Finding a solution
Maybye some of you here remember me. Probably not and I don't know if you can see my previous posts. Anyways long story short: Ever since my first relationship (and after the break up) I've been in a bad place. I've also posted a thread in the self harm section(don't worry, I'm past that for now). And I never could figure out just what the reason was. But I think I finally know it. Once I found a girlfriend I started "producing" love (I was never big on emotions) and I'm not able to stop even when she left. So now I'm still producing more and more, but there's nowhere for me to direct it to. The build up then caused me to think about hurting myself for a release or even just end it all. Right now I'm ok for some reason but I know I won't always be. So now that I know what the problem is. Can you help me find a way to release my feelings? (I've tried hitting a pillow and that doesn't seem to work) If I could only find someone that loved me the way I want to love them.
@sensitiveSugar8860 It seems like you have an immense amount of love to give someone and that is wonderful. I know when the time comes, you will find that individual who you are longing to find for yourself. I understand completely the feelings that you are experiencing and if I were in your shoes, I would maybe try working out at a gym or start to go running whenever these kind of feelings build up. Working out is a great way to relieve the intense feelings that might be building up inside. I hope this helps! Remain strong and know that I'm very proud of you!
@Sierra2018 I have been thinking of working out. And that probably would help... Sadly I must admit that I am very lazy....
Also I'm afraid that when I meet someone I'll overwhelm them or go too fast or something like that that will blow it
@sensitiveSugar8860
Oh dear! I thought i was reading about myself a minute ago.LOL Though we don't know each other personaly i can relate to what you are going through. And i'm glad that you are working on helping yourself, though sometimes help from people who love you at times is just all that we need, but we don't have that privilege, so it becomes so much harder just relying on ourselves all the time.
@Kate30 How did/do you manage all by yourself? Because for me it's getting harder and harder.
@sensitiveSugar8860
I'm not doing any better than you guys that's for sure 
. Have you read 2 of my threads here? You should so that you can understand my story. You know those kind people who you get to meet in your life time who is not family nor a close friend, but you get to know them, they treat you well, they are there for you just for a while and disappear. That is the kind of connection that i have manage to get and that is all i manage to get. And they share their stories with you. Some good some bad, some sad and happy. But for me, i can never share those kind of stories with anybody because i don't have that kind of life. That's called A LIFE. And then you sort of bump into them on FB or wherever, and see how happy they are even after those dark/sad moments they went through. So much of love in their life. And me my life remains the same. Even after 10 years, 15 or 20. Nothing much has changed.
@sensitiveSugar8860 Art always helps me especially poetry and writing. You could write love poems. :) Also performing and reading them out loud was a very therapeutic experience for me even though I have social anxiety. Or music or painting.
@sensitiveSugar8860 Also volunteering might be nice at local animal shelter or soup kitchen or something.
@Daydreamer47 I'm currently not really in a position where I can volunteer. But your Art suggestions sounds interesting. I'll think about something I could do in that field of life. Thank you very much for your help. With these suggestions I can prepare myself for the next wave of bad thoughts and I'm very thankful for that.
@sensitiveSugar8860
Those bad thoughts are too familiar. I feel like no matter how i try to get it out of my system write it down somewhere, push it away or ignore it, it always comes back. By the end of the week, it feel like you are suffercating, and the outside world people just gets on your nerves or treats you badly, it builds up, you try to be patient but it just ends up with tears, it feels like a damn just broke down and there goes the tears.
@Kate30 Only my tears never come. For some twisted reason my head goes straight to self-harm-mode and I can't stop or change it
@sensitiveSugar8860
You know what's strange? Sometimes my tears or any other good emotions don't come too, especially when i don't feel anything inside. I know i'm human and should have normal human emotions and function like a human (NOT A ROBOT) but i just f*cking don't!. (the swearing represents deep frustration, pain and hopelessness. I have a cold heart when it comes to other people and ofcourse it effects me in a very bad way.
It's like when you have love in your heart it shows, it comes out, it attracts love to you right? But when you feel numb, cold or nothing you attract that to yourself as well. It's obviuosly is NOT ok. The main cause of this is that of our upbringing. Just imagine being brought up by cold hearted parents. How do you think their children will turn out has adults? For some people they can overcome this, but for others being brought with coldness, it did not manage to trigger their human/emotion side, so it got blocked, even till adult hood.
So please don't harm yourself. You and i know it was never our fault that we are this way. I really want you to go through this without hurting yourself. At the same time i'm also really lost and am searching for how on earth am i suppose to feel anything all by myself. And all i get from others are toxidity or nothing at all (meaning nothing good positive energy/love from real people, but i can get this from secondary source like good people on youtube).