Total Emptiness

I was born alone. Igrew up alone. I grew up afraid and hopeless. I'm now an old man , still alone, still afraid, still hopeless. That's my life, if you can call it a life. I am unable to feel positive things. In my work, people refer to me as an optimist. I don't try to hide my real feelings, I just believe that behaving positively is the best way to live. I can choose what I do and how I do it. But I seem unable to choose my feelings. My feelings aren't very negative, but they're always negative. Today was a sunny day. I know the blue sky is beautiful, but that is an idea, not a feeling. I petted two cats in the neighborhood, they hate each other - one even lunged at the other at one point - but I treat them the same. Though I know they are both cute in their own ways, I don't feel positive about them. They are stupid animals, nothing more. I am sure I could feel worse, for example if I lived in the middle of a war zone, but is it wrong to want to feel good, at least once in a while? Life is a total waste but there IS a bright side. Today is over so I am one step closer to the end...