Negatives are looking positive in a bad way

Over the years really bad things like eating disorders I've been wanting to 'do' (so basically u just wanted to starve myself). Not cause I thought it was 'trendy' (I know it's not at all), not cause I wanted to be skinny, but it cause I wanted to hurt myself I think. Other things like abusive relationships and stuff have all been similar.

I've never been diagnosed with depression but I've researched for years and I'm pretty sure I have it or something similar. Is this a normal things with depression?

Also just repeating 'kill yourself' over and over without the intention to do anything, or any urged or whatever, just like a general 'i don't care' attitude.