i need help

i always had this feeling that i always came 2nd... maybe even lower. That i wasnt the priority, the so called 'favourite person' to anyone. Yes, i did have friends. But they all just seem to have their own best friends. i feel like if i was in a burning house and all my friends had a choice to save me or their other friends, not a single one will choose me.

its always im their best friend UNTIL their actual best friend shows up. and seeing my own best friends having greater friends than me pains me. i know they will never be as excited to see me, they will never talk about me like they talk about them, i will always be the backup plan. The friend they call when none of their other friends can hang out.

i will never be someones 1st. Not even in my family, my own house. No body will ever talk about me to their other friends. noone ever got me a rwal toughtful gift without me hinting at it. no one remembers my favourite stuff. I always text first, i always respond immedietly and end up ledt on delivered for hours.

because of it i cant sleep, i cant get myself to. Im scrolling on *** whole night, just watching depressing videos one after another, waiting for 1 of my friends to reply.

its so bad that the mere fact of my intial not being in my friends bio makes me sad. Makes me think, if i was enough for them. just the fact that they are in my bio, and i aint in theirs.

theres that thought always lurking in my head while im asking any of them to hangout with me. that thouggt that 'You are forcing them into this... while they do it willingly with someone else"

just recently ive been begging my friend to go out with me. because i didnt lesve my house, besides attending school, for months. They said they are busy, and later on decided to tell me how they cant wait to go out with someone they met 3 days ago.

i hate it when my friends talk about other people. it makes me feel so unloved because i know no one is speaking that way of me. because i believe no one ever will.

on top of that i miss my old friends. My friend who i just split ways with, my friend who commited suicide, my friend who just randomly dissapeared. But i had this feeling, that i was their no.1 and they were mine too. Now everything pains me when i see something that reminds me of them. And i just want them back so bad.

and you, you, my still best friend, my grestest ever friend. we split our ways. u went right i went left. you found new friends and replaced me, which i dont mind. but i want you to knkw that i still visit our dms. i still rewatch videos of us playing games. i still remember how we met. your favourite food, color... i miss you man. and i wish that my words could explain how much i do, but sadly they cant.

i am quite popular on a server with about 15k members. basically everyone knows me. i have many friends. but not a single one would choosr me first.

i will never feel loved like that again. the fact that i cant replay moments with my bestest friends kills me. the fact that things will never be the same again. make me think i will never find better friends.

i always used to say im lonely, but right now i am trurly lonely. Ive got no one to talk to about this so i talked with my claude ai. It recomended me this site and here i am. Writing this in hope i will find a solution from this dispair.