the ups and down of mania
today i had a really bad fight with my boyfriend.. like.. bad. we’re both manic so i mean it happens more than we would like but THIS time was like.. wow. it just really did a number on us well me more so i guess than him. we don’t even know what triggered our reactions or the fight itself it honestly just sadly kinda happened and like when it got really ugly it just kinda felt like that was it. that was the end of us. my boyfriend reassured me that NO! it was not the end of us and in fact this would be an amazing learning experience it’s just i don’t know how to tell okay after this. i don’t know how to feel like he doesn’t hate me or doesn’t want me just out of his life forever. sadly i’m just used to thinking the world hates me or that anyone whoever exists hates me and it suckkkkkks! i just want to know we’re gonna be okay and that our manic clash doesn’t decide our fate forever or that i didn’t just ruin everything that could’ve been. how do you just take “space” apart for a day or two and just mot worry that they’re gone forever which sadly is just my abandonment issues at hand controlling my delusional mind and making me paranoid. tbh if i hate to rage today as a whole i would say about -2/10.. but there’s always hops for tomorrow. if anything i suppose i’m just grateful to still be alive and breathing even tho it’s hard.. i’m still here. and yes this was a rant oopsies.
@PixieT1Star
Hi! How are you doing now? Yes it can help to have a rant/vent sometimes, and this is a great place to do that. Good on you for recognising your abandonment issues are a major issue here. There might be a part of you that feels unloveable, or has experienced abandonment before and so when your boyfriend is apart for a while that part assumes the worst, and that you have been abandoned/rejected. It is a pretty full on feeling/experience. I find it helps to acknowledge that part of my self, and figure out its age...it is probably pretty young, maybe even 1 or 2 years old. And then treat it like it needs to be treated - with love, acceptance, empathy, and let it know you will protect it.