Being there for someone with Depression...any help welcome
Hello,
This is my first time EVER posting in a forum, but I'm trying to learn that it's OKAY to seek help, so here goes nothing....
I was in a relationship for almost 5 years. They were mostly wonderful, but when the stagnancy kicked in, so did the health of it.
He was always the knight in shining armor. Always took care of me, and bent over backwards over others. There were many times I always asked him, "What about you?", and he'd replied, "As long as your happy, I'm happy too." He was a social drinker that would never be aware of his limits, especially his friends. We fought over this-me over his safety, him telling me that I should loosen up and trust him. He eventually got a DUI, and it affected him It was around this time I saw the once happy, sweet, caring guy, slip away. He got irritable, looked miserable at times, but still didn't want to share. It was taking a toll, I Knew something was wrong, but too comfortable to say something.
Finally, it all blew over. A month before our anniversary, he announced how he found a place to move in ASAP, since he never had the experience before. He went on how he feels embarrassed and ashamed how he feels like there's a lot of things he didn't accomplished in life, and hated himself. It blew over, and it was then I found out that night he got a DUI, he cheated on me. My world was broken.
Over time we talked (and still do), and figure out ourselves, and then to each other. He kept talking about having a "dark cloud" always lingering, his head always in untangled Christmas lights, but acted a facade that everything was A OK. I knew it's not. His friends knew something was up, but he doesn't want to open up. He tried to initially see a counselor, but he didn't click with him, and the counselor thought nothing was wrong, and kept sliding him down in frequency to the point where it's been a couple of months since he went in. It got to the point where I roped in couples counseling, after he blurted out to me that he has depression, and harbored it for so long because He feels like a burden to everyone.
I've seen his panic/depressive episodes come out, and I try really hard not to let it get it me: when it happens, he questions what if our work in couples counseling will fail, if he'll ever feel okay or himself again, not sure if he'll ever get back to the man he used to be more me because of what he did to me, how he hates himself and will never forgive himself, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life...it's all too much.
I want to be there for him as best as I can, while remembering my own limits and self care first (I'm in weekly counseling myself with anxiety issues). He finally acknowledged that its affected his daily life, and has reached out to a few potential new therapists. Any advice would be helpful.....he said several times when these panic outbursts happen he doesn't want to lose me but feels stuck....I'm trying to be there for him while managing my Anxiety. I apologize for the long winded post, but anything would help at this point.....
I forgot to also mention, he has a very hard time ironing up , and tried to push me away several times when trying to open up, oout of fear he'll hurt and burden me....
@niceScarf143
@niceScarf143. This is my husband
*hugs*....at least we're not alone in this. Sending out thoughts and positive vibes to you as well.
Hey,
your friend seems to be a lot like me especially with pushing away everyone because of the thought that he is a burden and I don't know everything so I can't be sure but I do wanna try and help so I will try and say what would help for me personally.
i don't know him but I wouldn't be surprised if he will quickly think that you are helping him because he thinks that you think it's your job , what I'm trying to say is that for example if you would ask something like : "how are you doing today?" , he will probably think that you feel required to say so.
what I would do is try and make it blend in the conversation or basically include your self in it and not making it feel like a one way conversation by for example adding something to compare with , it's really hard to think of examples but if you say something like : "today I felt really worthless while my boss .... , how do you deal with it?" It's making him feel like he is helping you and it's a lot easier to open up even if you don't really need help.
something else that might help is since he already feels pretty worthless you should maybe try and act as normal as possible because treating him like a fragile human is probably going to cause him to think that his thoughts are right or something like that. When in public don't try and shield him from anything unless you really notice he can't handle it then you can always find a subtle solution to leave and don't let him think it's because of him because that only makes him feel more like a burden , something like feeling nausea and ask him if you wants to join you or stay leaving him in control.
Stuff he should try is make appointments and promises as much as possible and least that is what helps for me , it's way easier to say yes a week before the event then the moment it self and for me at least the fear of what people will think of me when I don't follow up on promises and the quilt usually wins from the not wanting todo anything and fear of going outside but that might be different for him and you can of course help him with this.
and just acting like you want him there with you like he contributing and adding something to your life.
It may seem sometimes like I'm saying you are doing something wrong but that is certainly not the case it's just sometimes I have trouble finding the right words to get my point across since English isn't my first language.
it will probably not be anything life changing or special but I recognized way to much in his behavior I would feel bad to not at least try , and sorry for the long post.
Joost
No no don't apologize at all!! Any help is appreciated.
And I Understand what you're saying. Try to incorporate asking how he feels in a conversation rather than directly-it's much more easier to transition and for him to open up.
And it's hard for him to make appointments with me sometimes. He feels guilty sometimes, and has been trying hard to see the bright side of things. I hope his new counselor will click with him better than the last, and it will make him feel more comfortable to open up. In gonna try...but really thank you so much for opening up.....any thing and everything to help me understand
It's going to make him uncomfortable probably but you could instead assume you agrees on meeting and just instantly discussing times , if he really doesn't want it he will say so and if he is anything like me he probably shuts more people out then you just say you miss hanging out with him but yeah I don't know
Joost
*Assume he agrees
and just don't give up , he is probebly looking like me for reasons to justify his thoughts that he is a burden and also probebly very skeptical about anything that says he is not for example he will probebly think that most compliments are said only to try and make him feel better so instead I think I would be not to overly positive but give advice however depending on the thing you can try and convince him he is great and maybe better then .... But just not perfect because he thinks he is not perfect so that will just not register I think
No no it makes more sense. We do have a day we meet up per week to hang out and spend time, as well as our weekly counseling sessions (which are something of another post of itself), but I can see it helps him sometimes.
No no it makes more sense. We do have a day we meet up per week to hang out and spend time, as well as our weekly counseling sessions (which are something of another post of itself), but I can see it helps him sometimes.
It's going to make him uncomfortable probably but you could instead assume you agrees on meeting and just instantly discussing times , if he really doesn't want it he will say so and if he is anything like me he probably shuts more people out then you just say you miss hanging out with him but yeah I don't know
Joost
you need to take care of your self frest exspecailly since he cheated on you. that was not right. my boy friend of 15 years broke up with me on face book. and didnt tell me why. he just put singoil on his face book page. sorry about my spelling i have specail neeeds. but i also suffer saver angziuty and depression. but i duffentlly put my self frest.
@jenniferlobsinger77 i definitely have been...and I will admit it's a struggle. There are bouts in anger I go through sometimes, but in the end I decided to forgive him, because I'll never get to move on with my life. It's easier said than done, but I have to remind myself ME. FIRST.