"sinks to rest"
TW: self-harm, suicidal identity
September was morbid. It put me in the dark tunnel without the light in its end. It showed me visions of suffering, luring me into thinking that in pain I find a solution. But there wasn't any answer, because I wasn't a problem to solve. It gave me a fever, but it couldn't keep me warm from the cold abyss I held inside.
I was lifeless, I couldn't understand why my family insisted on talking with me. That wasn't me. It was an empty shell in scarce resemblance of my true form. I was lost. I was dead. I was desperate.
One day I saw the flight of birds travelling to the South and I screamed for help. I only scared them off.
___
October was cruel. It tossed me between despair and anxiety and enjoyed watching me desperately grasping for hope. It laughed at me when I tried to calm myself down. It laughed when I switched meds for the fifth time. It couldn't let me sleep, set my synapses on fire. It brought me madness and fear.
It tortured me with false future and present projects and responsibilities. It gave me an ounce of ambition without any energy. I was exhausted. I was so tired I couldn't stand up for myself, so I took every hit from this bully. I've made plenty of mistakes. Every time I tried to fix one, I only make the situation worse. In the end, I've stopped trying.
I was disappointed in myself.
___
November is patient. It wakes me up gently because it knows how difficult it is for me to break from the realm of dreams. It takes care of me, giving me enough energy to tackle my day, to try new things, to gain back control over my little universe. Taught me once again how to appreciate the silence, a cup of tea, a book. It lets me weep in the evenings, simply because I have to. Like an autumnal rain which must fall, I let my tears to flow. I don't fight with gravity anymore. I don't fly, but neither I crawl.
It helps me accept my new diagnosis. It showed me the crowd of kind, brave minds who lived before or with me, who didn't let to be defined by their illnesses. I gained strength from them. I trace their faces, taped to my wall and wonder about their courage, their weaknesses, their victories. I think about Novembers and Octobers of their lives. I think about mine.
I endure.
___
Title of this post is taken from the poem by Clyde Watson:
November comes
And November goes,
With the last red berries
And the first white snows.
With night coming early,
And dawn coming late,
And ice in the bucket
And frost by the gate.
The fires burn
And the kettles sing,
And earth sinks to rest
Until next spring.
Spring
is green with envy of
Summer.
Sweet Celaeno,
I am glad November is being kinder to you. I hope December envelopes you in its arms and congratulates you on making it this far. You are the very definition of a warrior, dear, and you are very dear to my heart.
Please know I am always here if you need me. I will send you a follow notification again so you know where to go.
Keep going. You are an inspiration, sweet Celaeno. I'm so proud of you.
@ValentineLove, sorry for such a long time of radio silence - I didn't respond until now, but know I read it immediately last week. You are a gem. Thank you for your kindness. You make a difference in my life and I'm really grateful for it.
I feel better, but I can't stop thinking that if future peace could be experienced in the lowest point of our lives that would make a whole difference. And that way, we have to trust blindfolded in ourselves and our strength and endure without any guarantee. I wonder how we can bring people the light when all they can see is darkness... Just late night pondering ^^
Sending you all my love, Love!
@Celaeno I suppose we do that by not necessarily promising them the light, but promising we'll hold their hand in the darkness until we reach the light. When we reach that light is unknown, that's true. As is what that light will look like. But if we take their hand in ours and promise them that we'll walk with them together, for as long as it takes, that's what will matter the most to them.
Sending you all my love as well, dear. Do you know where to find me if you need me?
@ValentineLove, I just wish everyone has the support and hands to hold in those times. Depression makes you hide away, hide in yourself and suffer in silence, waiting to implode. We really need to have better advocacy for people with mental illnesses and general shift in regarding mental health around the world.
I have so many friends and colleagues who struggle alone, because they feel ashamed that they have any problems in the first place. It breaks my heart when they exhaust all of their energy to keep up with a "brave face", because I can see my past self in them. Why is it happening, really? It is a basic basic: to sleep enough, to eat healthy, to move your body, to connect with others. And when you feel not okay, you go to specialists who can help you. Why the stigma is so persistent? It prevents so many people to live their life fully as they deserve to. This issue really burns inside me and I don't know how to handle it.
Thank you, love. I don't know how to find you, besides forum and chat rooms as a member. Do you have some secret lair? ^^
All my love to my friend!
@Celaeno I wish everyone had support as well, and we do have a long way to go when it comes to mental health. But what we must never forget is how far we've already come. People used to be locked up in asylums where they would remain for the rest of their lives. It wasn't done to help them, but to keep them out of the public eye. Compare that to now, and we've made so many wide leaps and bounds. And we're not done yet. :) That's the great part. We still have plans for the future and to better the system already set in place. Those of us who have seen the darkness and are fortunate enough to not be alone can strive to become the light for others in the future. We may not be able to make wide scale differences right now, but we can step on a path that will eventually lead us to that and work towards it gradually. And until then, we can stop and help the people we meet along the way, and hope that the people we help then turn around and help the people they find on their journey. And so on and so on. We'll settle for creating ripples until we can make a splash.
I'll send some light your way on how to find me. I do have a lair of some sorts. :P
"We'll settle for creating ripples until we can make a splash"
I will write it somewhere, @ValentineLove, because that's a literary jewel. You're right and insightful as always. We are progressing and that's enough. I will send you a bat-signal soon ^^;