I feel like staring cuting myself again is what i deserve...

@Materysakcz can you think of someone very dear to you - in my case it is often my cats. Try feel that warmth they generate when you think of them. Relax your hands, you are worthy.

If you'd accept I'd send you a gentle hug of support

@Materysakcz

i know how you feel. Find someone who understands. Tell them how you feel. If you feel like you have to cut, try holding an ice cube, it helps.