I'm tired

I'm in my second year of college now, I'm nineteen. I thought that by now like people tell me things would have changed, so why doesn't it?

When I was in high school I could go a week and a half to two weeks without these intrusive thoughts. They weren't as bad as they are now too. Sure I wanted to stop it all the time but, it was much easier to put on a smile and walk through the halls and stop myself from doing what my mind told me to.

I can't seem to do that anymore since my last almost success in the summer of 2019. I've had more attempts since then but none came as close to ending it as then. I can't help but think that maybe I should have swallowed more pills and shouldn't have asked my sister for help because I couldn't breathe.

I mean am I that pathetic, useless, and a failure? Can people start noticing too at this point? My family noticed they laughed at the attempt and never spoke about it again. Just how much of a failure am I that I couldn't have succeeded? I want to stop yet I want to live too. I just want to cry as well but crying is ridiculous, right?

I just want to stop all these voices in my head. But the worst part is sometimes they're not even mine, it's just my family. My aunts tell me if I want more food to not be shy because she sees me and sees this pig. My cousins and aunts telling me that I'm a failure for going to a state university. My mother's for not being her body expectations. My sisters for not doing my own thing and being a wimp.

Why did they ignore my cries for help? I have clearly expressed that I don't want to be alive yet they ignore it. I texted them yesterday I want to go home, I'm tired college can be too much. They called me and like a fool I thought they cared for me and were going to care. All they wanted was the Netflix password.

I can't stop it by myself I'm not that strong. Yesterday I bought all these pills no one asked me why do you need that many. I'm not sure why I bought them I know myself and I know that any of these days I could drink them to rest. So why can't my mom call me and ask me how I am? Why does she call me at 5 am to ask where I am?

Can't she see tha I haven't been okay my whole life? I mean I was slicing myself since I was in 6th grade. She saw me get beat up by other girls my whole life and wish for this to end.

Why can't my sisters care? Why do they never ask me how I feel? Why do they only call me for help they need with passwords or to buy them stuff?

I just want someone to listen at least once not tell me the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Is it too much to ask?

Who am I kidding it is.

Well whatever I'm not the first person to feel sad or suicidal most of their life, and I won't be the last either. I used to think I mattered to someone and now I just feel more assured each day that nope, I'm just an average loser that doesn't fit in here. I was a glitch that is long due elimination.