An Essay I wrote on the Stigma of Loneliness

**Originally written as an answer on Quora to the question: "Why does saying that you're lonely have such a stigma?"

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?
—The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby

I agree, sadly, that identifying oneself as lonely could, to some degree, be considered a sort of stigma. Notice I dont say loneliness itself is the key stigma, but I think more so any individual who assumes the label of a loner could be perceived through a negative, demeaning lens by those around him/her. Now I dont mean to imply that someone who is just seen as habitually lonely would be lumped in with other groups who are flagged by a social stigma on a much more flagrant and damning level such as sex offenders, rapists, sociopaths, or ex-convicts of any kind, as well as alcoholics and cigarette smokers, but more like an outcast who is alienated from the rest due to some characteristic/personality type that is abnormal or simply doesnt fit in with the general population. I think it may be more often the case that a chronic condition of loneliness is regarded as a certain handicap, perhaps something to be pitied more than shamed.

Now just to be clear about this, loneliness has been defined as a perceived social isolation, or the discrepancy between what you want from your social relationships and your perception of those relationships. Essentially it is a subjective condition that stems from a lack of meaningful connection with others, a sense of not belonging, or an inability to develop intimate relationships for whatever reason.

Sadly, the number of people suffering from loneliness is on the rise. In this day and age a greater percentage of people are having to contend with the epidemic of loneliness, particularly in Western societies, as increased social isolation metastasizes into a widespread malaise. In the United States for example, based on a survey within the last few years it was estimated that more than a quarter if Americans claimed that they have no one with whom they can talk about their personal troubles or triumphs. Furthermore the research found that not counting peoples family members, the number doubles to more than half of Americans who have no one outside their immediate family with whom they can share confidences.

Those who does not live with any family group are categorized by the Census Bureau as unrelated individuals, which is like the bureaucratic term for lonely person. The percentage of people designated as unrelated individuals has almost tripled, increasing from 6 to 16 percent of all people during the last 40 years.

In the United Kingdom, where roughly 9 million out of 66 million people crammed onto an island smaller than the state of Michigan report often or always feeling lonely, a so-called minister of loneliness was recently appointed to confront this epidemic and address the social and health issues caused by social isolation through a cross-governmental group. Well see how this works out. In any case, its important for everyone to recognize the present severity of loneliness across the board, concentrated more widely among certain age groups (e.g. young single adults and the elderly), which is likely to only get worse.

Contributing factors to this growing problem of loneliness in our 21st century tech-driven, fast-paced, ever changing and progressively globalized world include long working hours, increased use of social media—in many cases surpassing in-person interaction—and a mobile workforce traveling or living far from family. Communication between people that pivot primarily on face-to-face relationships is being supplanted by digital interaction, that is now available through a plethora of different apps and online communities, which are so easy for people to access 24/7 and dont require what might be considered an inconvenience of going out.

Alright, so now that Ive tried to offer some facts and statistics on our glaring modern-day phenomenon of rampant loneliness, pointing out that being lonely is by no means a rare condition, I will give my own perspective on where this stigma of loners comes from.

Well I think it begins at a very early age, on the playground or in the classroom, where children undergo their first rites of socialization. I recall from my own experience how during our school recesses the playground served as a kind of crucible for ones individual significance to be put on display and evaluated in terms of our relationship to our peers. Think of the different kids who didnt have friends to play with, the ones who sat or walked around by themselves, or sometimes awkwardly attempted to tag along with others only to be laughed away or subjected to ridicule. Did these lonely kids constitute anything close to a majority of students? Of course not. They were the outsiders.

Or should I say, we were the outsiders.. You could say we were stigmatized. Were we stigmatized for valid reasons? Thats an irrelevant question. Valid reasons dont matter to the mind of a first grader. Its all fair game in the cutthroat, open-air coliseum of the elementary school playground where the little lions are savage and bloodthirsty, where the insults are hurled and disparaging laughter is dished out indiscriminately and incessantly. Having any characteristic or physical trait deemed an aberration from the norm makes you an easy target to single out and pick on. Any form of being different for something that is tangible or stands out qualifies as an acceptable excuse for alienating or making fun of someone.

We lonely kids were by no means a homogeneous collection of different kids. We were marginalized and seen as different for different reasons. It mightve been the kid who had asthma or who wore glasses or who had too many freckles or who was mocked as a fatso or the kid who was abnormally tall or someone looked at as gross or ugly or who had big braces or crooked teeth, or who dressed in dirty, ripped up clothes or who didnt walk normally or talk normally. It couldve been the kid whom others referred to as a shrimp for being too short, like I was. It could have been the kid who was considered a weirdo, a dork, or a nerd, like I was. It mightve been the kid who couldnt play sports and was always picked last for any team sport. That wouldve been me as well.

Im dyspraxic and couldnt even jump-rope correctly. When I was in fifth grade my teacher tried putting me in special ed. P.E. In fact I was forced to leave my regular class during P.E. to go join the special ed. class one day, which drew so much negative attention and caused so much humiliation, I succumbed to crying right there on the spot in a public expo of tears that was far more than embarrassing— it was traumatizing. I had pleaded with one of my so-called friends to accompany me to the special ed. class so that I wouldnt have to be all alone in my exclusion. He very reluctantly went along with me in a manner of blatant condescension and embarrassment, looking back at our classmates with a disgusted, Sorry guys, I have to accompany this poor loser look on his face as we plodded away from them, making sure the cloud of shame hung over me and me alone. Fortunately thanks to the intervention of my mother, I did not have to endure that again.

I dont say any of that to cast any slight against kids who were in special ed. I say it to highlight what for me was one of the most excruciating episodes of my childhood, one that I can never forget, because I was sent away from my peers, apart from them, coerced by my teacher to showcase my role as someone shamefully different. Different in a derogatory sense, implying some kind of conspicuous handicap or shortcoming that elicited such damaging humiliation. Im sure kids who were in Special Ed. for every class experienced a great sense of exclusion or being stigmatized. I dont want to suggest that there is anything made easier for them or assume anything about their experience. But I would say, in terms of identity and relation to other peers around them, at least if those kids were in that class all day, they didnt have to deal with the degrading treatment I faced when I went back to the class where my peers were. Where the eyes of my peers stared uniformly at me upon my return, looking at me like I was this misfit who really didnt belong there. Where did I belong?

Heres an understatement for you: Being a lonely kid isnt easy.

Heres another understatement: My primary, middle, and high school experience would have been somewhat less destructive to my self-esteem had I never been required to participate in P.E. The fact is, I do have a handicap or disability or impediment, or whatever you wish to call it, it wont change what it is for me— I cant play sports. I dont have proper coordination. I cant even brush my teeth or hold a pen correctly. As an adult I refuse to ever throw a ball or attempt to catch one. My aversion to athletic activities remains firmly entrenched because of the inordinate humiliation it brought upon me. For this reason I empathize with anyone who has to live with some condition or intrinsic handicap that prevents them from taking part in activities the same way as the rest of their peers. I empathize with anyone who knows what its like to be lonely.

And loneliness doesnt get much easier as an adult. Indeed it gets much worse. The loneliness of an adult doesnt show up under the spotlight as it does for kids on the playground. So yes, you are spared from the sneering and jeering by a bunch of punk kids, but now you arent even noticed at all. How does an adult express to others that they are lonely? Who do they have to express it to? A therapist perhaps. But that could be for maybe fifty minutes a week at a rate of $100+. In the meantime it seems more reasonable to turn to booze or drugs or both as a way of coping with all that time spent in your own head.

Research has shown that adults who are lonely tend to avoid identifying themselves as such. I think its almost like the way that people dont want to tell anyone they are envious of someone, they dont want to tell anyone they are lonely. It feels like a mark of shame. And it shouldnt be this way for a lonely person. But stigma or no stigma, its not pleasant to be the loner in the room. Or the restaurant. I know that well. I know the feeling that goes with answering Just one, when asked, How many are in your party? This is usually received with a small bit of surprise.

The only reason I know about being all alone in restaurants, and on many different occasions, is because of all the traveling Ive done alone. Being in circumstances where I not only had little choice about dining out, but actually preferred to. Not simply because its part of the enjoyable experience while traveling, but also because when I spent all day wandering around, going to this site or the other with no one to talk to, the experience of being in a restaurant, especially one packed with other tourists, was the closest I could get to not feeling lonely all day. Just by being surrounded by other people and the boisterous noise of their company. Something I have noticed every single time I have been in a restaurant by myself is the nearly complete absence of anyone else sitting alone at a table. This doesnt suggest that lonely people are few— the facts I gave earlier should make it pretty clear that there are too many— but what it does illustrate is that loneliness does not sit well with public display.

People dont want to tell others they are lonely, they dont want others to look at them as lonely. Its not necessarily because they feel stigmatized or frowned upon, but perhaps simply uncomfortable with the attention drawn to them simply by virtue of the fact that they are all alone. Others are more likely to look at you and think, That poor person with no one to talk to must be so lonely, and concede a few seconds to noticing your isolated condition, which is viewed as pitiful or unfortunate.

In one study I read about, a researcher asserted that the very word ‘lonely carries a negative connotation, one that signals social weakness, or an inability to stand on ones own. Even counselors or operators of hotlines that people can call as a means of reaching someone they can talk to, even a total stranger, report that the lonely callers rarely identify themselves explicitly as lonely.

The article stated that most of the callers to these hotlines ask for advice on, say, roasting a turkey. Many call more than once a day. One woman rings every hour to ask the time. Only rarely will someone speak frankly about loneliness.

So, yes, it is fair to say that there is, unfortunately, a stigma against being a loner. There are so many different reasons why people may end up being long-term or perennial loners, but regardless of reasons, the amount of lonely people continues to swell. We are facing a real crisis of loneliness and it needs to be tackled with uninhibited frankness and without any unnecessary burden of a stigma. The effects of loneliness are extremely detrimental to ones mental and physical health, and can certainly become fatal.

Consider the findings that:

"Loneliness has been linked to depression, anxiety, interpersonal hostility, increased vulnerability to health problems, and even to suicide."

Notwithstanding the impact on quality of life and life satisfaction, loneliness has an equivalent risk factor to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, shortening ones lifespan by eight years.

We neednt compound the problem of loneliness by passing unfair judgments against anyone who is struggling with loneliness nor acting in any way that could preclude or discourage someone from being open about this struggle. The struggle of loneliness is destructive enough without the aspersions thrown at them either through insensitive words or derisive glances or anything that is further alienating. Loneliness kills. Loneliness is something all too painful and vicious all too real for far too many people. And this painful, vicious problem of loneliness is only getting worse.

Survey Finds Nearly Three-Quarters (72%) of Americans Feel Lonely

Researchers Confront an Epidemic of Loneliness

The power and prevalence of loneliness - Harvard Health Blog

The Loneliness of American Society

The U.K. Now Has a "Minister for Loneliness." Here's Why It Matters