My lament

I just found this website because I've gone a little over the edge recently and I want to vent. If you are reading this and taking the time to listen to my problems, thank you. You are an angel. 

For the past few years, I've been trying to work on and better myself. I used to be very skinny and weak. I got mildly bullied because of this in grade school because I sucked at sports and gym class. I started going to the gym a while back and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I got stronger and I started a high protein diet. I got a bit bigger and and I feel physically better than ever. (I'm still kind of skinny and am still terrible at sports but Im making great progress) I also had a very hard time making friend in school. Younger me didn't know why which was very depressing. (I was most likely very annoying) I got so sick of it that I started watch comedy shows and try to learn how to be funny. I thought of I could make people laugh they would like me. Throughout this process I was still very depressed at a very young age. I was also homeschooled at this time. I changed schools eventually and the first year was rough. Same old same old no friends hard time fitting in. But for whatever reason my 8th grade year I cracked the code. I made people laugh all the time and I was the class clown. It was genuinely probably the happiest I ever was. I was making friends. When I got to high school people kind of separated into their own friend groups so I wasn't as outgoing but I was on great terms with everyone. 

So all this sounds great right? It was. I felt like I was getting somewhere. Besides the fact that I have so many faces I put on for different people I forgot where my own is. There is one thing I haven't told you yet. I want a girlfriend more than anything in the entire world. I don't want A girlfriend, I want THE girlfriend. I only want one for my entire life. The one. The one who makes life feel real again. Some days the only reason that I felt like getting up was because she might be out there. I know I'm kidding myself and I'll probably never find her but it's a wonderful thought, right? 

Anyways, I thought all of my work towards myself would eventually combine and help me find her. So imagine my surprise when my friend who recently got a girlfriend texted me that he wants to set me up with his girlfriend's friend. My heart stopped. This is my chance. I'm kind of socially awkward so bypassing the whole weird first part felt to good to be true. He sent me a picture of her and she was cute so I spent the next day struggling to take a picture of me to send back. I had one chance to take a picture that was make or break. I'm already self conscious about how I look so this was ***. Eventually I got tired and just sent one hoping for the best. I sent it and the first thing I heard was a jab at how I look. I won't go into the specifics but it was mild and, most importantly, it wasn't a no. I was ecstatic. I didn't get immediately rejected. Btw my friend says we would go on a double date. Him and his girlfriend, me and her.

I few days go by and I get a text from my friend. He says he met the girl I was getting set up with for the first time and finds out that she's not very excited to go. He sends me a text and says I should make up and excuse and back out. Very bro code. I was kind of crushed but he said I was dodging a bullet so whatever I'll get over it. The next day he basically says the exact opposite. He says that the only reason she's in town is for the date and wants to go. I'm very confused at this point of whether or not she's actually interested. But the risk-reward was to good I thought. I went on the date.

... It went fine. Kind of. It was my first date and I was kind of shy but so was she. She was on *** the whole time so she was out of it. I was funny and nice the whole time but I ended up just having a good time with my friend. I tried talking but I just got the sense that she wasn't at all interested. It ended and nothing happened. I learned that after I left she immediately started messaging another guy. I mean it can't be helped if she wasn't interested in the first place, but,

I feel crushed. I feel like I just missed my shot by a mile. When will I ever get another shot like this? I didn't have to go up and talk to her and slowly make my way to date. Everything was set up. Even if there was no reality where she was interested, I feel like I fumbled the best opportunity of my life. Look, my school is tiny. Everyone there is already dating someone from a different school. I also don't get out much and when I do, I feel awkward and lanky and I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. In the end, I'm tired of my work not paying off and I'm tired of being alone, hoping, waiting for the day when I meet the once in a lifetime soulmate. I dream of cooking for the love of my life and it crushes me when I wake up. 

I'm tired

Thank you for listening