I need to vent rq

I don't deserve my parents. they have done nothing wrong and have helped me and are fighting to keep helping me. Yet I push them away and I have for years. I keep skipping classes and not doing homework and its been happening for years. I'm sick and tired of myself and I don't know what is even wrong. I know it's not just the fact I don't wanna do it, it has to be something else but what??? it's running my mom and dad, they are fed up and I am too. I've been isolated and the worst part is I can't see my boyfriend. He's been waiting for me while I say I can hopefully hang out with him yet I can. I hate myself. He doesn't deserve that nor do my parents. I just keep doing everything over and over again and f-king everything up while i have people waiting and being affected by it all. I keep lying to my parents too..idk why. It got to its worst today. I relapsed and I can't stop crying. My mom met me at the outside bathroom I skip in, well used to and got me out of school early. Now i'm in my room crying and wishing I never f-ked up all those years ago, that I just changed..i'm so numb and tired..I wanna hold my boyfriend and I want to change for my parents for once. that's the only way I can repay them for everything is to graduate and become a successful adult. yet I can't even do that in my life right now.. I don't wanna go out this way. I don't wanna be like this.  My parents are already struggling with life as is, especially my mom. It's everyone's first time living but i'm making it *** for my mom and dad and they don't deserve it. It's not their fault its all mine and I hate myself to the point i'm sick. All I can do is keep going even tho i'm so tired of everything. I don't wanna be. I know i'm smart enough to just do the things I need to do, but the moment I start to slip I am reminded about how much i've *** up in life. I miss my friends, my boyfriend and my old relationship with my parents. I feel sorry and I want to change but they don't believe me because i've lied, i haven't changed, I have repeated this cycle. I really am sorry for everything I do but i'm tired, then again it's not an excuse. It's an emotion. I can't give up but I want to.