Help

I regret having the balls to talk to someone while clearly he wasn't interested and I wish never got the courage to try but then I will regret never trying. honestly life would be much easier if I never gave a fuck about anything. no friends leaving or turning their back on me, no rejections, no feeling of sadness when I'm alone with my thoughts or getting terrified when I decide to stay alone rather than finding someone because i'm scared of the idea that I might die alone regretting having no one to remember me or be there for me. I remember 2 years in class a teacher asked if we think we are sociable or not and everyone said what he thinks he is. I lied and said I wasn't sociable and everyone didn't believe that I'm not cuz they all were convinced that I was but while I'm growing older I'm starting to get away from people I had this idea that all I needed was someone that could get me and that all it matters was hims but this idea started to fading away when I just couldn't find anyone that just talking to him with would be the best thing I could have when the girl I liked I couldn't let her know how I feel because my friend liked her too and now she fell in love with him and they are together and everytime he reminds how happy he is because of her do I regret that I stoped talking to her because of him I do. I don't know why I fucking hate being alone but at the same time love it I regret letting my friends down cuz it seems that they moved on without me but it was my ch