[Trigger Warning — Suicide] An Open Letter

Hello everyone!! Im a teen listener here at 7cups, and recently I lost one of my most frequent members to suicide. I am keeping details about this individual general out of respect and confidentiality, but also to not trigger any of you lovely readers. Still, because of the subject of this post, if you are worried the content may upset you, I suggest you dont read on — go chat with a listener, or browse the internet — do fun stuff. Writing has always helped me cope better with my emotions. My intent here is to not rant about my personal feelings or to glamorize the death of this individual, but rather provide some insight: for myself and many others that have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past, it is easy to overlook the personal impacts of suicide on the people that know you. So heres what I wish i could say:

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Dear X,

I havent been able to clearly get out my thoughts for a while now, so I hope that my rambling here will be enough. I know you thought things would be better if you werent around but its really not. I knew you for a little over a month and Im still crying while writing this. I guess Im just not ready. I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready for that to be the last goodbye, or the last day I wake up seeing your messages in my inbox. Ill never get to see you grow or improve. Ill never get to have another conversation with you again, and saying all of this is like swallowing nails. I dont think you realize that you were never a burden to speak with, even on those nights I stayed up late to talk to you because I gained so much from our chats. I hope that you got something out of our conversations, because I certainly did. This isnt the easiest job in the world (duh), and its certainly never the happiest, but its something I do because it gives me genuine hope. Talking to other broken people makes me understand that were all broken in some way and it helps to be broken together. Its less lonely like that.

I know youve doubted the sincerity of online listener relationships like this, but I want you to know that I really loved you and always believed in you. I wouldnt have kept answering the messages if that werent the case. And I know youve been through way too much in your 17 years — more than any kid should have to endure. And I understand the pain you were in. I want you to know that Ive lost people like this before and that its hell because not a day goes by where I dont think about you, and Im constantly questioning if there was anything I could do different. I know you thought others wouldnt care, but I dont think I can forget ever.

I really hope I get to see those beautiful beaches by Cali someday, though I really wish you were there with me for that. I know that I could keep writing this for centuries if I had to but in the end its a lost cause because no matter what I say it will never be enough. Signing off for tonight, I love you so much. ❤️

Maya

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In conclusion, Im lost right now. As someone who has lived through thoughts like this and seen others through thoughts like this, I know its always painful. Thank you to those who finished reading this post. Thank you to you lovely listeners for showing compassion, and for you amazing members for being here and having the strength to take action against your inner demons. I love you all for making up this community and I wish you the best in everything life has to offer. ❤️ I want you to know that just you being here right now means so much, and you can message me if you ever need anything. Thanks again. ❤️