if i'm suffering this is why

I feel like what I have in me is a terminal condition that will be the end of me when it happens or how it happens I dont know but i feel it killing me every day.
Im writing a document of whats going on in my head in case, I dont want media to misinform people or push agendas when it happens.
I feel it killing me
every time I cant sleep,
every time I lock myself in the bathroom to punch myself in the face with loud music masking the blows,
every time I pretend someone is talking to me when in reality is in the park alone like a crazy person watching all the happy couples around me,
I dont get angry when I see them I get depressed,
I watch asmr videos, mostly the kind where it is a person pretending to love you while I hold a pillow to my chest and cry wishing it was all real…
I want help and dont even know how to pursue it, I tried finding a therapist or something but its too expensive and when I was willing to pay the only doctor near me she said she wasnt excepting new patients.
most days Im completely zombified with a depression that just makes me absolutely numb, hitting myself is the only thing that will even allow me too well with tears,
I remember a time years ago when I could feel emotion but now… I just dont feel anything, iv been told its an anhedonic state…
I just dont know what to do and every day I get more and mroe scared of myself and when I could snap on myself when I cant take it anymore. when I feel its enough ill release the document.

the reason it makes me depressed is simply this, it robs me of conventional interactions that normally oriented people share every day, their chances are endless and there are so many options for them.I have had women pursue me before but I rejected them outright because I knew my sexuality would eventually make them upset or bored with me… I feel like I cant be happy alone and the only thing that has ever made me feel alive was just being with someone. co-dependancy is so controlling… A woman I met on here fell in love with me and I swear everything was amazing, trees looked more colorful everything had a purpose and I had a reason to wake up in the morning when I worked all day it was so I could save every penny to see her someday. it was all taken away from me after almost half a year of us knowing each other when she randomly said she didnt feel anything for me and that managing me was like managing a child… I loved her with all my heart she was my first love and with a single round of texts, all my lifes purpose and meaning were reduced to nothing. the break up wasnt what caused my self-destruction this had been going on for years, I would go to the park only to watch couples and talk to myself pretending I was there with my own special someone, it just hurts… I grew up fatherless and this feels like watching all the kids with happy full families… sometimes I sit in bed and try not to breath so I can just imagine what its like to slip away and never wake up again, death scares me but at the same time it is the only thing I have to wonder about because the agonizing misery that is my lonely life is a certainty, death is the only adventure I have to look forward to anymore and it comes closer every day
is an illness that will take me like a cancer and when or how my demise will happen I dont know of, as a child I was always happy I loved my mom but craved a conventional p bringing ((father and dad household) growing up a bit slow I thought all there was were moms and seeing happy families on tv and in movies always depressed me eve as a young boy... it gave me this sense of alone'ness and when I wold go outside I would see moms and dads walking around together jsut so happy enjoying life happy just to have eahother and I wanted that too. at the time my mom was a drunk and she would leave the house for long hours sometimes ot even showing up until the next day in my 2 adolescense, I was always sucluded from others growing up and never knew how to soialize with people normally, in school I would be beaten and abused verbally and physicly I was first uick to put myself in the frontground to make friends then as years whent on I just felt like being alone was safer and then I sort of liked being alone because then no one could call me names or hit me. when I began school in new orleans I would be put in detentions for reasons I didnt know at first I hated it then I began to prefer it because the private area of the cafeteria was a safe quiet place for me were no one could mess with me, eventually my teacher visited my mom which i had no clue was to happen were they had decided that I dont know what im doing wrong so they wouldnt put me away anymore. this made things worse as all the kids now had access to hit me and bully me which caused me to crack to the point I couldnt function in school, i would cry on the way to school every day. once I was out of school I kind of did nothing and no one wanted to push me to do anything acedemicly I was intelectually stagnant with no friends until I met my best friend duncan who I was introduced to, all my friends were introduced to me I have never made them myself. at first his mom was very suspicious of me being a bad influence for him then they soon came close to me and my family for almost ten years until they moved out of state, I wasnt sure what to feel when they left, I wasnt sad I just didnt feel anything,it wasnt always like that though I remember when I could feel emotions like a human, at the age of seventeen is when my depression started it wasnt set in and was more confusion than anything else I felt like there was a hole missing and I never knew what it was until I met my first love online,meeting emi was one of the greatest things I ever felt,t was like nothing I had experienced before I never knew a person could make you feel like you were living and had purpous, every day had meaning to me, when i would work it was so I could have money to save so we could meet one day I would even sleep so I could wake up when she was up, I was just so happy until I found out she was having an affair... I had never had felt something that hurt so much that didnt cause me bodily harm since my step dad left when she had left all I could do was cry and look at out messages just remembering all the things we would say to eachother... it was a dark time, until she came back into my life, I felt happy but not like before then she would continue cheating and coming back as many times as I would allow her to which was many tiems, each time i just felt less and less emotionally connected, soon she never turned up again and I was alone for many years romanticly, I would spend most days laying around just kind of zoned out in thoughts just thinking, I tried looking for friends online reaching out some time when i was very desperate for contact, I had come to realize I would scheme to find partners at some point not even to know a person but just so I could feel the way emi made me feel again, jsut to have some one care about me or how I was. I was having no luck and came to the conclusion that only a retard would love me so i paid over 60 dollars for a membership to a mentally handicapped dating site with no luck.... then I hheard that japanese people are lonely and tried to go to japanese sites to make friend and no lucky... I then came to find my orientation as an asexual and tried some asexual dating sites and found my second love, she was amazing and made me feel even more special than ami we would talk all day and night and sh would alway call me sweet names and we would talk about out future, things seemed amazing until she started school again and she told me she just didnt feel anything for me all of the sudden, it devistated me and she said she wanted to be friends but she would talk less and less until she vanished... I still had her adresss and to this day I still send her gifts and cards every holiday... she never responds. this is when the numbness set in... I would go to the park after work or in my off time and just sit at the most secluded area and just watch the water for hours, I then found out about tulpas and trid to make my own based on my seconds lover.... I would do hours of guided meditation with no results this is what caused me to start talking to myself almost to the point of becoming uncontrollable.... I would call myself names when I was alone and rock back and forth for comfort and the swelling I felt in my heart just heart so much I couldnt stop hyper venthilating... this is a ritual that happens almsot weekly, and when I was so numb I could feel nothing I would lock myself away in the bathroom and punch myself over and over in the face so i could jsut feel anything. I would stay up for days just watching my inboxes hoping one day she would come bac but with no luck..... y heart just hurts so much and so much of my energy has been alocated into restlessness and depression most days its hard to get up at all and perform basic tasks.... I just felt like i couldnt do anything and still dont. I just dont know what to do at this point and think about death daily and sometimes suicide comes to mind but im to scared to do it. I felt like this parasite was suckign the life force out of me and would sometimes writhe on the floor or in my bed or just stare into space until some one forced me to do anything... im to scared to talk about the anger or sadness I feel so I began making seemingly random posts on facebook with the hidden meaning for how i felt inside so it was like I was saying what I really meant though no one could ever understand.
the picnic ritual
I would try hard synthisize the feeling of close intimate
love in a sense and broke down and started out buying a few snack items 2 drinks and 2 snacks, the idea was that buying these things could allow me to pretend that was with a friend or maybe a lover who would go have a picnic with me, I would find a secluded spot in the park and and lay out the snacks and drinks one for me one for the friend ""
I would start by forcign a conversation with myself and try to create a character that was lovign and caring until I felt the warmth you get when some one tells you
they like you... I would continue to pull this delusion over myself until the park closed some times and when I had to leave or stop I just elt so empty and would walk home crying almost every time, I spend most of my time at the park watching couples wondering how could so many people get lucky enough to have some one of their very own.
this level of talking to myself would continue for months and I would find myself talking to this character in torubling times when I felt sad or alone.

the restless nights
Most of my day's are empty i feel like with my state of depression it is hard to feel meaning in anything yet at the same time I feel myself wanting to pursue knowledge and intimacy
this leads me to stay up most nights browsing dating sites and trying to prey on people who
are vulnerable and easy to induct into a relationship. atleast one I think are in an easily apraochable state...
It is so hard to sleep even for a few hours when all you want is your sufering to end...
and when I do sleep it is usually on my off nights and I can lay in bed for maybe hours or whole day's just unable to find the motivation to do anything at all.
It hurts it really hurts to feel days/months/years all slip buy in a blink because the pain is so controlling.

I wasnt allways like the way I am
As a child I was very well actualized maybe even to much so, I had so many idea's for what i wanted for myself in the future I wasnted to own a gun shop, be a fire man, or maybe be a psychiatrist. I feel as though bits of emerging depression came out in school were I had the hardest time. I have a learning disability and autism, as a result no one really wanted to talk to me and the only people who had interactions with me are those who wanted to hurt me by calling me names or causing violence to me, all of which teachers did nothing about even when I talked about it to them... It got to the point were every single day I was breaking down crying as I walked to school or before school...
it was so hard to focus in class when all you have are demons making your life a living hell
at first I was very angry , I would draw my school and everyone being tortured by horrible demons . I began to talk to myself and started socializing with objects. I had always seen people not so sane either in person or in movies talking to themselves and I always found the idea of a personal companion that was to be only yours fascinating and I envied that as a person with no friends in school. I would talk to spoons and I would have very disjointed conversations with myself as I waited for the bus. I was finally pulled from school
were I stagnated and did nothing for many year's having the only grade I ever passed being third grade made things hard... I would get intense anxiety anytime the thought of math popped up even simple math, i would start to turn red and sweat if some one asked me to give them change for something... I feared conversation hoping to god I would never have to answer a math question... people who knew my limited knowledge would use it to bully me and tease me. I would mostly play video games none stop for some years being that there was nothing I could do... It was around this time emptiness began to set in I wasnt as depressed as I was now but thinking back it creeped onto me so slowly... and about the time I was seventeen was the time were I acknowledged what that feeling was and explored ways to fill that hole, I played online with the idea of role played parents in secondlife and that wasnt enough I then went on to meet my first love which I talked about in the above paragraph after she eventually left me I knew exactly what I needed to fill this dark place, I needed love. when I had it I felt absolutely normal all my asperations came back and I just felt new , experiencing love was one of the best sensations I had ever known and from then on is were I began to pursue a companion to avail... I know that all of my depression comes from lonliness and I know once I find that person things will be like they used to be and I can finally live my life the way I want and not be raped day in and day out by the depression that has plagued me since I was a small boy...

my writings on sites were I vent about how I feel
I have suffered from loneliness for a long time... I have explained in previous blog's to what extent this crippling pain is like

but what has it made me do? At first when I started becoming desperate for companionship I heard Japanese people were very lonely so I nstalled a translator and went to Japanese only sites trying to get some one who was just as desperate as I was to talk to me or to cling to me.. I tried this with several other nationalities hoping some one clingy and desperate would latch to me but it failed, Then it got stranger... I looked to autistic/disabled match making sites thinking that maybe only some one who was not very smart would become obsessed with me but I failed again and lost 60 dollars in online membership fees to this website... THEN IT GOT EVEN MORE NAFARIOUS, I schemed to make friends or to make people like me... And the worst thing that ever popped into my head was... "Maybe some one very young and easy to impress would latch to me?" SO I found this anime chat room and at the time this 16 year old girl instantaneously messaged me and we were playing games together almost every day. I felt very happy more happy than I had ever been. Then my plan was to indoctrinate her slowly making her more and more co-dependent on me, I bought her teddy bears off ebay and she loved them so much she even took a pictue wit them. I felt very wrong but this pain I had was so controlling and it made me feel so good just to have some one who messaged me and made me feel like I wasn't dead... I felt like if I just kept grooming her She would want to be with me when she was of age.. I felt wrong later on and stopped talkign as much as my depression got bad , She still talks to me but not as much.. This next thign i dont not consider to be as wierd but it deffinatley has been the most telling of just how desperate lonliness can be.. Every time I got to work in the morning when i get off I leave with 2 cups 2 sets of plastic silverwear peach tea and maybe a snack of some kind I would find a part in the park with no one in it were i could set the cups out fillt them and poor the snack out into 2 piles like there was soem one else to eat and drink with me I would start talkign to myself like some one I had always wanted to be there was sitting by me enjoyign out picnik some times it feels very good and i even smile with what the imaginary friend would say to me but if i lost concentration i would realsie i was just alone and break down... This trend has been going on for almost a year of me talkign to myself in the park with a fake picnik there... Then the last month or so I have been playing these asmr tapes and talkign to them. If i look away fromt he seat and just look forward its like some one is there who cares for me this is the video i watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vpsrbKIghc&t=18s

she has other videos liek this were she tries to make thigns better but sometiems I get really into talking to her and when the video stops I just plant my face in the table thhat i sit at and just cry, soemtiems ill stay there for 5 hours just talkign to myself and watching the other people there who go to the park. some of them are ugly some are pretty but they all have some one with them no matter wo they are there so pretty thy have a gift and soem of them take it for granted i feel this so deeply.. They have a person who wills tand by there side who cares about them always soemtiems i get cought up repeaing that to myself "there so pretty there so pretty" And watch them all with those special people there with it hurts it really does and i dont know what to do about it, this pain is so controlling and i feel like its the person i am that will leave me alone till i die, I am asexual. you can say they exist but the matter of fact is no one wants anythign to do with you if you cant give them soemthing or if you cant take soemthing from some one else and i cant do that Im just who I am and maybe im jsut meant to die alone, I thin though its sad if i died with no one, no one would have to miss me

I want to express how heavily loneliness effects me... There are times when people leave and I will sit there in my room just looking into the wall like a doll with lifeless eye's I hate being alone I sit there and try to talk to things that aren't there I sit there and wish I was special to some one. I sit there wishing i belonged to something that gave me purpose. the only friends I ever had are leaving my town and country and i just feel like I will never make friends again ill just sit here and try to create my own in my head ((tulpa's)) And it does not help that I am an a-sexual... I have a very twisted and sad view on sexual relationships . it just seems as though if you arent taking anything or giving anything you are worth nothing to anyone and i think if there is some one you love with nothing to gain thats the kind of relationship that lasts forever. I dont even know why im typing here right now it never proves usefull and no one reaches out to me . I think im the kind of person who would join a cult.. I feel like i have no value to anyone and i want to be special like i have soem meaning to anything.

I hope that if you dont understand how crushing it can be to be alone that you maybe learned something from my expierience

sometimes ill wake up and try to just stay in bed and shut off all my sences just wandering how amazing it would be to not be conciously myserable, I think the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is fear,
I think of how I would do it or what would be the most painless way but it all scares me so much but I feel like if it happened i just wouldnt be able to control myself I would just snap one day. I dont know if I want to be concious in an after life, If I died I wouldnt want to know anything I just want to be nothing at all so I can finally escape my mysery.

So about a week ago 7 days before my 24th birthday I tried to find mental help and found some one who I had a lot of hope in with helping me. I was excited to meet some one who was specilized in helping people with my problems. then the day of our appointment she tells me the price is a hundred dollars... this seems like a small amount of money to self dependant adult but for me this is a fortune... if I spent that kind of money I would have nothing left... I pleaded with her to pleas elet me pay on a sliding scale and she had no remorse for what I was going through or how badly I needed her... she just didnt care and told me "good luck" I just have no fucking clue what to do I just need help and dont know were to look...

[edited for content, much lov ~bunnypants <3]