Starting to think I'll never have a close friend
As stoic as I try to be on the outside, I guess I'm more fragile than I look. I've been distancing myself from my friends for a while because talking to them takes so much energy, and to be honest, I don't think they miss me. There are times where I try to connect but I'll get late replies, responses I don't want to see, and just indifference in general. Most of the people I'm friends with like me, because well, I'm always afraid of being a bad friend and that people will think of me the same way I think of them - that I haven't really been a help to them, so I try to ask questions, make them talk more about themselves, be an active listener, basically someone I want to be treated like. But it's never the same. Why is opening up to people so hard? Not to mention me being socially anxious makes it hard for me to reach out to other people, and now I feel alone.
@Amariiiii
I’m the kind of person that likes honesty. I give it and I like to receive it. If I thought what you did of my friends, I would simply ask them outright because I believe in the importance of communication. But then again, you and I are different. I’m the recluse friend who doesn’t text or show up often. Of course, my friends all get that and they don’t mind. And it appears, that you’re a people pleaser friend who interacts to keep your friends happy. Honestly, if your friends aren’t giving you back the same energy or understanding of you, then they aren’t your friends. Sure you can still call them your friends but not your true friends. Seeking intimacy from them is pointless because you’ll just be left yearning and longing for something you’ll most likely never get or at least won’t get any time soon. My policy with friend making is that I keep the ones I click with, stay friends with the ones who are nice and match my energy (but I don’t pursue anything deeper), pursue the rare individual who interests you. A bit arrogant on my part perhaps but it works. I have a best friend who I’ve known for 6 years who knows practically everything about me and vice versa. We’re each other’s number one basically. Then there’s my lesser best friend who I’ve known for three years. I instantly clicked with my 6 year best friend and pursued my 3 year best friend because I had a good feeling about them. I was right, it seems. I have a group of lesser outer friends that I text somewhat often but mainly hangout with in person. We all interact seamlessly and I feel no pressure to change. Sometimes I’m quiet and withdrawn, they check on me and then leave me be. I ask for help when I need it. And other times I’m loud and outgoing and they take it in stride. Making friends takes practice, intuition, and trail and error. You’ll get there for sure. Hopefully this post did something for ya. Also, I’m open to being friends with you