...why do i keep missing my old friends?
like, jesus fuck. one guy called me a manipulator as of late and the other never had much interest in my things. i've ended the friendships (albeit abruptly) a while back (the first one on mid-2020s and the second one in late august), yet, no matter me trying to seek out new friendships/communities, their memories still haunt me to this day. especially when i'm without any form of extensive support; or have nowhere to go talk to. (i tried in the group support 24/7 chat thing but they weren't really focused on my topic as much.)
sure, my friendship with them lasted for a long time (the first one = 5.5 years, the second one = 2.5 years), but still. it sucks man. i just wish i'll get friends somewhat similar to those two later on in life as - despite the negatives - i still feel like those two were the best things to ever happen in my life.
"if those two were the best thing to happen in your life - why did you get rid of them?"
...primarily because of my own mental reasons.
for some reason, whenever i stay with the former - i always have the feelings of wanting to leave them 2-3 months into our rekindling; and the feeling of "wanting to return back" always flares up after a few weeks of leaving them behind. i was starting to get a little sick of this; and when they decided to call me a manipulator - i made a hard decision on myself that the time has come to permanently leave them behind; especially because we kept fighting a lot, mostly because of misunderstandings. eh, probably not their fault though. i just really hate it when people don't get what i'm trying to say.
and for the other person, well... i didn't feel like it would be right keeping them when they don't really show/have much interest in my stuff, nevermind they're an alright listener (though i wonder if she felt forced or something); but we don't really have many interesting conversations, if ever. also, they apologized a lot - which kind of made their apologies seem worthless; and their supposedly wholesome behavior - come across as ungenuine.
well, they're probably happy with me gone now. if not, well, i hope they are at least. they don't have to deal with this monstrosity anymore.
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anyway, my rambling asides, can anyone say why i keep missing them?
