I'm scared of myself ,can't tell am I depresse or not

Hi,so basically I always feel tired, but not to the point that I can't do anything or I have to sleep all day .I also constantly feel like I am trash, I compare myself to anyone and in everyone I find at lest 3 things why is she/he better than me. I hate where my Life is gong,it's like it is slithering away from me,I see it in third person and I can't do anything . My mood switches a lot during the day , I can be' really happy with my family and in 1 sec I become reality really angry and sad. Every night I have troubles falling asleep becouse I think a lot and I phisically feel a heavy "stone" on my chest and back , like I can't properly breath (I need to bite myself to release the tesion) and I cry .

I do both drinking and light drugs ,but I am in control, ...I used to selfharm ..i still sometimes ,becouse there are moments when I can't feel anythig or I feel to much hate towards myself that I can't properly think ,so pain bring me to reality. But the thinig that made me enter this community is that i think of suicide a lot,several times a day, for almost 1 year now ;you might be' thinking that if it's already a year it's not important becouse I never did it...but actually one time I tired to jump out of a balcony during a party, but a friend of mine found me and stopped,another time i passed out due to alchool poisoning, and I did it on purpouse . I'm tired thinking of death.

I'm sorry if I annoyed you ,and made a lot of grammar errors (I'm not native english)