Unwavering Feelings if Loneliness Always Validated
I'm 32, I've always been afraid of dying alone. No lover. No partner. No friends. I feel like I'm just too different. Oh, people find me sweet and tell me how good my 'energy' is. Yet, my best friends have mostly abandoned me when I needed them most. I have no one I feel I can completely confide in. I finally decided to give a man who had been pursuing me for a year a chance. Everything was going so great that we became exclusive quite quickly. I went away for work for just six weeks and I have no idea what happened, but even he who had tried and waited so long and who was happier than he'd ever been and said he would never leave me...broke up with me over email two and a half weeks before I'm meant to come home without even giving me a valid reason really...
everyone i meet either just uses me for advice or begs me to be in their life and then leaves...I'm starting to feel like life will never get better and be safe enough for me to relax and be myself...
@warmheartedHuman2014 That's so tough. I'm sorry. People can be so confusing and frustrating sometimes. I can understand something of how you feel because I've always had a hard time making friends and letting people in, too. It can feel awful when you give someone a chance and they end up disappointing you. Kind of makes it hard to want to do it again, right?
Being different is 'hard'. It makes it tough to 'find your people'. Those of us who don't fit the mold, whatever that is, seem to have to work harder to find people we can forge relationships (not just romantic) with. I totally get it.
I will say that you seem like a really good person and the nice thing about being 'different' is that when people do click with you, they really appreciate you. 'Different' often means 'interesting' - and 'interesting' and 'sweet', that's a winner.
It's OK to feel disappointed. I'm sorry it didn't work out with this man you were seeing. But relax. Hang in there. Never lose touch with the things that make you different - love them and others will too. You have lots of time for a happy ending. Lots. It's going to be OK. Trust me.
@BurkeDevlin aww. Thank you. Those were such sweet words. I'm trying to hold on. I was almost thinking this guy was 'the one'. He too is different and he seemed to be on a path of self growth, but the closer we got, the more he seemed to loose control of his emotions. I just wish I had one friend who I felt truly got me. I love my family, but I am totally different than them.
Thank you you again for your kind words xx
@warmheartedHuman2014 Hey, you're welcome! Sometimes another person just has some more growing to do, and they need to go in a different direction for a bit. Please don't take it to heart.
Keep on living life to the fullest, be yourself, and people will come along who'll love to hear your stories and laugh at all the funny parts. The tides of life sometimes sweep people away for some unfathomable reason, but they always bring new people in, too. And it all makes us wiser for the experience, if we're willing to learn.
Just have to keep the door open a little bit, if you can. I hope you can.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin thank you. I'm trying. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I am doing so much work on myself and that I am a loving person who tries to be understanding. But, it seems that I keep getting all the short ends of the sticks in life. If I'm doing something wrong, I'd like to know so I can stop doing it...but I don't even know what's going on right now...or where to meet people who are at my level if it's just a matter of me hanging around people who aren't ready...and it makes matters worse because my mom can't handle her own emotions and has closed herself off to them. So, I have no one in my life who I can count on for a shoulder to cry on. They all just tell me to suck it up and get over it...
@warmheartedHuman2014 "Suck it up and get over it?" Wow. I'm sorry about that, because you do not need that negativity. It really stinks that your mom can't be more supportive, either.
I know it's so hard to connect with people. It sounds like you've had some experiences where you've made an effort and it hasn't been returned, or you thought you could count on someone but couldn't. That's such a terribly embarrassing and disheartening experience, especially if you're a sensitive person (like me - and maybe you). It makes us feel burned and not want to try again - and maybe have a hard time crying on shoulders, even those that are offered to us.
I guess what I can say though, is, please don't take it to heart. I love your attitude when you say you're willing to work on yourself, but don't forget that everyone else is a work in progress, too. I tell ya, I'm 44 and in my long life, I've gotten to know maybe 5 people where I've thought, 'Wow, that person really has it figured out!'. Most of us are combustible cocktails of emotions and past scars (and hormones, sometimes), you know? It sometimes feels like we're all just out of control and crashing into and bouncing off of one another. I know I've drifted out of friends' orbits in the past - lovely people who did nothing wrong, just because some murky corner of my complicated mind needed something else at the time - or I wasn't capable of being who and what they needed just then.
People get scared or confused, and sometimes they turn away. And then others turn towards you. The trick is knowing which ones to open your arms to and, my friend, if I had a formula for that, I would be a wealthy man.
Geography and culture can be a part of it, too. I've been in places where I had a lot in common with people around me, and in places where that wasn't true - and it's hard even with good people, even very good people, to make those connections when you just don't see the world the same way or have the same interests, education level, sense of humor, and so forth. You are so young - if you've ever thought you wanted to give someplace else a try, now is totally the time. I did that in my 20s, and in a life filled with mistakes and self-defeating behavior, that may have been the smartest decision I ever made.
You think and feel deeply and you're willing to grow. Congratulations! You will continue to attract people, as you always have, and you will get better at filtering out the negative ones, and some of them - your people - are going to stick. You won't always feel alone. Promise. Keep your heart open for awhile.
@BurkeDevlin thank you so much for your kind words. I've really needed it today. I don't know why, but today has been such a hard day for me dealing with this break up.
I don't know what to believe. Some people say he cheated or found someone else. I asked him but then people say he would lie anyway. He said no, but then kind of accused me of cheating. I know he has many issues he is dealing with himself and I wasn't afraid to be there as he tried to work through them. He had been honest with me about a few. I feel like he wasn't as willing as I was to be there for someone when they are going through things. Or maybe he was afraid to let me see him like that. I don't k ow what the truth is...he finally won my heart and I was feeling safe enough to just collapse in his arms and then he acted out. All I ever wanted to do was get to a point where we could love each other unabashedly.
I would like to live somewhere else. But I have been working on. Cruise ships for ten years and lived in England for a couple with another ex. I just want land now for a while. I had already gotten the ball rolling with contacts in my home state before the break up happened. I will see what happens there in the next year.
I just wish I could focus right now. I think it's because I am getting closer to the date we were supposed to reunite...
@warmheartedHuman2014
Wow, when I said you had a lot of interesting stories to tell, I didn't know the half of it, did I? I'm getting motion sickness just reading the sentence about working on a cruise ship for 10 years - to think I grew up wanting to be an astronaut. I hope your home state is a place that's constructive for you to be.
Oh boy, relationships are such a bear, aren't they? Nothing can churn your guts up like getting your heart set on someone and then having it all go wrong for some reason you can't understand. I'm the world's least expert person on relationships, but doesn't it really seem like there's got to be a better way to do it?
I really admire the guts it took for you to let someone into your heart and life. You should admire that, too. So very many people live without the courage to give love a chance. I respect you for realizing it was not a perfect situation and taking a shot at it anyway. Maybe he was afraid. Maybe he has some demons yet to conquer. Maybe he just isn't ready to love unabashedly. Loving unabashedly is hard. None of that means he's a bad guy. Just maybe not the right guy at the right time. It sounds like he won a great lady's heart and wasn't sure what to do next or how to handle it - unfortunately, that sometimes happens.
It's OK to be sad. It's OK not to be able to focus. Let it out if you need to. Cry if it helps. Take long walks. Watch funny movies (or sad movies). Rest assured that this experience will serve you well the next time love comes around.
Above all else, keep your head up and be awesome. Don't lose that courage, and your heart will find a safe place.
I'm glad to have been helpful, thanks for saying so. Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin you have been very helpful. :)
yes, my life has been such a whirlwind these past ten years. I was sure he would be the calm in all of this since he was so patient all this time and a nice guy to have as a friend when I needed one.
My home state isn't the most constructive for me to be in as I've last most of my friends there in the past ten years. This guy helped me see the sun in a place I once only saw clouds. I was looking forward to him showing me more of the thing I'd missed as a child.
But maybe you are right. It will help me to feel that he did mean those things he said when he said them. That they weren't just lines. I think you may be right about him being afraid. He told me once before I left that I was making the thing in his chest feel things he wasn't used to. I do hope we get another chance when he is ready and I hope he never thought I would judge him for his demons. I was falling in love with him and it's hard for me to just forget about those feelings because of the kind of person I am. If nothing else, i would like us to be able to be friends again one day...It always felt good to know that I could see him when I came home between contracts.
Good night to you. I will try not to think about missing his hugs tonight.
Sleep well!