I hate myself, I hate the way i am, i hate everything

This might be a very long message but i hope you can invest time to listen about my problem coz i just feel so bad about everything.

I have had so many issues and i even don't know how and where to start but i'll try my best coz i really need someone to talk with. I'm just afraid to tell my problems to others because i fear they will judge me. They might think im overacting. Also please bear with my grammar, language coz i am not a native English speaker. Sorry also for i may not be able to organize this because im not really good at talking with people emotionally. I really hope i could be able to express this properly

I don't even know if i'm actually depressed or im just being too overacting or emotional or is it just because of adolescence because im not actually diagnosed by a psychologist or anything. Before anything else also, i just want to say in advance sorry if my tone is somewhat inappropriate because it is also one of my issues im dealing with like being insensitive, bitter and too sarcastic sometimes and im not good at expressing my own emotions and feelings even socializing with people. Let me just describe myself first and give a little background of my life. Im 17 years old from the Philippines. I have an older brother and a mother and my dad passed away 4 years ago. People will see me often see me as a very happy probably because i have a sense of humour. I joke very often and they find me funny at school which also might be the reason why they will probably never believe me if i tell them have this depression.

I think this depression of mine just started recently when i enter senior year (Grade 11). It makes me wonder though why i feel this way coz i think im so blessed. I have a financially stable, loving and caring family despite the death of my father. I can say also that i am intelligent, academically inclined because of my achievements in school. Others would say too. They said i'm handsome and i look like a foreigner (In the Philippines, people who have qualities like an American such as white and has freckles considered attractive). I remembered also a classmate of mine telling me im a total package since i have this look, intelligent and they even considered me as rich. He even told me that he is jealous. Despite all of these, im not happy. I think i should start enumerating my issues specifically.

1. Being skinny

Though i stated above i am handsome and most people would agree also, i still have these imperfections and insecurities that mostly bothered me all the time. I'm a skinny tall person and labeled as underweight in our school with a BMI 16 knowing that 18.5 is normal for males. Everytime i woke up in the morning i have this habit of measuring my arms like holding it like im really anxious that i might be losing weight too fast. I think this is because i am a picky eater. I just hate vegetables especially those green ones. I don't know why, i tried to eat but i just can't swallow them, i dont understand why they enjoy eating those. One factor also may be lack of exercise. Ever since i was a child, joysticks and computer games interest me a lot which might have caused my lack of interest of physical activities. Even now i spend most of my time sitting in my chair with my laptop Being too skinny and have no interest about sports is too unmasculine. I know most girls hate effeminate men. I wonder why some people would admire me that much? maybe because of my face but i can't seem to be thankful about it. Im not happy. What really bothers me is that what if i die so soon? though i don't drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or any bad vices, i still have a bad lifestyle. i am suffering from UTI and fever often also because i don't drink enough water also. I want to live longer. Ironically, im having suicidal thoughts.

2. Hair Loss

While having a skinny body, one thing also bothered me is my hair. I'm only 17 and My hair starts to thin recently especially at my temples. My hairline is receding. The distance between my eyebrow and my hairline is about 3 inches. That is why i prefer not to have a haircut because it makes the hairline so clear and visible. I suspected that this hair thinning is caused by stress and depression. Knowing the fact that my hair is thinning because of this it made my stress and depression even worse Im really afraid im going to be bald soon. I don't want it to happen very soon. Everytime i see someone with thick hair, i feel so jealous. Even my brother got thick hair and why the hell do i have this thin hair? Im afraid i became so ugly and unattractive if some point of my life soon i will be bald and no woman would love me.

3. Insensitive.

If some people hate me because of my undesirable qualities, i hate myself more!! One of which is being insensitive to other's feelings. I have this classmate of mine who has obviously has a crush with me. my classmates tease us almost everyday and i really hate teasing that way. I act like im okay with that, and even blushing (embarrassment) but deep inside im annoyed. I could have shouted "I don't like her!" but i still have my temper under control. She message me often on messenger and mostly i ignore her but sometimes i still have conscience i just replied her but pretty straightforward. I even made her cry because one time she was dared by one of her friends to post a picture of mine as her profile picture on facebook. After i found out i throw lots of bad words at her. I just hate posting pictures of mine. I hate selfies. My current profile picture is 3 years old and it was me but i am facing against the camera I just don't like her. She is not my type. Also to my relatives, i also made my mother and aunt cry because i am a defiant person and im always answering them in a sarcastic manner. And the worst thing is, i don't feel any regret or guilt about it. Even seeing people who lost someone they love, i can't seem to feel any sympathy for them. Seeing people dying in movies won't affect me. There is an exception though, seeing animals dying especially cats and dogs will literally make me sad and even cry. I don't know why. Hachiko movie made me cry like a baby. Im so insensitive and get upset easily. I just feel this way, i can't control it. The worst thing is i can't feel the love of my mother. I get upset with her most of time. I know that she raised and feed me. I know she loves me more than herself. But really can't feel it as others would do. I think this is because both my parents have jobs and they don't really have much time with me. In fact, i am not so comfortable around them. I can't even hug or cuddle with them or even saying i love you. i feel awkwardness.

4. Being Lazy

Whenever my mom asks for something not too heavy for me to do especially household chores, i get upset with her and just argue with some alibis but if i do her request, i do it but it is against my will. I murmur and complain everything. I can't control being upset and i can't fake it. I just feel that way. In school, i don't jot down notes and if i do i write too fast and end up having a bad penmanship, i always have. I often go to school late coz im too tired to wake up early. I don't fix and organize my things and i end up misplacing those and i can't find it when i need it. My room is literally a disaster. I don't fix my bed and i don't sweep the floor. Ironically, i literally go insane when i don't find immediately what i need. I spill too much profanity even if im alone and sometimes my anger get passed to other people like im easily annoyed by them. I get depressed about this because what if someday i will bring this attitude and i may not be productive soon as i get my job

5. Disappointed and Frustrated Easily

This usually happens in school, whenever i got low scores in any exam, or i don't get the highest score especially in math because i love math but what disappoints me is that im so careless about the signs, solutions etc. And if im not satisfied with my performance today, i usually end up getting stressed and i can't stop thinking about it. I can't sleep early at night just because im overthinking it. This probably because i expect too much, but i can't ignore the fact that i expect to achieve something because i work hard on it and i think positively. I'm tired of doing my best, i don't think it's my best but i work hard on it. if others can have it why can't i? Thinking positively won't work on me, it just brings more disappointments and frustrations.

6. I get sad when other people succeed

In my early school years, i used to be on top and i used to represent any contest in our school but since i moved to another school which is undeniably a competitive school, everything's changed. Im more like the average student now, i am currently on top 10. Now I think i have a crab mentality. SInce then, i never got the opportunity to join any contest since nobody asks me. It affected me greatly, i feel so inferior and dumb. Whenever my classmate win a contest, instead of being happy for them, i get sad. I hate it. I want to join and win also. Most of the contest i have been into are failures. Probably because i don't take it seriously. I think it is because im overconfident about myself and it was too late realizing this. I take for granted any chances and opportunities. Right now they are in national level contest. Honestly until now, im hoping they will never win this time. I just feel so bad with full of regrets. I think it is too late for me to experience those. im a fckng loser and a failure

7. I can't appreciate small things

Whenever somebody gives me a gift like branded t-shirts, jeans, necklace, watch, shoes, bracelets and other stuffs, i just feel like meh.. It's kinda sad to think because my cousins around me feel jealous about those and here i am not happy with it. I think my parents are wasting money because i wanted something else like new cellphone, computer or whatever gadget. those are what interests me most. They never really ask me what i want and if they do, they will never grant me those anyway and i still understand. i am such a spoiled brat

8. Gay tendency and Gay thoughts

This may be out of context but i just wanted really to share this because i think this the newest and hardest issue i deal with and having a hard time to speak out this with other people.I am a Christian, i truly believe in God Jesus Christ and i read his teachings. It is clear on bible that any homosexual act is an abomination to the Lord. What really bothered and puzzled me is that if God did not made anyone homosexual because it is against his teachings, why do i feel this way? i did not choose to be like this, i never wanted this gay thoughts either. I think this all started during my early school years but got worse and worse after my father died, i was 13 years old that time. I used to watch straight porn and get turned on by it but as i discovered gay porn, it turns me on too. In fact now im 17, i get turned on by it more than straight porn. The thing confuses me is that i don't really like men emotionally like i dont want to have a relationship with them nor marry them but just sexually. In fact, the idea of having relationship with men disgust me. On the other hand i like women emotionally but not really sexually though i still want to have sex with her and get turned on. Women are just too hot and beautiful for me. I want to marry my ideal girl and have children though i don't have a girlfriend since birth coz i don't feel like i have to have now coz i have my priorities and im really too picky and too idealistic. One factor i think that triggered this gay thoughts because of my childhood. Ever since i was a child, maybe by accident, i don't actually remember much how did it happen, most of my close friends are girls and as time passes by, i am more comfortable with them more than boys. I possess since then the feminine qualities and attitudes such as soft, girly movements and talkative which eventually i have until now which causes the depression. At first, being called gay doesn't affect me but until such time, i feel hurt everytime i hear the word. Actually, no word can ever pierce me but the word gay. I almost cried and now i really cried about this matter. Im afraid i am going to be gay soon and i don't want to be. Is sexually really linked to gender expression? i hate this feminine qualities. My gestures, movements and facial expressions are really bothering me. This causes me too anxious and conscious about myself. Whenever im in the school, my actions would naturally come out. being too talkative and have this unmasculine accent. Gays are stereotypically labeled as comedian or joker which i am also. I somehow decided to be quiet and not talk too much but at some point, it naturally shows off i can't control it especially when i feel happy that time. Why me God? Why did i have to feel like this? It's not that i hate gay people but i hate the fact that im starting to becoming gay though i want to have a family. What did i do wrong to punish me with these gay thoughts?

At some point of my life, i started to blame my parents why these things happening to me from being skinny to gay tendency. I just hate the way they have raised me. Why am i too skinny? probably because they didn't disciplined me better to eat healthy foods. Why am i having hair loss? I remembered my mother told me that there is something wrong with our blood that runs the whole family, no wonder why she suffered from mild lupus and she starts balding and one of our ancestors also suffered from leukemia. Im not sure if blood has something to do with hair loss but i suspected it. Why am i lazy? probably because since childhood, since my parents both have jobs, they hired a caregiver and housekeeper and guess what? until now i have no household chores to do because we still have a housekeeper. Now, they usually get mad at me for being too lazy, "guess what? do u know why mom? u failed to raised me well". Why do i feel so insensitive? because at the first place you werent there for me. Your way of raising me isn't reasonable to make me care so much about things. I am being selfish now. Why do i have these gay thoughts? probably because you never raised me like a boy.

I hope i can share more but i think it would really take forever to discuss these many issues with my life. Some people might argue that these issues are not a big deal and must not be taken seriously. I do think too. What really the problem is that why these small things greatly affect me? i hate thinking this way. All i need is a therapy. I need the reset button so bad.Because of these life for me is such a pointless struggle, can't seem to find my purpose and can't seem to feel happiness I hope you can help me