pain
i remember when i used to feel the literal physical pain when i was depressed. everything felt fainful to do. going outside. listening to music. doing homework. spending time with family. friends. everything made me feel pain. it was really heavy in my heart and my head. i literally saw everything in black and white. maybe even blurry. i'd do anything to have back that feeling again. it's better that feeling nothing or a temporary bliss that will go away in a few hours. i don't trust my feelings. i don't trust myself. i hate it. and i hate myself. i wish i wasn't here anymore just like my pain. just absent. no one heard or saw me.
Making any experience temporary or permanent is up to you dear. It's gonna be alright. Don't worry and don't hate yourself. You are also cause of someone happiness. Believe me. I would be also happy if I help you in anyway through this, then you are the cause of my happiness. It's gonna be okay dear.