Just the over all sorry of my traumatic life😃 TW: BULLYING, PTSD

Idk im feeling really down now and i just feel like finally sharing this. I guess its just to process my thoughts and just to find People i can relate To. Just my overal story lmao Ok so when i was a kid i was really quiet i was always the "Kind" one and the one who tried To please everyone "People please". I remember my first year in school ever was nice and i enjoyed it but after i went to first grade i had to separately from all my friends, so i was alone in a class where everyone Else knew each other and i was very bad at speaking To People since i was so shy. So i didnt make any friends in the first half year. I didnt really think much about it i guess ai just didnt join our classmates. I mean thinking back To it now they propably thoughts i was weird for not joinknh them and being so quiet. But i remember a New girl came to our class and she was nice To me but obvisolu after a while She changed and used me. She always made me late for classes and told me To do everything for her and then i got in troible. But as i still wanted her To like me i always did the things She wanted To and wanted To be Kind to her. So yeah i hate it, im so mad at myself. But fastforward a year, i went to a New school. Troible making friends again but i got a really good friend for the first year, but her friend always bullied me since She wanted To be with her. I remember always when we played something She said something like "now you die and we go there" and since i wanted them to like me i said ok and wiated there when they went do something Else. And again now 3 grade. Our school had two grade in one so: 1-2 together and 3-4 together. And i was one year older than her so i had to go To another class again. Sso i made some New friends but again this toxic person wanted To be my friend. Ofcourse because i did everything She wanted To and said yes to everything tf. So yeah She used my for that year. And obviosly my self esteem was very low. But i yet again had to mive house and transfee schools. This time it was a bigger school. And People there were so "social" ad i would e said then so i was shy and Kind and quiet. I Met this nic e looking girl who was New to the grade too so i made friiedns with her. She was really Kind.. At first. Well yeah as you can propably guess she was toxic af. She started being rude to me and using me and everything. After a while since She was pretty popular with other Girls She started spread ing rumors about my and bullying me every sexond. And i remember being so scared To go To school since i didnt stand up for myself and was so scared To do it. SO now the while cladss found me ewird and she bullied my with them so they started thi king low of me too:). Thank you for this. Yeah that was 3 years. The worst part of my life. She made me hate everything about myself. She said i was ugly, fat, weird, that nobody could like me and thats what i believved. Yet She still said that She was my vestfreidn and i had hope on her so i stuck witv her hoping that Shell start liking me. Obviosly toxic People dont just change but how could e i known So finally end of middle school i was so happy To leave that place. So high school i moved again and got To a New school with nice support ive friends. But i have terrible ptsd, and social anxiety from those. So i still gated myself and wanted To die. School was hell socialicins was hell. I just wanted To disappear. The summer after that i started really thinking and started trying To be helathy and be Kind to myself I like myself Kind of now but i still have bad self esteem, really bad ptsd, and im so anxious in social situatuons Im so afraid that People. Wiln start bullying me and judging me that its ruining my life. Every thing i see, smell or sound that REMIND ME of that time makes me so scared That its gonna happen again. It feels like im reliving it. Im scared of using similar clothes be having similar or ha ing smae amotuons since peopek Will start hating me if im the same. Yehaive changed a lot now but im still so scared i dont know what To do. Obviosly i know People dont even know about thi and thats not True what i think but My vrain tells me otherwise i dont know what To do. Its ruining my life. My "friend" the 3 year vully message me the other day and i guyss shes okay now but after that i got terrible falshbacks and its vacation now and i really wanna enjoy it but for 2 days now ive been stressing about school and meeting my friends and that ill act "wrong and they worn like me" idk i hate this so much. Im so mad. Im nor sure if i should even message her back and tell her that shes a horrible person im just so confused an dhate life rn. Im sorry for all the writing mistakes i just HAD to finally say it its okay if you dont read it all but it made me feel better. Thank you FRO being here:). Please comment some advice or somethinf idk im sad lmao ok bye💜