Insecurity and friendships
Hey! First time posting here. I have been struggling with sever depression and insecurity issues for a long time. Lately things have been worse so I start counseling. I have a best friend, someone I work with, who has been amazing to me during everything. However, I find myself feeling very insecure when she doesnt share everything with me or talks with other friends of hers (which are mutual friends with her, she is just closer to them than I am). Any ideas on how to handle this? Ive told her I struggle with this and shes reassured me that she is always there for me and loves me and has a closer or different friendship with me than with the others. However, I still struggle with that insecure, bring me down, voice in my head and find myself getting emotional and jealous. I hate feeling this way. Plus, its totally not fair to her! Ive been trying to let other people in and develop more friendships with them, but its a slow work in progress. Thanks for any ideas!
@Desiringchange1475 Insecurity is something that can't be fixed by the other person. Like, no matter HOW dedicated to you she is, you will still be insecure about the relationship, right?
One, recognize she has the right to having other friends and relationships, and that's as it should be. Ideally, you would be working on nurturing other friendships, too, so you wouldn't put all of the pressure of having your social needs met on this one relationship.
Two, ask yourself how much you can give to the friendship, rather than just how much you can get from it. Give unconditional support and love, and it's easier for the other person to return it. What are the little, everyday ways you show your friend how much you appreciate her? It can be sending an occasional funny greeting card, or if you see something online that makes you laugh, sharing that with her. Give her a compliment when you see each other, too. That always helps. :) (If you would like some classic advice, read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People".)
Three, build self-esteem and self-compassion. These are both long-term processes. For self-esteem, if you have depression, set very small goals and congratulate yourself for meeting them. (Take a shower; get out of bed by 8; spend 15 minutes on a non-electronic hobby.) Working toward larger, values-based goals can also build self-esteem, when you are feeling stronger. (Volunteer for a group that means something to you; Attend yoga classes for 8 weeks to build your mindfulness practice; set a vocational or educational goal.) For information on self-compassion, you can't do better than selfcompassion.net. It's a wonderful resource and will change the way you talk to yourself forever, if you commit to just trying it.
@ThisIs543 What a lovely supportive reply with eonderful practical steps, tools and resoutces. SO encouraging!🙄😁💞
@Desiringchange1475
Insecurity is indeed hard. But the issue is that people with low self esteem just sink in that feeling instead of working on getting better (in the past I did it aswell).
You have to work on yourself. Realise we're all humans, we all and I mean ALL have flaws. You, me, even beyonce haha. No one is perfect!
The more you work on yourself the better you'll feel and therefore your relationship with your friend will be.
Because honestly at one point you might suffocate her. She might feel alot of pressure to just talk to you and might make her really sad and feeling lonely, which is not fair at all. She's a human, also with feelings and isn't perfect, and she has every right to keep only positive people around. So I believe for your relationship to grow just work on yourself and even ask her to see how you change!
Hi! I also new here. I recently had my mum get rid of my art account meaning I couldn't talk to any of the friends I had made, it's really hard to hear my parents talk dirt about people that I miss so much. My parents also started to take notice of my low moods so they contacted my school. I now have councillling, I've only told one of my friends because I don't want people to judge me and the things I've heard them say about depression doesn't help either. Recently I've started to get very paranoid that all my friends hate me... I'm way too shy to straight ask them but I feel as though they'd all be better without me?
@tealTalker9533 Hi Teal! I'm sorry you lost your art community, that's rough. It's really common with depression to feel paranoid. I always thought my coworkers were talking about me, when I was at my worst. I don't think it would be good to ask your friends if they hate you. If they don't, it will make them uncomfortable. If they do, they won't say. (Chances are they don't, and it's just depression brain.)
I know there is still a stigma, and I was really hesitant to tell anyone about my struggles. But the thing to remember is that the less we hide, the more light is cast on depression and the less stigma there will be. Look up "celebrities and mental illness" and you'll find quite a few who are trying to change the way society views mental illness.
I'm glad you have one friend you are comfortable talking to about it. Something to consider: you can talk about depression without calling it depression. This is a baby step toward expressing yourself, and not keeping it all inside. You might say something like, "I'm having a hard time lately." Or, "I just feel so tired all the time. It's hard to get excited about anything." The more specific you can be, the more you are able to connect in a real way, and get beyond people's preconceptions about depression.
@ThisIs543 I tend to call it 'low moods' the reason I talk about it with my friend is because she suffers from anxiety so I feel that we can rant to each other
It all happened as soon as we went to college. I went away. My other friend (lets call her N) did too (different place). And my other friend (lets call her G) stayed back. It wasnt a big deal at first. We would Skype and I felt like we werend less. Meanwhile I was miles away. With a roommate who abandoned me, in a room all alone. I felt horrible and so alone. I called but they were always busy. During breaks we would all come back together but it wasnt the same anymore. I decided to quit college. Anxiety, depression and school werent really going that well for me. I went back home. Hoping to at least make things better between me and G. Meanwhile N got a boyfriend. And forget about any calls or texts now. Im lucky if I even see her anymore. Whenever she comes she wont even tell me anymore. And I feel like she just doesnt wanna deal with me anymore. One time my parents just so happened to see her at a store with the big and I was devastated that I had to find out from my parents that she was even here. Its weird going from friends who used to tell you everything to now getting nothing at all. My other friend, G, is .... hard to talk to. Whenever I turn to her for help she ignores me or changes the topic. I dont want to confide in her. It feels shes giving me cold shoulder and ignoring me and all my pleas for help. Which hurts me so much cause Ive helped them so much but they cant help me in my time of need. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so alone
@oreoluver It is so, so hard when that happens. You think these people are going to be your friends forever, but your lives do change so much when you go to college, or when you experience any life transition. (As a long-term single woman, I've lost many friends to boyfriends and - more understandably - to children). It's heartbreaking, truly, and it's even worse when you are dealing with anxiety and depression; you need support more than ever.
You aren't alone, though. I'm glad you're here. We lift each other up because we get it. We know how hard it is. And we're here for you.
I'm in my 40s now, and I can say that the people who meant the world to me in high school and college are not really my closest friends now. I've kept in touch with two (one from a very long distance, just Facebook friends really), but the people I'm closest to now are the people I never really thought I'd connect with. We were acquaintances through another friend (who I met in college), and we gradually started doing other things together, like going to movies and talking about musicals on Hangouts.
If I had advice (and I don't know if you're asking), it's to stay open to possibilities. Try to say yes as much as possible, and to be the one who invites someone to do something fun (even when you don't feel like it; trust me I know how hard depression makes this, but I've never regretted it when I forced myself to do it). Also, adult friendships are different from school friendships. It's not as much sharing ever spare moment. It's more like you set times to do things once in a while (once or twice a month is ambitious as you get older) and rely on texts or social media to keep in touch.
I know it's probably different for your generation, but I think it will hold true that friendships shift and change, and sometimes (more than we'd like) we grow apart. And to accept that that's all okay, and it has nothing to do with our worth or value.
Well I really just have to rely on myself. Most people are really busy with their own lives and really don't have the time or inclination to be there when things are difficult...unless they've known you a really long time and oftentimes not even then.
I love stories about people who have one another's back through thick and thin and believe in and trust each other .....I jist haven't been the recipient.
