It's just a JOKE (TW)

TW: I am not really filtering this, to be honest; SH (Self-harm topics)

If only people knew, right? if they knew their words would ring in my head. If only they knew how I had convinced myself to paste on my smile that morning. so I could be the "hype friend" "caring friend" or "happy friend." I play that role but I hear so much chatter bout me. Why. cause I'm an easy target I guess. I laugh it off, cause their "just joking." Nowadays as long as you laugh after insulting somebody, it's a "joke." I don't want them to see me bothered so I laugh too...I also cry. alone because I can't show weakness but when I'm alone, I do cry...only sometimes. sometimes I feel like a shell of myself, empty numbness. In reality, they aren't even why I feel depressed. The depression itself just comes and goes on its own. Sometimes I feel it getting ready to come over me....take me over. pull me down. we don't talk about mental health where I live so I'll just suffer in silence. I try to help myself, think why is this happening, what is the trigger... there is no trigger sometimes. How do we get rid of depression? I couldn't find an answer instead I found cheap thrills, the cutting, burning, getting high, and only finding a thrill if I was causing mischief. that "mischief" ruins my family relationships only making me feel more alone. That leads to self-hatred, the fantasizing about not being here anymore...So when they joke about me I wish they knew just a piece of what goes on in my mind.