I don’t even know anymore
I’ve completely lost myself over the course of this month. I tried using weed to mask the pain but it seems to be making me more angrier and upset the very next day. I kept thinking that that’s my coping mechanism but it’s just not for me anymore. Today was the first time I genuinely cried in a while. I knew I was depressed that’s why I kept taking those edibles so it can hide the pain of it but now the weeds not working. I just cried my heart out. The day before school starts again. My mom came in my room after I vented to her but she only says the same thing “welcome to the club” “it’s not only you” “it’s just life” “you have to deal with it” “I don’t know what to tell you”. She’s been saying that to me for fucking years, not knowing that when she says that it absolutely breaks my heart. I can only take so much. Everyday it’s this endless battle of feeling nonexistent. Like no one gives a single fuck about me. I can’t enjoy anything. I have no one to really talk too because everyone makes everything about themselves. I expect no one to give a fuck about my emotions or me as a person but fuck, sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me it’s gonna be okay. Why keep telling me life is going to get worse after when I know already? Please I have things to do in the morning and Everytime the clock ticks and it’s getting closer and closer I cry even harder because I CANT DO THIS. I’m so fucking tired emotionally. I need a fucking break from everything. I can’t even think straight tonight, I feel like I’ve already missed too many days of school, and that I need to go but school is literally my breaking point right now it’s not even funny. I just can’t do it. I need to breathe. No one around me gets this pain. Just tells me to deal with it and go fuck your self basically. But heh…it is what it is right. ? :|
So it’s been 7 hours, and I’ve went to sleep. I’m supposed to leave for school at 7:15 but I normally leave at 8:05 but todays different bc of the snow. I slept in my moms bed last night after she insisted, and she asked if I were okay and I said yes. I then told her I wasn’t going to school in the morning. She said why. I said because I’m too tired. She didn’t really say much about it, she just let me say it. I just woke up 10 minutes ago and I already hear my dad saying “”let me wake this girl up” and he’s very aggressive waking me up, this isn’t like anything peaceful I always have a fucked up day cause of this unnecessary aggression in the morning. So I say “I’m up I’m up” then I said “I might not go to school today” and he starts laughing. Him and my mom. He said to my mom. “Didnt we say she was going to do this” I’m like what? And hes like “we knew you were going to do that, we’re always one step ahead of you” said it like I got caught of some shit. Mf I just wanna stay tf home? still fucking laughing and shit. My moms like “yep mhm we knew” and it’s the tone. They say it like I got caught and that I’m a weak person or something. They never give me a break when it comes to my mental health. “What’re you gonna do when real life happens you can’t miss work then” im obviously fucking aware. Im in highschool, let me fucking heal and stay in the present”. Then my brother likes to make me feel worse like I have it all. “Damn I couldn’t do that when I was in highschool they let you do anything they give you everything you ask for”
okay Nigga tf I didn’t ask 🤨 sick of people making me feel bad for catering to my mental health. For fuck sake just let me live and get one day of peace. If I stay home today I already know it’s gonna be my friends texting me. I normally let them know I’m not going but today I’m just turning my phone off. It’s 6:47, I’m supposed to be ready in 30 minutes but honestly I come first and I don’t give a fuck, I’m staying home. I will have several breakdowns in class, and just an attitude toward everyone, I need to be left alone.
since I stayed home I just woke up from a 3 hour nap, and I went to go heat up my food. My moms annoying tf outta me about where the cat is, I see her making all this noise trying to break into my brothers room, so I said “bro she’s in my room” and she’s like ohhhh, so then I walk into my room with my plate and one thing I HATE that she does is get in my personal space when I have food. Bro fucking move, make your own shit. So she’s like “what’s that” and I put my head down and said omg and she’s like “what is your problem?” With this fucked up tone and I’m like bro I’m just hungry and she’s like “okay let me leave you alone” with of course an attitude. And now she’s burning fucking sage like I’m a demon or some shit 😐 I fucking hate her man