Just venting wanting to be seen and heard

45/M/USA

I have P.S.I along with some kinda mood disorder, p.t.s.d,general depression and social anxiety disorder and supposedly I have some forum of autism which i looked into because a friend suggested i might have undiagnosed adult autism, so found a psych who would test me for it and she said i have it, my psychatrist after i told her about it was like no that aint right, so who knows.

All I know is, in 2-3yrs I am going to sell my family home and a make a go at life. or at least in theory i am going to, in theory with all the research I am doing to start my own small business, I should have a decent to get my head above water and keep it there for a long time. reality is, I have an elderly dad who doesnt want me to move, and is going to call me the moment I lay foot on solid ground and tell me an emergency has come up with him or his wife and he needs me back, fracking  100% it is going to be the first thing to derail me, if not him constantly belly aching about how much he misses me after he did a lot to not be in my life as a child.

Do I have issues with my father.

what ever man.

I mask so much just to get by playing the la la la la i cant hear you game in my head to the never ending thoughts of how my life will always fail.

never ending thoughts of no matter how I try, I will always be single,

on and on.

Not enough meds in the universe to have me bright eyed and bushytailed so i can skip around in public like everyone else. There are plenty of psychadelic stuff,  But i am too poor for that.

and it is too risky with my mental health.