved therapist, so that's great. Smart thinking in keeping your expectations low, you never know what the future holds. Though I'd say for a first appointment, it went incredibly well and I hope it will continue to go that way.
@miya211 I'm glad today seemed to go well. It's promising that he engaged you with a task you find potentially helpful, not too difficult, and that you wouldn't do on your own. Some people like getting therapy homework, others loathe it; sounds like it agrees with you, which is helpful to know!
@miya211 You expressed your thanks just fine! I wonder whether you couldn't just ask A to refer you to a woman... is there some special reason W seems to be her top choice? There might well be...
As for S, I'd say continue to see how it goes. Not every session goes great, and you had a lot on your mind! Moreover, sometimes it's actually very good to have what you perceive as a "bad" session, because the therapist sees up close what you're like when you are NOT doing well. That can help them figure out what you need.
I think you're doing great at figuring things out! And the day that feet, inches, cups, teaspoons and Fahrenheit degrees start seeming logical hasn't fully arrived for me - and I was born here!
@JBlue
Hey JBlue!
:)
I told A I was not really comfortable with a male therapist. She said, if possible I should give him a try and if it didn't match, then I could still see one of her other female therapists. It's just like 45 minutes, so...I can do it!!! ;)
Yes, I will see next week, if it's getting better again with S.
She saw I was holding back a lot, my whole body was tense during the session (actually the whole day and most of the time anyways). She said I need to try to don't hold back during the sessions or tell her when I do so. It's really not easy to do, when you have soo many years of hiding your feelings. I still think I sound like an uninvolved person, when I talk about my own feelings.
Hahaha...aww no!! I think my husband hasn't figured it out either - he's born in the US too. It's just so confusing, when measurements say something like 2' 3/8". I don't even know how to measure 3/8 of an inch with a ruler... :D
hello @Moj and @JBlue !
thank you again for your support!
i decided to see both therapists as they both have interesting approaches.
S is more digging into the past. i first thought i don't need that, but it is actually pretty interesting - even though it's painful, too. it's good to hear someone's opinion who is uninvolved. my own view might be a little bit stuck.
the second session with W went well, it seems he understands the troubles i have right now slightly better. and he comes up with practical exercises that can help me when i feel a panic attack starting.
but i had a pretty rough week anyway...i'm also stressed out about my trip to germany end of the month. afraid of all the pushing and pulling from my family. maybe it's time to tell them the truth and stop acting as if everything is fine. some of my family members are very stubborn and only see what they want to see, thinking they know it all and are oh so empathic - but actually they know nothing about me.
i will stay a little over a month in germany and we will have our official church wedding ceremony and wedding reception there (when i moved to the US we had to rush with the wedding, because of my visa). that's also a big stress factor. right now all i hope for is that i don't have a meltdown on that day. meh...whatever...
i'm in a weird mood today...a mix of sadness / i don't care / headache / where can i hide? / why don't we have a punching bag? / irritated / lightheaded /...
i hope you two are doing better!!!
@miya211 Interesting about the two therapists... my first good therapist was more like W I'd say and helped me get "functional" on a daily basis, while the one I have now is more like S and is interested in my past. So I can see how their approaches might be complementary in a helpful way.
Dealing with family can be hard, and there's no easy way to tell in advance whether being more open will bring more relief - but it certainly can. And you might even find that while some of them will not understand, the one or two people who might surprise you pleasantly will be worth it! The travel and wedding stress will pass, of course, and I think you see that. But it's still unpleasant. Best of luck on all of this!
@JBlue
it's both helpful, right? i'm still not sure, if seeing them parallel is really so good. but i will think about that while i'm in germany. i'm a bit afraid about not seeing anyone for the almost 8 weeks in total i will be gone.
does your family know about your struggles?
my mom knows a bit, but she is the one i can talk best with. even so, she was kind of shocked, when i told her, i have depressions for so many years. shocked in the way that she was not able to see this. now we are talking about the therapy too, which is good because i have almost zero memories of my childhood and she can make some things clearer.
my sister knows, i have some trouble. i'm not sure if my mom told her something. the rest of my family only knows my acting. i can be quite a chameleon so i can't blame them for not seeing anything. i don't know why, but many people in my family intimidated me a lot - i think unconsciously. i always hated to hear that i'm too sensitive, or all the questioning about the decisions i made.
yes, i know, it makes no sense to think about my family's reactions too much right now. but i tend to obsessively think about negative outcomes of my actions...i hope, there are some of the pleasant surprises ;)
@miya211 My wife certainly knows, but isn't terribly helpful. When I was first depressed in high school my mother tried to get me to seek help, but I wasn't receptive at the time and I didn't really feel she was approachable for support. I've also talked with my brother just a little when he seemed to be depressed... but overall I tend not to turn to family for support. Which I guess is why I'm here!
@miya211 I'm glad both of them are working out well, it seems they have very different approaches but both can be helpful. Digging into the past can be great to kind of treat your problems at the cause and see when and why they formed. And practical exercises are great because you immediately get something out of it and in the long run by doing these exercises you'll start to get better at them and the effect will multiply.
I'm sorry your week was rough, I do hope you're excited about going to Germany. I understand your anxiety about the trip but it would be a waste to forget to have fun while your there. Safe travels!
