I don't know how to be social again
Hello, I'm sorry for such a long text, but I don't have anyone to talk to.
I used to be very social and outgoing, I had lots of friends. But some of them made comments about me, my behaviour and told me that maybe I should change and I listened to them. And basically I am not me anymore and I don't know how to be me again. I feel like I have lost myself years ago, I'm locked inside me and can't be me around other people.
They would say things like "Stop being so happy and cheerful all the time, it's annoying." or "Don't take it the wrong way, but the way you act can be overwhelming." or (when we would talk about our future and our dreams I would always say how I want to be the best and reach as high as possible in life) "You're not being realistic at all, that's never going to happen for you, you need to be more realistic, because otherwise people will not take you seriously."
I didn't really pay too much attention to their comments at first, but after this one time when one of my friends got a B from maths test and I got an A and she asked if she could see my test and I was like sure, take a look at it - I thought she wanted to know what the correct answers were, but no, she gave it back to me and said "I still don't get how it's possible, that you got a better mark than me". And just the way she said it made me think - do people think that I am stupid? I didn't want people to think that I was stupid. So I decided that maybe I should change the way I act and people will think of me differently.
So I started talking more quietly, stopped telling jokes all the time, started smiling a lot less etc. And I hated it, I started getting more and more sad, because I couldn't be me anymore. I started secretly hating on my friends, I always found a flaw about them and kept thinking about how I would tell them how horrible they are and how they should change, but I never did. I just gradually stopped hanging out with them, because I hated being around them, I felt so sad and unhappy.
So I was all alone, I didn't have any friends I would want to hang out with, so I closed off, I barely talked to anyone, I became really quiet - even one of my teachers noticed and asked me what's wrong, if there were any issues at home or at school, if I'm being abused or bullied. From this I'm assuming that the change in behavior that I made was very noticeable.
All these comments and remarks from my friends made me feel like no one really likes me (my actual personality) and it threw me back to when I was younger and bullied. I still managed to make friends then, but I felt very insecure about myself (I was bullied because of my appearance and it made me feel like I don't belong) and they made me feel like that again - and since then I still feel like that to this day.
I don't feel loveable or likeable, I just can't get past all the comments people made and still make regarding what I look like (when I was younger it was because of my skin color, when I got older people starting commenting on me being too thin - unattractive, flat-chested, saying that no man will ever want a girl like me and that's why I should put on weight). I don't even wear a bikini, all my swimwear are one-piece swimsuits. Same friend that told me, that I have no butt and no chest asked me why I'm wearing a one-piece like an old lady.
After all of these experiences I am unable to connect with people - I technically have friends, and I have a best friend, but I don't consider them my friends. I don't feel anything towards them. I constantly feel numb and like there's an invisible wall between me and the world, and I am on the other side and all I can do is observe. I wish I could talk freely again and be able to join or even start a conversation, but I can't. Everytime when I get the chance to be around people I tell myself how I'm going to act normal, but I can't, I can't talk to them because there is tiny little voice telling me that they don't want to talk to me, because I am annoying, boring, ugly, not worth anyones attention.
I am at Uni and I need to find a part-time job to support myself, but I don't even dare to send out my CV, because I can't talk, I don't know how to communicate and I hate it. I want to be the way I was before. I don't know what to do.
How can I be me again? How can I act and talk freely without fear? How do I connect with people? How can I fix my horrible messy life?
Excuse my English please, it's not my native tongue.
@optimisticApricot7215
Well first of all, for someone writing in their non native language, I would never have noticed as you're incredibly eloquent. And maybe that holds the key to your current situation. You apologise for your English when you have nothing to apologise for. Do you also feel the need to apologise for yourself?
It sounds like your confidence has been gradually chipped away over time, and you've had to become a reduced version of who you are. Quieter, less capable, less confident. You've reached that stage gradually over time, and in the same way it will take time to build that confidence and sense of self up again.
You know that little voice inside that puts you down? You don't have to listen to it, though it can be hard to ignore. Maybe start challenging it, questioning it a little. And as for not speaking up, great journeys start with a small step. So you can say it, what's on your mind.....you deserve to be heard, your opinions are valid. And once you've done it once, it'll never be as hard again.
So promise me.....no, actually, promise yourself.....no more apologising for being you. With a little self belief and courage, you can spread your wings and fly.
@BestIcanbe Thank you,
I actually was brave enough today to say my opinion in class. And even though I didn't quite formulate my thoughts the way I wanted to, I still said what was on my mind.
I do apologize and feel the need to apologize, because I don't want to bother anyone. (And as I am typing this I keep thinking why am I even replying, this person surely doesn't care that I was brave enough to speak (I'm sorry if that's the case). I just don't want to offend anyone, annoy anyone, bother anyone - because then someone might hate on me. (This sounds so stupid, but that's the reason why I keep apologizing)
@optimisticApricot7215
no matter how bad anything feels at this moment in time, it will always get better.
It may just be something very small to start with but it will, people care out your opinion more then you think.
@optimisticApricot7215
I do care that you spoke up.....in fact I'm delighted you did! Such a big step for you, and one you know you can do now, so do it again, and again, and oh go on, do it again :)
You know, some people do judge others in this world, it's a sad fact. But there are also a lot of truly lovely people who will just like you for being you. So please never feel the need to apologise for being you. Keep being brave, and one day you'll reach that happy state where you can sing like nobody's listening, dance like nobody's watching, and speak up knowing you're wonderful just as you are.