The fear of what the future might hold for me is almost unbearable.
I'll try to make sense of what I'm writing, but it'll be hard since my cognitive abilities and concentration are being destroyed by my mental health. I'm 32 years old and depression has been a part of my life as far as I can remember. I've had professional help in the past, but I stopped going to therapy and stopped taking anti-depressives, because my ego thought I could wrestle the depression away on my own. I only now realize that depression is a health issue and you can't cure it just by wishing it goes away, no more than you can cure other physical illnesses just by wishing they go away.
I'm currently unemployed and I can't hold down a job, because I always hate what I'm doing and the mere thought of going back to work makes me want to crawl under a rock and hope armageddon comes so I don't have to face the harsh reality of everyday life.
A lot of people, including my friends and family, have jobs that they don't particularly like, but they still manage to get up everyday and just go to work, so why can't I? I know that my depression is impeding me of doing the same thing, but I still need money like everyone else, so what the hell am I suppose to do?
I know what I want to do, find a job that will help me save money so I can back to college and for once finish something in my life (even though I have no idea what I want to study). But I just don't have the inner strength to do that and sometimes I just want to yell and cry WHY!!!!!!!!
I'm starting to feel really scared of what the future holds for me and darke thoughts are starting to overpower me. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to end it all, but, even though it's paradoxical, I also love life, I think it's a gift and I know I can be better than this. But that guy that wants to live and fight for a better life is fading away.
My friends and family are still supportive, but they want me to do something about my life and don't understand that I feel powerless to do that.
I'd like to thank everyone that took the time to read this and sorry if I'm being a bit incoherent, it's really hard to put our emotions into words.
@Bertinho
I understand how you feel. We are almost on the same boat. The only difference is that, I try to keep my job. Somehow, it's still one of the many things that keeps my mind intact, at least for now.
Living alone and wrestling with depression all by yourself is never easy. But it's not impossible to overcome it. We just have to give ourselves a little more chance to fight back for those people and things that matter to us most. We just have to weather it out some more. It will end, one way or the other.
