Feeling lonely about not being in a relationship...

I’m stuck in a really weird position and I desperately need help. 

I’m a 21 year old guy in my last semester of university, about to graduate this December and I have a deep feeling of loneliness that pervades my heart. I don’t want to make this a trauma dump and I’m not the kind of guy to just sit around and complain. I deeply believe that at the end of the day, we are our own saviors and we need to make an effort to solve our life’s problems. And I’m ready to put that work in.

The issue really exists in… not knowing WHAT to do or WHERE to put that work in. 

You see, I’ve never been in a relationship before in my life and have had very limited opportunities to pursue anything, despite being a traditional romantic at my core. 

In high school, I battled OCD, depression, anxiety, and heartbreak (a girl love bombed me for 8 months but thankfully I never asked her out and ended our chat; it was also all during covid so everything was online) among other things. 

This made it impossible for me to reciprocate emotionally with anyone. On top of that I was very ambitious and I wanted to get into the best university possible so I had a million things I was doing at the same time for college apps and my academic stress levels were through the roof (and I got into a university in the top 5 in the USA too!). Even then, there were about 2 girls who tried to get to know me back in high school… but I was so emotionally closed off then that I couldn’t reciprocate.

In the 12th grade I realized I had these mental issues and started on a journey of self awareness and healing. I took some more time off for myself because I got too obsessed with discipline before that I forgot to love myself. I started journaling more which was very cathartic - but I also meditated, fixed my diet, started exercising, enjoying the sun, taking supplements, and fixing my sleep. I also mastered ERP for OCD so OCD doesn’t even affect me anymore. Slowly my mental health improved and became more stable over the course of two years, although I still have my lows but… it’s not as bad as it once was. 

When I entered university, for the first time ever, I had some mental space to seek romance in my own life. Having never been in a relationship before I tried to seek it out. But… the issue is that it’s very hard for me to find someone with the same values as me, because all that mental turmoil also taught me what to look for in a partner and who I’d feel safe and secure with.

I don’t drink, smoke, vape, or consume any intoxicants. I also HATE casual sex and anything “casual” because of how it undermines loyalty, romance, family, and the deeper aspects of life. 

I am not a part of the LGBTQ+ community… I am a straight “cis” man and find it difficult to pursue relationships with people in this community although I do respect them and have nothing against them. 

The worst part is a huge chunk of my university is involved in this drinking/partying business and the other chunk has a very alternative, hyper-progressive, LGBTQ+ vibe. 

And I find myself utterly excluded from both ends, socially and romantically… because I’m a guy who is only interested in a potentially long-term relationship with a straight woman who is emotionally intelligent and who isn’t into heavy drinking/partying/casual sex. 

And when it comes to friends, I’d like to look for friends who are emotionally intelligent… but trust me, finding other men who are willing to emotionally reciprocate with you is RARE. I only have one such good male friend. With female friends… well it’s a bit tricky for me because emotional reciprocation with women starts making me catch feelings… so while I’m not against it… it is a bit tricky to navigate. Not to say that I immediately fall in love with a girl who just opens up the slightest bit - not like that… but yeah I have a tendency to slowly catch feelings.

I can’t quite use dating apps because… first of all, they’re terrible for men generally and second of all… most people on there are looking for casual flings. Here’s something wilder, I’ve actually been asked out twice in university as well. The first girl was very much into partying/drinking so naturally that didn’t go forward. The second one asked me out too but that plan dissipated and never went forward. 

With my specific desire to date someone who has never been in a relationship before like me and who does not drink/smoke/vape/engage in casual sex… it’s getting very hard for me to find anyone like that. I have no idea where to look. I don’t want to be lonely for the rest of my life and I’m not looking for anyone perfect… I just need someone who is emotionally intelligent and is willing to work on creating something long term.

I’ve been to school events before where I’ve talked to people. It’s a hit or a miss. 

The point is… I’m tired but I have certain values I CANNOT compromise on. I don’t know where to go and I don’t want to be alone. I am speechless. 

I just want something secure and I’m willing to put the work in. 

Please. Tell me what to do.