I want to Hurt Myself
I haven't acted on it. Not really. Sometimes my mood just drops down so far I want to do something. Not to kill my self. But just to hurt? I think a lot about just grabbing an exacto knive and cutting into my skin.
I've tried drawing on myself to distract from the urge. That works sometimes. I'm looking for a therapist but I get so discouraged.
I have a hard time getting to sleep these days and at night I find myself getting really anxious and depressed. I want to draw or write or accomplish something or even relax but nothing holds my attention. I can't even concentrate to distract myself. I just have this deep feeling that I'm a mess and worthless and useless. I feel like if I did hurt myself I'd deserve it. Maybe I ought to just so that I get what I deserve. You know?
I don't feel good enough. For anyone or anything.
Ive hit myself before, dug nails into my skin, but I've never cut myself. I just wish I could stop thinking about it. But I have such a hard time believing that I don't deserve it. It's getting harder to resist.
@m0no
The "deserve" argument is just not ok. No one deserves pain, that includes you. There's not "But.." or "what if.." here. Period.
When someone is starting to think of self harm, I always say this: accept your emotions and deal with them.
What I mean by this is that you have ALOT on you. Anxiety, depressive thoughts, and I'm guessing alot of stuff from either family, friends, maybe school/work, etc. All piled up makes you just "snap" and you can't handle it.
So you need to find a positive way to deal with all of this. Because self harm literally fixes nothing. All it does is leaving scares on your skin, literally all it does. Sure in a very temporary way might relieve you but in the long run will drive you into a very dark place, which you might not be able to come back from.
You need to find something to cope. Maybe an agressive sport, so you can just let go of that anxiety and bad feelings, maybe something artistic, maybe venting to someone,etc. We're all different so you need to take time to find what works for you.
Don't ever think of self harm as something that helps. Is the worst thing you can do once you start. Is painful and addicting.
@Booklover95
I guess I already know all this. I mean. I understand that it's addictive and it won't help anything to hurt myself. But I just feel so angry and dissappointed in myself when I get anxious or depressed. I feel like I get better sometimes but then I slide right back down into the same old panic attacks and depression slumps. I hate how I can't break out of it. I feel like I'm not doing something right or well enough. Like if I was better I could get past it.
Even if I know it's not my fault. I'm not terrible or worthless. I know that. I mean. Logically. Be my feelings like to come and make me doubt everything. I know I need help and an outlet. I try to cope with art when I can. I sort of end up letting my perfectionism take over sometimes and that just makes any coping meathod seem like something I'm not good enough at. It's frustrating.
I do want to find a more physical outlet, but I don't know if I can afford it. Not only that, I am out of shape and asthmatic. Last time I tried to be more physically active, my breathing got so bad and I got so frustrated I had a panic attack and an asthma attack.
I think that's how I got to this point.
I feel kind of helpless when I end up critizising everyting I want to enjoy and feel incapable of anything physically taxing.
I just wish I knew how to shut off the voice of anxiety and self-loating in my head. I feel like I have to prove my worth to it or it'll never stop telling me how terrible I am.
Thank you for answering me. I needed someone in the silence. Someone who I don't feel like I'm burdoning.
@m0no I think that looking for professional help is a good first step. I've struggled with self harm in the past and I think that this link might have some healthy coping mechanisms you can try:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.Wv8TREgvyM8
Also, have you considered self help books? Although you don't have a formal diagnosis, you recognize that you struggle with thoughts and feelings of low self-worth and depression. I personally use self help books for my diagnosis (bpd and ptsd), so I don't really know any that are specific to depression. They don't replace professional help, but can help you understand your symptoms and maybe help you develop a sense of self compassion for what you're gonig through.
I understand the concentration thing (it really impacts me), so when my mind starts to wander I be gentle with myself and bring my attention back to the task at hand.
Ultimately, I do say, if you're having thoughts of self harm and/or suicide, you need professional help. And if they cross the line into the suicidal realm, you need to go to the ER or call 9-1-1 and go to the hospital. You're struggling very hard to take care of yourself, and that's something to be proud of. You know you want to have a better life where you find relief from your symptoms. That in and of itself says a lot about you as a person. You care about yourself enough to reach out, and that's a good thing. I hope you can find it in yourself to validate your emotions.
@Indistinctaurora
I know it too me a long time to reply but I wanted you to know that your reply made a big difference to me. It gave me a place to start.
I found some books at the library, one in particular is really helping me to put things in perspective. It's call Unworthy: How To Stop Hating Yourself.
I also managed to get in contact with an LGBTQIA supportive therapist and I had my first appointment this week.
I'm grateful that the people on here helped prop me up enough to keep looking for help. So. Thank you.
I feel like it's all going a little better right now.
