kind of pointless

being a first generation american kid to two african parents is already hard to deal with. trying to make them happy, trying to make them seem like going through all the horrible things they went through was worth it to give me and my siblings a better life. over the past few years I think I really started tanking, I used to dream about my future and now I can barley see it when I try to envision it. its almost like a blank slate looking at me, I have no hope or goals, everyday itself is a new struggle. It helps a bit to know that how I am feeling isn't just me and that a lot of people go through what I am feeling. Its just so fucking hard to get out of this feeling you know. I found this website because I was at work and I could barley even concentrate on anything, it felt like a vortex was trying to pull me with it. I've been trying my hardest to move on and try to shake this unbearable saddness though! I recently moved, I signed up for classes, I'm trying to get into the nursing program, I'm trying to stay healthy and fix my anemia, I'm trying to eat better, but nonethless its hard. I've always hated myself for some odd reason, I might not be perfect but in my head I feel like I'm the worst of the worst. My head always trys to convince me that I am not worthy of being looked at somehow. i think thats why I can never really look people in the eye, eye contact seems too intamite and werid for me to do. I've never spoke about what I feel because its frowned upon in my family, it just seems like in my culture to say I'm sad is almost a joke. i've never experienced war, hunger, death any of that heavy stuff so I have no reason to be sad. thats the mentality a lot of my east african families have, thats the mentality mine have. I'm 21 and i feel like i have no purpose, no passion, nothing to look forward to. i want to get help because I truly don't want to keep feeling like this, i don't want to find love and have a kid like this. i want to be happy, its a hard request but i want to truly feel happy in my own skin, my own mind, my own life. i want to be able to wake up and not hate opening my eyes. i want to be able to wear anything i want walk outside and smile, i want to be regular, be normal. this is the first time i am on this site, but its also the first time ive ever written down what i truly want to say. Im sad, really sad, unbearbaly sad, and i want to stop feeling like this. i want friendships, relationships, i want to be passoinate about something. i want to learn to be better and do better. i don't want to be a nurse and secretly feel horrible. i want to be able to help others knowing that i myself am ok. i don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable around me because i am uncomfortable in my own skin. anyway, i just wanted to kind of get a bit of these feelings out and into the air instead of letting it build up. thanks for reading sorry to make you feel like i dumped baggage onto you.