surviving through share

I broke up with a guy with whom I was in a 8 year long relationship 2 months ago.

My father expired when I was age 16. My brother left for boarding school when I was age 10. I lived with my mother who has been with me through all times. My relatives don't like me as am the female one ( patriarchy, husband's property type). They abused me verbally two months after my father died of multiple organ failure n heart attack, that i killed my father. For a daughter to hear such stuff at such point of time is like thousand daggers hit together.

I have had good friends including guys. But, presently, what has been the peak of my mental stress is the relationship I got involved into at age 20.

I'll call this guy Robbie. He asked me out and he knew all my situation at home beforehand. He pressed me to become his girlfriend and I took it as let's see what happens. For the next 10 days, he made me feel on top of the world, with his plans and promises of the future, staying with me, going to places and adventure. By the 11th day, he pushed me into bed, made out with virgin me, (which he thought i was not due to a rumour). After the sex, he said stuff like he's going out of station i won't be available. He ghosted me out for the next 3-4days. I was in a really bad shape.

Later, i pressed him to meet me, and he asked me sex again. I had no problem with sex meet ups as i just wanted to meet him and be near to him. I used to lie at my home to meet him, stole money for a hotel room from home. Gradually, we started going out for movies, food and other shopping stuff. Celebrating birthdays and new years. I believed that I'll make him love me, stay with me and we'll get married eventually and make all the plans real which he talked about in the first 10 days.

He asked me to lose weight and be thin, while practically i was normal. He asked me to change dressing sense, i used to wear both western and ethnic attire, but he wanted branded clothes. He asked to straighten teeth wear braces as my one canine ws twisted a bit. He asked me start wearing make up as m not so white skinned, am whitish. I did all of it. I didn't ask anything for change in him, even if i did ever, he would say change your BF, while i just wanted to stay with him and marry him eventually. I used to ask God for it many number of times.

One day i snooped on his phone chats, and stumbled on chat with a girl with whom he was flirting with. My body went cold, and tears started dropping involuntarily. I gave him back his phone and went out of the shop we were standing in. He came running after me asking me what happened, i told him in a very heavy crying voice. He was like am only flirting time pass nothing else, u mean everything, u r my home. I went home, thinking i ll take care of him more, so he'll not think of other girls. After a few months, he met some girl on facebook, had a one night stand, comes and tell me. It took me a moment to process it but he didn't let me to, asks do u love me do u love me, i said yes i do, and i couldn't react any further. he continued having one night stands and had me in his control.

My mother had made a bank FD for me, so i can have its interest as its pocket money. I told him about it as thats how i get pocket money. He eyed my money, he tried to make brownie points infront of his parents, he gave money to his driver so that he can build house with that money. He was in college, earning no money, both his parents had good earning, and his younger brother moved abroad for study. I gave him money, without letting my mother know about it. And he said he'll return it within a month. He returned money after 14months, that also lesser amount than the actual.

After 3yrs of the relationship, he went abroad to complete his masters, and returned a year after and went back after 2months vacation. We maintained 2yr a long distance relationship. Where my IST ws going with his EST. I was completely loyal to him those two years when he was out. He on other hand had lot of sexual cravings. I tried my level best to handle those via sex chats and handle his food cravings via easy food recipes. After 4 months from moving away, he went to a hooker, and made out with two women together. He told me about it later and i had to be okay with it and gulp it. Next many months he had hooker encounters 2-3 atleast. He came back from abroad so that he can try his hand at govt job exams. I snooped on his phone and saw chat exchanges with his ex gf, recalling old times, she ws getting married, eventually she blocked him, while he told that she wanted to get back with him and he said no.

I was sound academically. Robbie practically made me his sex slave kind of person, I was at his beck 'n' call whether it was food or sex. I was like the emergency number for food and sex to him, where i spent hotel money and paid my share of food money. We exchanged gifts on bdays, and bday dinner. Never celebrated any valentines or anniversaries. i never fought with him, while he fought with me every other two weeks for no rhyme and reason, i apologised for no reason just to make him stay with me. He became abusive, I endured it. I lied a lot at my home just to go on holidays with him, and he was just into sex and roaming around with me, I paid my expenses part always. When i used to hint for marriage or meeting his parents, he used to say when am getting the beer for free, why should i buy the liquor store. I took it jokingly, and passed through, thinking that he'll get a job and then settle.

He indulged in my academics too, where he would say yes to this course and no to that job which I am in. All this went on, He never met my mother or brother, I never met his parents, but met his friends and brother cousins. He started talking about his sexual fantasies like ffm, mmf, swap, orgy sorts. He got his foreign country PR and talked about his future plans with me. I had got a government job, while he couldn't land any job or clear any exam for govt job as he thought of himself as too high end for the salary bracket. He gradually asked me to bring in 70 lakh rupees from home as dowry, as it will help us settle in foreign country, including my education expenses.

While in his mind, if he ever cleared the exam, he would have left me and married a girl whose father is in a powerful position in the government. But he continued with me coz i was at his beck and call.

So many frequent fights ensued which were majorly for me not able to make it up for sex on a particular day or me having refused to have dinner on a particular day or me having expressed my opinion or me having expecting apology from him.

All this went on for 7 and half years, until I reached a breaking point of verbal abuse, and emotional manipulation. I broke up for the sake of my mental health and professional progression.

He jumped in again, pressing me for marriage, forcing me to meet his parents, and take me to Canada to start a new life.

Sexually, he said stuff that after marriage, he would like to have sex with other women, he had me convinced that it is need of men's body urges and that his cousins also do it and their wives are okay with it. It bugs me. He had been doing it many a times, i have read his chats to women also where he talks flirtatiously and then dirty sex talks. He goes out to have sex with couples and mature women.

I have been a loyal person where I never even touched another guy for the last 8 years, and made out with him only. As i believed that when you love someone so dearly that the body rejects any other body to be near it also.

Today, after this emotional roller coaster of 8 years, where i have time and again caught him cheating, this time asking other women for marriage too, like me having a safety valve, he's asking me for commitment and marrying him. (He forcibly met my mother too pressing for marriage, my mother didn't like him for his short tempered nature-volatility). It would be easier for him to continue his sexual adventures if i get married to him.

I met his parents to let know about me, and told them i need another chance for a more better job than the present one, but his parents kept pressing me to marry him settle outside and start family I asked him that i need a year another to marry him as i am preparing for higher job exam. Though it is true, my excuse was to test his love towards me if he can wait for that long, if he did any genuine love, or was it his convenient love manipulation all the while.

I am in a completely distressed stage currently. I don't know how I endured so much manipulation all these years, I had compromised on all my principles and ideals, lied on so many occasions to my mother and brother.

Eventually, he came to know that i wouldn't be docile woman and won't marry him this year, and after me having told him that I have stress, anxiety and depression sort of issues, he didn't pay attention to them and instead asked for sex in a hotel again. I found him to be really sex hungry that moment, like whatever i am saying means nothing. He started emotionally abusing me again. I reached the peak saturation like death sort of feeling in brain.

The time, the effort, the feelings that went into the relationship went into drain. I had the perfectionist attitude of doing things right or making things right, but it killed my mental health.

I tried to make things right but the emotional verbal abuse along with dowry demand made me ill mentally.

I need positive affirmations and assurances like everyday to move on and believe that there is a brighter future ahead, any advice or suggestions to overcome the mental images where so many times I replay the scenario again and again, i try to find hidden meanings of happenings, why or how this happened to me, feeling guilty many a times if it was really true love and i have done something wrong. I believe i should be thankful that i didn't get married to him. Hoping life brings in good people.