not sure where to go from here
i've tried typing this over and over and none of its really what im trying to say. i just dont care at all anymore like at all. everything seems to be wrong and all i want to do is sleep all the time. its so hard to convince myself to get out of bed and go to class and sometimes i cant do that anyway.
i just dont know what im doing. best case scenario out of all of this is that i somehow, through some fucking miracle, get the courage to reach out and ask for help and get better to...what exactly? keep going through a life i dont care about? go to classes that make me miserable and that i pray to be over quicker so i can find ways to bullshit my coursework for the next 4 years until i get my unusable degree? or else dropout and go back home to my family i can barely stand?
and i know. if i dont like my life i can change it. except i dont have anything i want in the first place. i dont have any passions. i have two hobbies--reading and drawing--neither of which ive had the energy to do anymore anyway. i dont have a plan for my life. i chose the major im pursuing because i felt like i should--i dont have any plans for what ill do with it. i dont want to live a life on my own. i dont have friends and havent for almost 4 years now and i dont know how to change that. the worlds going to shit anyway and anyone can see that. i just dont care so. what am i supposed to do about that.
i know i cant get better if i dont want to. it takes effort and a will to change and i need a reason to do that but i dont really have one. so im a bit lost i guess. at where im supposed to take myself now that ive gotten to this point. because theres not really a way out.
@itsrory
Writing this at all is a huge step in and of itself. I'm not gonna pretend I know your exact situation or how people treat you or whether or not you truly would feel better with treatment. But I can tell you that depression is a sick fucker that warps all of your thoughts and perceptions; what seems hopeless now could just be the result of the disease turning your brain inside out, sapping your energy, and feeding off the cycle of misery that insues. It's just like a drug addiction: you get high, feel awful and guilty for having done so, do more drugs to numb the pain, and then even when you want to quit your body falesly convinces you that you'll die if you do so. But people can still quit, and when they do, their bodies cease demanding the drug. Similarly, a person with depression can heal and their minds will stop forcing the twisted narrative that there is no point in living anymore.
Of course, this is something that you must come to terms with yourself at your own pace. There's no pressure or anything and you've got lots of people on this site willing to talk about it with you. And again, you've already identified your feelings and were willing to share them, which already brings you one step closer to getting better. If you don't have any friends then we'll be you're friends, and we'll help you build the strength you need to decide whether or not you want professional help.
Hang in there.
@allybee543
I must stop and say thank you for your responce, its spot on. No candy coating, but the fact is; when we are humbled and ready, then we can step out of our own ways, then try another way