Don’t know what I should do in this situation.

Sorry this is so long!!

(Trigger warnings: briefly mentions death, COVID, self-harm, cancer, & overdose)

Hello, I’m 17F, &  homeschooled due to struggles in public school & a fear of COVID - I started in 9th grade. My mom switched schools for me before, but my grades plummeted again so we decided to homeschool. It worked out really well at first, but then I started getting severely depressed. I think childhood trauma, & a possible hormonal imbalance may influence my current mental health. (my “parents” on here are my aunt & uncle, I refer to them as parents so it’s easier to understand & thats who they are to me now. I lost my bio ones due to cancer & an overdose at around 5&6.) 

 Looking back, I probably did get depression as a younger child, too. From what I remember, I would generally get angry & sad way more easily than a normal child - I would also self harm at around 11 years old, over dumb things. I had trouble focusing, etc.. 

Nowadays with being depressed, I have activities to do but never get myself to do them, it’s still difficult focusing, I’ll feel useless & lazy, I’ll sleep all day because its a distraction from life, even when I’m going to bed at a normal time. Everytime I get some motivation & start to feel better, things just go down again. 

Ive asked my mom for therapy a few times, but she has too much anxiety about it because she thinks people will be suspicious due to me being homeschooled, & her being a legal guardian. Also she’s had a bad experience with my sister in the past, because she got the wrong meds from being misdiagnosed.

Recently I went to the doctor due to having POTS symptoms, and they just told me I needed to eat & drink more, & they gave me a heart monitor. I feel like when I come back they’re just going to tell me that if I don’t take care of myself then they can’t take care of me. And I’m worried about that, because I feel like I need to force myself to take care of myself - and I won’t be able to explain to them that I get severe depression, because again, my mom is too scared to get me help.

My mom says I can always talk to her but she always says the same things & doesnt understand that what I’m going through is more than likely mental illness; it’s past just the “normal teenage depression” at this point. I also have symptoms of OCD, bipolar, ADHD, & CPTSD. I love my mom & I am so grateful for her, shes done alot for me but she needs to understand that you can’t just let mental illness just sit there - especially when it’s noticeably getting worse.

 I also feel bad because I don’t want to put any more stress on my mom. She already gets upset at me when I don’t get my schoolwork done, due to me being very unmotivated because of the depression. She vents abt how my dad is financially abusing her, groomed her, and how shes so stressed out to the point where shes crying - and I won’t even be saying anything. Shes not abusive, but she needs help too. My dad relies on me emotionally due to them going through a divorce & it makes me uncomfortable. He also understands nothing about mental health and hates the idea of psychiatrists so I probably shouldn’t ask him.

 My sister said she can help before, but she has alot of physical health problems & I don’t want to put anything on her - and it’s really not easy for her to schedule anything at the moment.

I really need to get therapy soon, even if it’s online, but I feel like I have no options. And I don’t want my mom to get in trouble with the government just because she needs help too. This is also why I downloaded 7cups because I heard it has helped people and it’s the closest thing I can get to therapy. If there’s anything that I can do for free that helps on here that would be appreciated. I want to have a future, I want to know what’s going on with me. I have 2 vanilla cards of $100 & im willing to pay using that, if there’s any cheap therapy options (Idk how I would use insurance if my parents dont know). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry this is so long, but if you read this, thank you so much.