Que large sigh

These are just feelings that overwhelm me sometimes, and for some reason signing up here makes me want to identifythem and let them out. The truth:

I am so lonely.

But I don't tell anyone that because they'll come over, and I like being alone.

I want more friends to hang out with, a friend like me who Ican call and hangout with anytime because chances are they're just as bored, in need of company, and have no concrete agenda. And they have no money, like me.

But I like being alone, because there is no responsibility, no need to perk up and perform, no need to speak or conversate, no need to empathize.This is also a bad thingbecause I don't know how to do any of that.

Another double-edged sword is people. They do one thing that rubs me the wrong way and I'm fighting a bad attitude for the whole day again, the same one I had to force dissipateso I could go out in the first place. It's hard to hide. I can't control my face.

I've been on the verge of crying and crying just sitting around and thinking, just driving somewhere, just walking around somewhere, just talking to someone. I think I'm full. I'm about to burst. Not with negativity like I feared, but with sadness. Some deep, unstoppable, wailing sadness and I can't get it out of my eyes or my throat, like it's tightly strained.