[rant] 25 years into life, and I'm just disappointed.
My biggest problem right now is that I don't even want to die anymore. It's the opposite now - I want to live forever, so that maybe in a few thousand years I can see what my species should have become. What they've built now simply isn't acceptable. I'd rather binge-watch good sci-fi than engage with the world, but the problem with that is they keep cancelling the good sci-fi due to "real world issues". I can empathise with the entire cast of Killjoys, which is a light-hearted action/sci-fi show, but I barely feel anything for my own family. I don't understand how a TV character can be more interesting than a real person, but my theory is that it's partially to do with the characters emphasising the best traits, and partially something to do with our definition of "the real world", which I've found is more fantasy than anything.
So let's look at the real world. I work in a bakery. I walk 7 miles into work and 7 miles back, and all I'm doing is making pies and sausage rolls by the pallet, for minimum wage. It's not even my own recipe. When I get home I study programming, and I'm learning so many interesting things I almost feel superhuman. My coworkers are busy with their "real world stuff" - watching football, drinking cheap lager, and buying an iPhone for their 3 year old kid. What these degenerates don't understand is that the real world is a single, mortal celestial body which could die in a million different ways at any moment - and we are still struggling for survival, and even food in some parts. Their "real world" is just a first-world fantasy.
My own family turned out to be no better, in fact they're just cowards. When I was a teenager, I tried to press charges because my father gave me a black eye and a burst lip - but they convinced me to drop those charges, to protect their "family honour". They didn't want their friends talking about them, and I wanted a childhood, but apparently their fantasy social lives are more important. A few years later, I defend them from a violent attack, by him, where he tried to break his own mother's leg because she told him to stop drinking and go home. He got locked up and that's when his girlfriend, ex-girlfriends and ex-victims came forward, and they found that he wasn't only beating his girlfriend, he was also molesting her 10 year old daughter, along with another 13 year old girl from the area. Basically they should've listened to me in the first place. Maybe when he gets out of prison I'll just put my phone on silent, and they can enjoy the family honour in all its glory. I still haven't gotten an apology either, the best they can do now is just stop asking me every few months to visit them.
I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I've done the trial by fire and I want my fuckin prize, I had a shitty childhood and I was looking forward to enjoying my adult life, but now I'm dreading the next day because it's Monday. I actually preferred my childhood, it wasn't empty like this - there was passion in all the violence. I might not even go into work tomorrow, I probably will but there's a part of me saying I already got my prize - if I were to rob someone instead, they wouldn't stand a chance.
That's the end of my rant. I'll probably attempt to delete it tomorrow but I'm not sure if you can actually delete things on this site, which kinda sucks because although I usually feel like this, I usually prefer to be a bit more coherent and humorous about it.
I'm sorry your dad mistreated you like that. I know this is going to sound very generic, but have you given meditation a try? It sounds like you're struggling to be present in the world and enjoy your life in the real world. I know it can be hard to do so if you've had a past full of turmoil or abuse, and even more so if your childhood had those elements. We try to 'create a wall of words/images around us' as some people call it, as a coping mechanism to the abuse/trauma we face during our childhood. We try our best to not focus on the hurt that we're feeling and try focusing on something else. And that becomes ingrained into our minds' subconscious habits before we know it. I'm sorry if you're going through that. Meditation might help you (try working up to 20 minutes a day). Therapy would also be immensely helpful. Hope it gets better for you.
@courteousPlane3605 Thanks, I'm taking a moment to appreciate the selflessness of responding to someone who's not in a healthy frame of mind - amongst all the things I hate about people, this is something positive. I can't do therapy due to my shift patterns, I had to cancel my appointments, but it's never worked anyway so it's not a huge loss. I do kind of meditate, only when I can't sleep because it helps me feel rested.
I'm trying not to focus on my past, because when I do I just excuse myself for shitty behaviour, and I can treat people like they're not even human without realising it until later. I've been fired from jobs in the past because of the way I sometimes treat people. But when I don't, I just feel like a machine with no interface to the world.
I took today off work anyway, I worry that this will be the start of a habit but I'm just going to try to switch off tomorrow. The people will get their sausage rolls, but if I still feel the same way in 20 years they'll be eating soylent green.
Dear @spacemanJ, I also want to express how sorry I am to hear that your father treated you and your family like that. Reading your post struck me because I used to have similar feelings. Of course what everyone feels inside is different, and thats why I never like to compare situations, I just want to say: I hear you.
Before I add to @courteousPlane3605 I wanted to make one more suggestion: Is there any way you can buy a bicycle? Second hand or anything? Maybe you enjoy walking 14 miles a day, but if I am not wrong that is over 4 hours of walking a day. If you bike instead, you could make each trip in less than an hour. That gives you SO MUCH more time to study at home and feel like a superhuman. If you have 2 more hours a day to study, thats 10 hours a week, 40 hours a month— incredible!
Maybe it would be good for you to invest more time like that into yourself, maybe it could lead you to ditch the sausage rolls one day. Or it could free up time to indeed pursue therapy again?
Now, to add to @courteousPlane3605, she is right, it sounds generic. But I started meditating one year ago and it changed my life completely. I started to meditate 20 minutes in the AM and again in the PM. 40 minutes a day. The beginning was hard because I could not quiet my mind, and I got mad thinking I am sitting in a darkened room and wasting time. The great paradox, however, is, that by spending that time it creates so much more headspace that it ‘creates more time and wellbeing in my life.
You say you sometimes mediate when you cant sleep is a great start! In fact, my main motivation for meditation was to help my insomnia. But studies show that meditation brings benefits if it is practiced persistently, roughly at the same time of the day, for extended amounts of times.
My changes came on slowly, it took me maybe 2 months to notice a small change. But now, after a year, I am a completely different person.
I wish this for everyone, and you, too.
@Jezabel Thanks for replying. Yes I did have a mountain bike at one point, I loved it, but one day I left it in my gran's garage and it sat there for months, then my aunt broke up with her husband and he stole my bike and left me his shitty one. I was thinking today though, I might just do driving lessons and get a car, because then I could bring my laptop to work and work on my own stuff, with the bonus of being able to fix phones during my break - that's how I got on with people in my last job.
Right now I feel a lot better, though at the time of writing I didn't think I was going to feel any better, so that's a relief. Most of what I thought during that time now feels like I was being an asshole, but that kind of mindset got me through so much shit in school, at home, and outside. My family are mostly decent people, I just don't think they're capable of dealing with people like my father. I've fought him so many times progressively better, and I can predict him but he can't predict me, I feel like I'm his natural predator with this mind. I think I just need to stop applying that mindset to other people who have done nothing wrong except being afraid or being comfortable. That way, I won't feel aggressive all the time, which gives me time to focus on other things.
I appreciate you both putting up with my moody ranting, I type a lot but that's mostly the programmer's fault. I think at some point, I'll write down a plan for myself and build a reputation as a hard-working reliable guy, rather than me being a criminal's moody son who hates his job. I know how I'm going to progress to the software industry, it'll just take a few months worth of weekends. And the job I'm doing now isn't so bad, even if it isn't my end goal, I figured out recently that the people I work with aren't evil or degenerates :)
I'll try meditation too, it would help keep my mood and behaviour consistent.
