Long-term/Constant Isolation
Hi ..this is my first post on here. I just wanted to talk about something that I don't really talk about with anyone besides my therapist but I feel like I haven't been able to fully explain how I feel even then. I haven't had friends in years. The entirety of my high school experience I struggled with mental health and I didn't have a support system really or any friends throughout the whole thing. And I still don't really. I know everyone goes through being lonely but I don't see people talk about long-term loneliness, which makes me feel more isolated. It makes me feel like I don't understand people well and people don't understand me well even though I try so hard to put myself out there, show people who I am so they can open up to me too, but it hasn't been working. The more failures / rejections that add up the more and more it hurts because it's like they're just toppling on each other. And because I don't have a support system it's like I constantly don't have anyone to rely on except myself. I've been thinking this for a long time but something happened today that made me really realize how isolated and lonely I feel. A homeless person came into the place I work at asking for money, and I ended up giving some to him. I wanted to believe in honesty, and since I've felt like I've had no one to help me in the past, I didn't want him to feel like that. He said he felt hopeless all day because he wasn't getting much help and I could relate. When I handed him the money he even teared up, and I felt like crying too, because I wanted to make sure he didn't forget that people could be nice out there. Because in the past when I was going through the worst I wished that and it never happened. Turns out he scammed me and used the money for drugs. Im going to my manager about it so don't worry about the legal issues with this. It just hurts so much because I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a good person, no matter how much I try to believe kindness is out there, its shoved back at me in the worst way possible. I feel like such an idiot believing him but I just want to believe in hope. I've told others about this and they seem to focus on the money I lost, etc. And I get that is important but what hurts the most is that I enabled an addiction and that I was lied to when I just wanted to believe in something good for once. The world just seems so cruel I don't know how to feel anymore.
It sounds like you are very kind and have a lot to give. Don't feel bad about the homeless, those people are very very ill, they have severe mental and drug addiction. When you give a homeless money, you have to be prepared that he is going to spend it on whatever, including drugs. What he spend it on doesn't matter, what matters is the kindness of your gesture. Sometimes i give money to homeless and sometimes i don't. It depends on how i feel. If i feel really bad i will give them some bucks. If i see they are too scammer i won't. There's a lot of homeless where I live and if you say yes to everyone you will get bombarded all day. I've been lied to and scammed by homeless it happens to everyone. Take it as a lesson learned but don't feel bad about yourself even if he did scam you, that person is doing the best he knows how to survive. Remember the homeless are very sick. In his mind the drugs is all he needs to survive. As for u saying you don't have much friends i feel like you aren't coming across people that match your vibe. When you are around the right person then it will flow it won't feel awkward or weird. Are you scared of being comfortable in your own skin? Are you hiding something you think people are judging you on , that's why u isolated? Maybe you keep people at a distance because you're scared to get hurt and you know how kind you are . Maybe you needed that time of isolation to grow and reflect. I think when you become more authentic and comfortable with yourself you will be able to attract more people that vibe and mesh with you. Think about the type of people you want to attract and what qualities you want in friends and try to possess some of those qualities too. It will be comfortable and fun when you meet the right friend. Good luck! Don't be too hard on yourself